It's winter.

Its winter and I'm not denying it. So much around me is dying while so much else is being born. I've loved you. I've lost you. I know you. I knew you. I believed in this and that, and I've all but abandoned it now. I feel so full of new and old right now that I am nothing but a transition. I thought I was Marilyn but maybe I'm Jackie.

Nothing ever stands.

It's winter and I'm not denying it. I could try to guild myself in business and costume but I think I'm at peace with just being sad for the time being. There. I said it. I'm sad.

I'm not dying, I'm sad. I'm not worthless, I just miss you. I'm not hopeless, but I sleep a lot later that I used to, I write a lot more, I drink a lot more, I smile a little less, I drink slightly more and to a point. I laugh a little harder than i need to just to make sure It doesn't show.

Does it show?

I'll accept it, but it still hurts. I know you're not gone, I know you're not away, but I feel the need to mourn for the things that will never happen again. Matter of fact, i think I've always mourned the little things.

You're perfect, he said, but you're not perfect for me.

How fond does my heart have to grow before you stop being absent?

They both agreed.

I took a walk today. It was cold. It's cold and I'm not above it, It's winter and im not denying it. I walk and have walked this road a lot. I knows me better than I know it i think. But it most likely fashions me a traitor to the east side that I've been spending so much tread on. "oh, highland, its not you its me, I'm just so busy, I'm just not ready for commitment"

"bullshit"

it slings back.

I'll make it up to you baby. Let me walk a couple blocks, I was gone and I'm not denying it. One more to Amsterdam ave. I'm sorry and I mean it. Almost to Virginia and you're warming up to me. If I get to ponce you're mine and you can deny it. Don't lie, I know you missed me.

be honest.

do you miss me?

I've walked here often and before. Though previously I've walked to remember, and now I walk to get away. Away from everything I've known and everything I've wanted, and from all memories of you. Well, not entirely. I can't deny it, I like the memories, but they hurt.

If i keep walking I'll maybe sweat out the loss, and breathe out the ache.

It a dull ache that cant quite transform to a roar. Its the cold that tenses my shoulders enough to hunch them forward just a bit, and push my hands deep enough into my fleece. It's dull, Its so very dull.

If i keep walking I'll get warm.

If i keep walking I'll sweat it out.

If i keep walking I'll come full stop.

It's getting dark now but I don't mind because the christmas lights are up this month.

Its getting cold now, but I don't notice because my mind is buzzing and I'm almost home.

My fingers are going numb on the right where I'm clasping the phone to my ear for company.

It's winter and I can't deny it.