she is finite.

i cant help it if my knees knock together when i sleep, all this so that i need a pillow between them, it hurts. I cant do much about the fatigue and the ache right now caused by an inability to digest certain proteins, this body, what a piece of junk, what a piece of work, what a waste of reproductive space, what a bunch of bravado, and a fantastic machine.
Why are we so afraid of age and pain? perhaps because it is the speaker and heralder of death, reminding us of our mortality and transition. Disturbing i guess. Why is it that we are so ashamed of our emotional and physical needs? perhaps because it is proof of our fragility. it is frightening to not know, it is frightening to not be. And so some try to make sense of our potential non existence and our tendancy and threat to be such through some kind of god or gods via beleiving in the after life, by prolonging life. While, others just tease it with a sweet sensed disregard for caution that rivals vengance as if to say, damn you for making me this way, I will prove my fearlessness. I have never claimed to be fearless, im afraid all the time really, but i do have an unfair amount of courage than should be given to one person. For this reason, i cant help but find good things, although it may bring me through bad, i dont mind. ive always been kind of tease anyway.

another year done. almost.
heres to many more.

a cafe corretto raised to all of you, wherever you are, with whoever you are, take a deep long savory swig of something and tell yourself "im happy" or tell yourself "im sad" just tell yourself the truth, and savor the next year of your life with the same fierce that you savor this glass, whatever it is filled with.

salute.

j

look, im all for courageous fashion efforts, im all about gaga, but some themes of clothing are not okay with me and should be outlawed. Yesterday, or the day before, i cant remember but it doesnt matter it would be equally as traumatizing, i went to juicy green with deb and sam and her friends julia and anne for some after-lunch fro yo. It was a relatively small space which suffocated me with one wardrobe atrocity after another. i really though someone was playing a joke on me and i wish i had taken a picture. now the lineup, respectivley: first, athletic wear girl in an itsy bitsy demin neon green tennis skirt with pleats and nikes. Then, tacky christmas sweater lady in the corner matching her husband with a bunch of fro yo all over herself. And who could forget, miss Im gonna match rainbow plaid wool sweater with a fuzzy leopard print bag, green kahaki pants, and sneakers. at this point its official, im in hell. but lets not leave out the flip flops in winter brigade and their ever so stylish friends: the uggs and pajamas club. Unless they were dying of some winter sickness and forcefully shuttled to the fro yo shoppe, then they have no excuse. yeesh. I dont mean to be snobby, only to have standards, you cant wear pjs out, everyone else has to get dressed, nothing makes you that special. Its one thing to be differnt, its another to look like a slob, the difference is effort. There are certain things that seemingly indicate survival, but really, when cultivated surpass merely this. Like food, junk food is one thing, and for sure everyone should have access to good fair clean food, but some things that i read the ingredients on i cant comfortably put in my body, like wise, some things i cannot comfortably put on my body. Im not too good for essentials, i just realize that to treat them with respect improves the quality of life and breeds happiness. I dont mean to say that these are bad people or anything, its more for there sake, i just think that your appearance is more important that people give it credit for. Now you cant judge a person on their appearance but you can judge their self worth, pending that they have the resources, I do realize that some people in the world do not have access to good clean clothes or food, all the more reason to respect your acess to them. There is a certian respect that is involved in taking something that you must do for survival and making it worth something. Respect for yourself and respect for your good fortune. And just to be clear, respecting yourself, your body, and your appearance is NOT at all necessarily expensive, it does not require an excess of money, only consideration. Its just, anything worth doing is worth doing well, this is not selfishness or excess, it is health and it is care. I just think that without the need to strive to ensure quality and to seek beauty and revolution and novelty, then we have nothing but survival, and honestly, without beauty and intricacy id rather not survive. What is the world without a perfect creme brulee, and chanel and art museums, what is life without wonder? Its not snobbery, its excellence, excellence that dictates and feeds every desire to be better that will ever exist beyond it. It makes being human worth it i think.

That being said.

i love you all.

j

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqzUI1ihfpk

oh my gawd, so funny

holy crap i took half a nyquil dose to try to get some rest when i couldnt go back to sleep and ended up sleeping until 4 pm. waste. of. space. today haha.

anywho, lots to blog about, im on it later.

update

clicking my heels together...i wish it was summer, i wish it was summer.

so, heres an actual update on my life since most of the time im just ranting.
im going to visit emmie in dc soon with sean! should be a good time :)

okay after that im seriously going to busy what with christmas and all the awesome visitors that are going on(miss burch that means you!)

ill be in texas breifly in january but then after that ill be gone for a while.
Im getting nervous about china as well, but sometimes excited too.
basically i have about a million decisions to make about life after china.

im still not really sure if i want to go to graduate school but im going to wait to hear from everyone before i make a decision. The alternative is this portfolio school that ive actually gotten really excited about. Creativecircus.com if anyone is interested. Leigh is going too so thats kinda cool, also its just down the road so i wouldnt have to worry about transportation or somewhere to live, at least not too in depth.

basically all things financial are going down at the moment, but its hard to focus on that when im not sure when or where im going to be.

im thinking of selling my car and also ive developed and unhealthy interest in lady gaga for some reason.

ive been wanting to create lately but am so restless i cant, i havent been sleeping much and when i do its very erradic. my knee has been acting up a little so i havent run as much, but i swear ill shove myself off to run once the rain subsides. :)

im always cold, hate the rain, usually seek good conversation, and i miss all of you.

busy busy

flight(s): booked.

gotta go now.

dc to atl to dfw to chicago to shanghai to hong kong and then back to dfw for some much needed summer.

if i can get Thailand in there then im golden, but who knows.
yeesh this is gonna be busy. wonder where ill be in the fall? as of now, either virgina highlands or denton. i love to move around, but i cant wait to settle somewhere again.

j

tao

Sometimes i find myself feeling held captive by own decisions. Its strange because they are not necessarily bad decisions really, just decisive moments and places that have brought my life to where it is now. Again, not really a bad place to be, but i feel conflicted in that by choosing something i forfeit another intrinsically. It just happens i guess, you can only have one good thing at a time. I know im in no position to complain about much really, but sometimes i wonder what my life would be like, who i would be, if things were only slightly different. I call upon those moments in my life where ive had a choice. I think back to instances in which i had to forgo one thing to gain another. There is no right or wrong choice just difference between them. Im at one of those points again, and i hate it. I basically have to chose between the two halves of myself for this one. Its not going to be easy. Either way, ill try to be happy, ill make the best of it, but once again i find myself crippled by indecision. I hate that place, it makes me so anxious. All my life i think ive been crippled by indecision. The problem really is not that im afraid ill make the wrong choice, but just that i know i will miss out on something one way or another and that scares me. I have an unquenchable thirst to find most things, to find anything, so much so that even to find another boasts the agony of not finding something else. Ive always been like this. Maybe thats why, well, no, im positive that is why i love to chalk things up to fate and conveinince. flip a coin, eenie meenie, minee or moe. I have been known to finish off major decisions with rock paper scissors. I dont know that im proud of this. I wish i could just know what i want. Wait, screw that, i know what i want. The problem rather, is that i wish i wanted only a fraction. But i dont want a fraction, i want it all, i want it fucking all. I want to lick up and taste every edible schred life there is. I want to devour it. I want to read every book ever written, published and unpublished. I want to visit every continent, country, city, home. I want to know every language livng and dead in its entirety. I want to know what every man and woman kisses like. I want all the music right here right now. Devour. That is the best word to describe it. My humanity and inability to do all of these things all of the time make me angry.
I realize what an unreasonable notion this is. The problem is me, i know. I hate to admit that i crave eveyrthing without the ability to be satiated. My attention is so easily diverted. I want everything so much that i cant concentrate on anything. But i force myself to.
I have to choose many things right now. Choice is a loss everytime, but without incurring that loss we cannot gain anything for all endeavors require mothering in order to be fully understood, to be worth anything.

that is why people move far away and lock themselves in calbins and record albums.
Its why Mr prox moved to india so he could continue to pilot.
Its why sabrina fairchilds father took a job as a chauffer to have time to read
and why i drove myself crazy for the last four years obsessing over minute details in dark rooms.

Its why anybody does anything well, because they give up alot of other things in the pursuit of them.
But life has been known to occupy itself most of the time with choice, life has been known to be good friends with loss. We cant fear it, or we'll lose everything.

What is more dangerous, success or failure?
If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be fulfilled.
When you realize you have all you need, the world belongs to you.
If you want to shrink something, you must first expand it.
If you want to get rid of something, ou must first allow it to flourish.
If you want to take soemthing, you must allow it to be given.
The slow will beat the fast.
If you understand that all things change constantly, there is nothing you will hold on to, all things change.
If you arent afraid of dying, there is nothing you cant do.
Knowing other people is intelleigence, knowing yourself is wisdom.
Mastering other people is strength, mastering yourself is power.
Embrace the possibility of death and you will endure.
Embrace the possibility of life and you will endure.

geez, it seriously hurts thinking about college. i miss it so much, the people and places and weather and everything stupid. for real, it hurts when i think about it, probably more than it does most people i think, it sucks, it feels like someone broke up with me or something. I Just miss everything, how it felt like summer most of the time, and how the wind howled outside of my apartment, and everything about my apartment, and erin and jen and jess and everyone. The art building, pianoman, gah, just, everything. The bear trail! and the smell and the feel of belonging there at that moment, and free reign to create, our wine holder, our wine, the ferrets (yes even them) hunter and kelsey, all the theater people, registering for classes, terry and jos, just dumb shit. that piano in jame's apartment and making quac everyday, the avocados taste differnt in texas i think. I miss the late night chats with jess and making eggs at 2 am and then the time she spat milk on me becuase she laughed so hard. and that party we had where everyone went insane included me, and i woke up in tie dyed dress. god i jus miss everything. every single second of the last year of college was exquisite, even teh times i spent feeling crappy felt so damn good. I know i skip aroudn alot and i know i will in the future, but i hope i get comfy enough in a place soon, enough to know it like i knew waco, and enough to call it home. I cant wait to settle, but i wont settle. you know alot people take things for granted and complain about them until they are gone, but i never complained about being in college, i mean i had my greivances but i loved fucking everythign about waco, even the nasty and stupid things. That felt so much like home, the first home i have ever really wanted to hold on to. And although i am sure it was time to go and is time to go, god, i miss it so bad it hurts. I really think i just miss the people really, and the heat, i miss the heat almost as much as i miss the people. friends make a home i think.

alright alright, good turkey day, im stuffeedddd as usual, and i made a pretty bangin' turkey curry gravy that was gluten free, and an amazing cake and cupcake arrangement for kims bday, im gonna go ahead and give myself a pat on my cute little behind for that one. booked a flight for dfw today then off to shanghizzle. Im kinda nervous but equal parts excited. I hope things take off from here. I hope this is what i ought to. if anything, ill have some great writing emerge from it, i hope. I love being unstable, but its always nice to have friends and a room to come home to, i look forward to that. I look forward in general. Anways, hitting the gym tomorrow. Too much turkey and mimosa for one day, luckily lifetime is a beast and never closes. tomorrow = 5 miles. done and done.

jessy

so looks like im definatley going to shanghai for a while, until june. Ill be in texas for a couple days in january before i leave, then ciao! until june 1st. Now, funny story, the chinese government blocks the facebook, sooo...that means that i will be using this blog as my primary form of communicaiton along with emails. So if anybody would like to email me my new address on my facebook. Also ill i have my phone that i will have international sevice on, and theres always skype yee haw! Im excited but also a little nervous. When i get back in june, ive decided im going to use the money i saved and visit a few places before hopefully grad school. If anybody wants to spend june jetting around with me, id love a partner in crime.

some men make me feel weak in the knees. Javier Bardem is one of them.

that time i thought about going east

kinda cool, never thought id end up in china, but hey, i think i could do china, maybe. Im gonna need some warmer clothes either way. damn it.
fingers crossed.

That time we went west.

In the summer before I graduated college I went west. At a time when every chemical in every part of my body was right where it should be. A number of culminating circumstances brought me back to "the gang". The OLD gang, really. My three best friends from highshool and I set off for southern california, LA, though endless desert to meet our fourth best friend who was living and working there, lucky bastard. At least I thought so. I think I had an idea about LA that wasn't accurate prior to actually being there. Maybe I didnt give it a fair shake, but bottom line is i found the drive there much more interesting. The four of us, Armin, Gaynor, Nate, and myself departed roughly 3 pm central time, Dallas, TX due west.
What posessed us to do this? I guess i can only claim temporary insanity due to the heat, life long friendship, the need to escape heartache rooted in waco, and morbid curiosity of seeing if we could make it across lifeless highway in time for me to graduate. We had exaclty one week. We drove twenty six hours straight, not stopping, not even to eat, only to pee. There was a bag of banana chocolate chip muffins, clementines, and unsalted organic popcorn in the back. We took a candy apple red chrysler sebring. It was one of the best times of my life, and the strangest. We were all there for different reasons, in all really different places in life, not to mention were all jus incredibly different people to begin with. Bizzare is the only work i can think to describe it right now, but thats not sufficent. It was, nauseating and intrigueing at the same time. Like i'd imagine LSD would affect someone, or the way you feel when you have a fever, and you wake from a fever induced nightmare and that disorientation scares you. This trip was a way for me to explore, and a way for me to make peace with long gone issues i ever had with my old friends, a way for me to suppress my mounting anxiety about post grad, and a way to just say fuck it. Ive heard the best way to deal with your fears is to surround yourself with barrenness followed by wanton decadence. In case you didnt catch the sarcasm, I mean just the opposite. So its funny that this trip came at the time it did, with the people it did through the desert that it did, right into lala land. LA came and went, I went spent two or three whole days there, i cant remember which, it was such a daze. A daze i was happy to be a part of.
Like i said, the drive was the best. Nothing like a great american road trip to bring out deep seated issues in people. We were all stripped down into awkward silence. There was fighting, there was laughing, there was teeth brushing and gum smacking, deliriousness, and damn honest answers to personal questions. We came out of those 26 hours, 26 back knowing each other differently that we had before. Dallas, San Angelo, Alpine I wished, El paso, Santa Fe, Phoenix, Mojave maybe, Flagstaff maybe, Coast. Gas station, switch, gas station, switch, endlessness, gas station, cacti, gas station, drug wars, switch, sun, switch, pee, taco, 20 questions, gas station.
We saw windmills in west texas. I recalled the last time I was in car with these three on the way to the airport in atlanta. I rejoiced in the fact that i was deflowering this side of the country. Never had my body been past this point on the map, i couldn't wait to devour it. Every second i was covering more ground, i was making more progress. This is my moby dick i thought, and every other literary allegory that seems applicable.
I remember, midland, and the massive windmills, and feeling like don quixote. Slicing through uknown, uncut territory, the untread highay. Like a fresh cheesecake highway, or a new tub of butter, but linear and never ending.The car seems uncomfortable and ill fitting and somewhere around hour ten my inner turmoil subsides, and i sink into the leather, and the cage becomes my home. i break it in, like a good pair of shoes, like your footprints when you stand in the ebb and flow of the surf too long until you are burried.
I am Learning about you three, letting our ideas swim around in a small place, forcing us to interact profoundly.
I remember Staring into the night sky near alpine, and the beauty i couldn't see because the sun would not illuminate it for me. It was incredibly frustrating. If we had only been there an hour earlier, maybe on the way back i thought. Wait, I know, I'll press my forehead to the glass pane. Ill force my face through the darkness, I let my night vision adjust by staring and concentrating, and giving myself a headache. I can see everything. I can see through the earth, I can even see the turbines now, they blink red at night for the pilots. I feel like Don Quixote.
We broke down in New Mexico, and i started to worry maybe i really wouldn't make it to graduation. How would i explain this to my parents who thought i was in texas, and expected to meet me there in a day? Sidewalk, books, word games, heat, mechanics, heat, 300 dollars, heat, oil change, heat, heat, heat, heat the engine turns over.
It starts raining.
We drive. Water, we drive, darkness, we drive, sheets, still, we drive. ETA 2 am.
Theres water, theres laughter, theres music, theres the beach boys, over and over again theres the beach boys. Theres laughter, theres water, water, water, water. Lights.
There are police lights.
My head turns, my eyes adjust at the same moment that two women drenched and barefoot from the rain come into focus in the left two lanes of this four lane highway, so does the still dark horizontal outline of a human about 20 feet from a demolished car on the cement guardrail. It obvious these women are distraught, its obvious the police car has just arrived. Its understood in a split second, we have witness something profound.
Everything goes silent and slow motioned in sync with the turning of my head as my jaw rubber necks so far behind left shoulder i think it may pop out of place, but i wouldn't have noticed if it did. Time stopping, that is the closest thing to time stopping that I will ever experience. My mind is blank and void, only fixed and frozen. I snap out of what seemed like 5 minutes but was really only about half a second to sudden jerking of the vehicle. Nathan swerves to avoid hitting the body. "Holy shit that was a dead body!" armin shouts almost reflexively. We all react different. Nathan contemplates going back, Gaynor gets angry at the absence of somberness, Armin is in disbelief and awe. I am sick to my stomach. We decide to drive on, deciding there is nothing we can do to help even if we do go back, the cops are already there. And none of us have any medical resources, or the frame of mind to use them.
We all encounter death and the idea of our own mortality as it pertains to one another.
We all secretly realize that the accident was so recent, There wasn't much from keeping that car from being us.
We are silent.
No one knows what to say.
We each work out internally our own confrontation with death.
We discuss how perhaps the body was alive, insisting that there is a chance to make each other feel better, we all know we are lying.
Nathan awkwardly digresses the discomfort in the car with a factoid about how Jeff Buckley once witnessed and accident involving multiple deaths of illegal immigrants on a highway and how it affected him the rest of his life.
We drive on, cautiously.
Gaynor pops a Valium, he just had oral surgery and has been taking them periodically throughout the trip for pain.
I tell myself the last one wasn't medicinal.
We drive.
I think, Everyone is so afraid of death. I'm not afraid of death, I'm only afraid of not living. Ive got two hands, two eyes, two feet, a decent brain, a deep desire, i need to live.

There was something very defining in that car about life, about your twenties and about discovery.
Dallas 3 am, we pass out on various couches.
I made it to graduation.
We never talked about the body again.

dont try to fix it

Im always tryin 'ta fix everything that comes my way.
Always tryin' to tend to every bodily need and spiritual satisfaction, in constant pursuit of perfection and comfortability in mind, body, soul.
Elizabeth gilbert wrote this passage in eat pray love in which she describes a medetation in her study of yoga. She explains how mosquitoes are biting her and she has every urge to itch it but she doesnt, forcing herself to realize she neednt cater to each and every discomfort.
Mr. Prox thinks its okay to be hungry, and I agree. Its okay to be uncomfortable, its actually kind of freeing to realize it. It feels good to just say, hey, i feel like shit today, im scared, im depressed. It makes it easier to laugh about, which makes it easier to solve, which doesnt breed repetition.
Okay so ill go ahead and say it then and then be okay with it.
I dont know what i want, except to learn, and to have good friends.
And my parents age scares me, the thought of it has always scared me, and its settling in now into a reality. I dont want to see them get old but i know i have to. Its very unsetting, and i know, that someday, I will have to get old too. I hope it works out okay for me. I dont like the thought of being more competant than my parents. Its sort of makes me appreciate them more right now, i mean, they drive me up the fucking wall and we have almost nothng in common, and they have personality flaws and i have sensitivities, but really, so does everybody. Aint nobody special enough to claim they wont let you down, what more, grind your last nerve. But anways, were all we got, and im okay with that. I could have it alot worse. I pretty much like who i am, and Im really lucky although i feel down lately. And although i cringe to admit it, i have fun with my parents sometimes. Maybe I was meant to spend this time with them. Maybe ill be grateful for it someday.

a day.

Im lucky because my toes stagger up from underneath the bathwater.
Im lucky because i'm taking a bath even though i don't need to be cleaned.
Im lucky because my inner ears go numb when submerged, like a corridor in a ancient church, i expect to hear a derge somewhere deep in the vacuum.
Im happy to sense artificial aromas, although plastic, and and essentially vapid, they simulate moroccan atmosphere, im lucky because i imagine it, and i am lucky enough to imagine the possibility of actually experiencing it with some whiff of reality.
Im lucky because my phone rings while im bathing, Im lucky when it doesn't as well.
Its easy to be alone, and I'm lucky im content that way.
Im happy to be reading, and to have read, and to be able to read.
Im lucky because I'm aware of all three.
Im better off because I say what I want, Im lucky because I dont always get it, I'm sad because I dont always know what it is.
Lucky that im waterproof, my skin swallows me whole, without it I could disassemble under pressure easily, sopp up the water and be weighted, left to disentigrate.
Lucky that I have a day to reflect on.
Its lucky i have more than one instrument to play.
Luckily, a piano is a mammoth of an instrument, Im reluctant to approach it. Misinterpreted, it is the most inviting of all the instruments. She lays it all out on the table, twelve note scales at a time, frenquencies, for dummies. Simple and classic, static but surprisingly organic. Hitting an A minor, this is the gentle giant I'm convinced. You're so ridiculous, with your big, dark, commanding core and you're huge open mouth that talks a big game and your 88 teeth sparkly like a great white in hunt. Why, thats nothing but a smile. You're nothing but an artist. You're frankensteins monster. Never asking to be created but magnificent none the less. I'll bet you've never even taken a bite. Here, let me lull you. Its such a shame and a paradox but it seems that everything scary is the result of a miscommunication. We really only fear what we dont understand. What a tragedy, what a magnificent tragedy. I'll play you a lullaby, first with my left, then with my right because it will ease you in, then with both, mano a mano, now its just a movement. Now im just stroking your hair, and leading my finger in circles on your skin, now im just showin off. I wouldnt go so far to admit it, but you, mezzo forte fortissimo piano, are fast becoming my favorite lover. Lucky i can say that.

i know this probably sounds cheesetastic, like an ad for a school or something, but i seriously, honestly, deeply am DELIGHTED at the differences in people. I was just planning on going to shanghai which i might, dependant on the next few weeks, and i was looking at images of the shanghai tower, and words that look more like pictures to me than symbols, at the same time that i was watching the country music awards. Diversity and Biodiverstiy is extraordinary, god i love i love it ilove it !!! people are so interesting. I guess thats why i got so mad when my parents got worried about me living in china, which is stupid, one, becuase im old enough to not need their permission, and two...it makes me angry! they say they are scared of china, what does that mean? scared of china? they dont know anything about china, that is whats scary, not knowing. And whats scarier is that people dont care to confront what they dont know, its depressing, it makes me feel less optimistic about humans, people should seek out what they dont understand. please seek out what youre afraid of, one-way mentalities are scary, are sad.

i got to thinking..

how strangely long it has been since anyone has touched me, and i dont mean in a pervy way either. I mean really, like deliberately hugged or embraced, contact other than accidental. Babies die if they arent touched, it think its unhealthy for adults as well. I mean its so taboo now, its weird, i mean we cant touch men becuase they think it means somethign and we cant touch women because its freaks them out and i cant touch family because its awkward and uncomfortalbe and im left sitting around wishing i had someone to cuddle, adn realy, just cuddle, thats all. Human touch is importat i think, its as necessary as drinking water, gettting sunlight, eating your vegetables. The next time someone hugs me, im not letting go for a while. Yeesh, i need to get out of here soon.

Its never going to rain again.

sometimes i wonder if i'm sabotaging myself by running away from everything good that comes my way, or if im just being smart. I really dont know, either way im a little restless, and my brain is acting weird, and i wish there some arms to find comfort in near by.

I cant get it out! It wont materialize! this feeling, this lost feeling. Its expressive and good but its bothersome and restricting because it wont show itself! show yourself! show yourself! I feel as though something or someone has died. Someone i was expecting, like a long drawn out illness, i knew would effect me but was blinded to the reality of it. Im mad and i dont know at what! Im sad beyond having energy to express sadness and I think i know why. Its an ache for the life i had that i know i will never have again, and dull churn in my belly that doesnt know where its going. That same loop that taunts me and tricks me telling me that i will never know, that life wont budge, that now since i have known pure and simple happiness i will never again experience it on the same terms. All your magic has run out! Youve used up all the good and amazing that one life is alotted! Magic, I wish i could get a little magic. Something's gotta give.

sometimes i get overwhelmed by the pressure to be great. But ive been doing this thing lately that puts everything in really good perspective and suddenly it feels alot better. Everything is just an opportunity, nothing i do really means anything in particular. Life is supposed to be enjoyed not dealt with. When i think of life in its most basic form, survival and longevity, the earth as a planet and an entity rather than how i know it so up close, as an axiom, then everything seems much more simple and it easier for me to just create. The sun will set and rise, the earth will rotate, things and people will live and die, and i will always have times of happiness and sadness. There is nothing scary about cycles, they promise the start of a new beginning in exchange for a small changing period. Besides, times of turmoil are the best for creating anyways, and i can wait.

"were all here to help each other through this thing, whatever it is" - kurt vonnegut

My mind is completely adrift, lingering upon the ever passing moment. Nothing seems to saturate me. I wish to be drenched, and yet, I long for the outdoors, I long for flight, I seem to plead for uselessness and still sit and am divided. My cider sits, as a weak attempt to center myself, and it steams quietly mocking me. I wish to steam, I wish to be concentrated, I wish to have passion like a heat filling and brimming inside me until it can no longer be contained, but am condensed upon the paper as a steam to the ceiling. If only I could dictate the nature of the steam. How we all wish we could dictate the nature of spontaneity

summer

The emptiness in that apartment could not equal the emptiness inside me. The ache was dull and hard to characterize, sort of like it wanted to be heard but didn't want to ask for it. It was clamy and creepy, but perfect. So perfect that I could not have planned it better myself. History, height, him, there was no better combination. Something about the summer, it makes me feel so alive, so alive that i might burst into song and lyrical movement at any given moment, like glossolalia. Im certainly more productive in the summer, healthier, happier. Everything happened for me, and everything always does. Im not in love with anyone, i gave myself to a bigger cause a long time ago. Im devoted to the summer, and everything it encases, this natural ecological and social phenomenon that i cant get enough of. The fall is fantastic enough to distract me from the fact that its gone, but soon winter is here, and my life is happy from day to day, but winter is about getting through it, spring is about anticipation, and the summer is my rebirth. The summer is about holding on to it and using it so well that it wears you down to a shallow breathing gasp of a halt that sputters across the finish line of august and is disillusioned in september, like a shoe with holes in it, and old soft leather jackets that no long squeak, hanging on by a threat, like nails bit down to the quick. Maybe i was born in the spring because i knew if i arrived any later i would not be aware enough to know june. I ache for both the intense joy of and the loss of it every year. Magic not mysterious, concrete not concreted, an avocado just ripe enough, supple beach skin, stringy hair, salty noses. My life is in constant pursuit of one fourth of it.

my biggest fear is that i will never know freedom again like I did this last summer. I wish i could write something breif to describe how the summer, but specifically this past summer made me feel. Ive never felt more alive in my life. I hope i have the joy of ever feeling that way again. Maybe its just the summer, maybe it really was just the heat and it got to me, im not sure. Maybe ill write something about it later..

too much blog for one day

Surely we've all had that moment where... fill in the blank.

If I ever love someone enough to decide to get married, I will think of you before I say yes for a split second because you once sipped a coffee cup beautifully.

And I will always hesitate when responding to an invitation for a date because you once made me laugh in casual conversation.

And I will always think twice about any man who runs around me in circles waving his arms and screaming my name, as im sure he will,

Because you once walked swiftly by me, and didn’t wave at all.

Im not one for altering my appearance at the expense of my body. But If I ever have cosmetic surgery, Ill have my bones widdled down and made hollow so that I can fly away from me. I will throw in an extra wad of bills to have the carcasses of a thousand hummingbirds stitched to my forearms and other arms so that I might be lifted by sudo physics through the atmosphere in the fall, and only in the fall. And when those carcusses decompose beyond fuction, ill perch somewhere high in a crunchy tissue suit, and allow myself an excuse to never climb down.

Life is like a circle of fifths

"i have a great respect for skeptics, skeptics keep us honest"

Im in atlanta, im at a starbucks, hooray, they are playing, what you would expect a starbucks to be playing in the fall, and im deviating from the the reveiw of fractions and functions that I am supposed to be studying for the gre tomorrow. And im wondering, how much does this really count? How much will it effect my life if i get into grad school, even then, how do i pay for it, and even then, i dont HAVE to go i guess, im not really forced to do anything, and yet, that is kind of crippling. Im a little lonely around here these days, i mean, i shouldnt be, i have plenty of people around me, plenty to do, but i feel very stifled, as i have felt, all my life. I feel that i am always bursting at the seams and quickly extinguished by others irreverance. now, this is easy to blame on other people i guess, because it makes me feel like the victim, poor little me, cant get outta here, poor baby, cant say what she wants to who she wants. poor dear doesnt have the type of lifestyle she would prefer. But whatever, i guess this isnt the issue. I suppose I will be itching, wherever i can itch, as much as i can, all my life, to keep doing, moving, wanting. I sometimes feel insatiable. Life and love are so very very funny.
Here I am wanting to get away, and here I am with more than one chance, and all i can feel is fear, and I'm worried that will keep me from it. It seems simple enough, just stop. But life has a way of taking you capitve, and Im not sure that it's always a bad thing. I wish i could define the way things happen and for what reason, but then again, that would take away the mystery, the je ne sais quoi...the fun. Its hard to make sense of things sometimes when you try to understand everything all at once. I waver all day every day on what and who i want. The only things I can settle on that i can grasp and be equally entranced by:

tetra chords
a circle of fifths
alliteration
cadence
chiaroscuro
and spelling.

If there ever was a word for me, its ennui.

Things that have happened and been happing and will happen, lately:
Rome was possible.
California was a long shot but im waiting to hear back.
I had all the opportunity in the world and still wanted texas.
I tried to reconcile wanting to be with someone with feeling contained.
My Halloween costume is the shit! serendipidous!
I found an old faux fur coat and started wearing it around, it looks like i killed something and it gave me a hug and stuck that way. people think its really disgusting, I think that is fantastic.
My mom gave me a jade bracelet and cameo ring set that i am in love with.
I heard a song called "dusty" and oh my freaking gawd, it changed my life, i want the blues, what the hell am i talking about i have the blues.
i relistened to a cd kisten made me and had good thoughts.
I went to florida and ate so much seafood that i became concerned about my mercury levels
i ran like hell.
my car broke and i decided i will sell it soon
had a talk with a guy in the airport about hunting and its many similarities to fishing, although ive never really done either. I kidn of fished, once, when i was 16, in a lake, in florida.
I watched way too many haunting shows for my own good and got creeped out in my house alone.
I drove down 141 throughbuckhead and noticed how on fire the trees are right now.
I took full advantage of my smart phone and started checking emails.
I shot a wedding and surprised myself.
I greatly improved my sightreading, and found a great new friend in tony stiakakis
I made a distant friend, maybe not so distant.
I got the flu and did nothing, for days...
I fishined one of the several books im reading, and realized the story is not as good as teh writing, and thought, huh, i can do this better.
I seriously put off studying for the GRE and am frantically re learning highschool math.
I budged a little and came up with a backup plan.
I asked myself, "what's the worst that could happen?"
I said to myself "I could make that" in more than one cirucumstance
I told myself "get up".

my email account on this is going to run out really soon because it is under my Baylor account which will be deactivated eventually. I could try and revive it somehow but instead i think ill just start a new blog, for a new chapter in life. it makes sense i think. Ill post the new address once i get on it and some updates on my life, in case anyone wants to follow me in this treacherous journey into the unknown cyberfields and 20 something land.

jess

im going to florida for a few days. yee haw.

i will study for the gre on the beach all day every day. wah hoo.

i will cross my fingers, practice my sight reading in the den, and finish my book. zip ah!

also, i'll prolly formulate further my idea for halloween costume, its gonna be awesome!

south bound.

jcole

images that i run across lately that got me really excited

tim kicks it again, ps book is now out, crazy expensive but worth it

allen ginsberg, i have no idea if a spelled that right, in florence, i kno this becuase i have a picture of myself in the exact same spot, which is exciting

ellen degeners is cover girls newest face, can tell you how happy this make me, the woman is stunning.

Marriage

it becomes cereal at midnight, and you start to look like each other.

-photo of picasso by irving penn
rest in peace mr.penn, its was a helluva run!

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703746604574461240418087868.html?mod=WSJ_hpp_MIDDLENexttoWhatsNewsThird

life is a series of things. Hellos Goodbyes and I love yous.
Hello! I love you. Goodbye...

Florida for a few days, they're having a heat wave..90 degrees whoo
then home for teh gre..then...fingers crossed.

maybe im afraid to do anything so im putting off everything. I dunno.
anyways i just feel very extinguished, all the time. rah.

you: people like that are a dime a dozen, its dumb luck.
me: i cant handle that.

I'll keep my eyes peeled for that person. ick! i feel stuck.

Every death is like the burning of a library.
Alex Haley

Rip Ida

Im awake.

I’m awake because, I’m always awake.
I’m writing because, I have to. As I have begun to realize this is something I must periodically do in my life, the less I think, the better. But then again, that is the problem with this thing. Its not a diary, It’s not journal, It’s not even a place for these entries really. Then…
What is this? Somewhere where I am supposed to be honest? Maybe that is what I am supposed to be. I find myself crunching down and editing and condensing my meanderings to fit whoever reads this thing, when maybe, I should just say whatever the hell I want. I have been making the efforts to be more vulnerable lately. So I will let this thing die, and become abandonded, that’s how I like it anyways, that’s how it began.
The truth is.
I’m so scared, I wish I weren’t but I am. And I’m lucky enough to be able to say it I guess. I want so badly, and Im not sure what or what for. All I know for certain is that I want shelly’s old piano and a room I can have to myself, and friends, and the freedom to create. I just don’t want to fail. I never have been very good with that whole transition thing. I suppose this is helping.
Maybe if I could just describe what I miss.
If I could just recall how your stature was just slightly above mine. If I could steal back all the ideas you stole from me, I wouldn’t. I don’t care, I’m weary in that way.
If I could muster up a memory of what it smelled like then maybe I would be happy.
Like…dust, lonely dust. Poor dust, poor poor dust. I’ll stir you up.

I’m seeking out kids because I wish to be more selfless this year. Or maybe it’s just that kids have always brought me joy, and now, I can have them for a year hands free. I hate to admit that.

If I could jus remember what it is that I desired last summer. Was it him? Maybe, I desired him the way I desired coffee on Monday mornings, and naps at two. Or I desired humanity, there is something about the summer that makes you so much more human that you normally are. Something about the winter that makes you less. Something about the fall that gives you hope for it, and the spring which renews that hope in you after the winter has ravaged it away from you. But aint that just life. Just when you think you have a handle on something, it dies, its gone, and suddenly comes back to surprise you just when youre on the brink of extinction yourself. That is humanity, and that is humane.
Yes, I take my humanity very seriously. This is all we have, this is all we are. Hallelujah. Take your thoughts and nurse them, take your feelings and let them intensify, cultivate them. Exploitation? No. honesty I think.

I would like to describe that moment when someone begins to sing and your eyes water and you have to look away. Because it’s so rare. Dear little one, you have made me spill my saline, stirred something in me, yum. I loveee that feeling, but you have to hide it, you have to run away, to secret it, because im afraid if it becomes more tactile, more real, more unspoken, it will cease to exist, I must preserve that awkward, very, very, very well. Perhaps I should not then, have written this.

I want to describe the feeling of gaining weight in my cheeks, and Naomi and who she is. And I want to describe how someone named clara might die in waco and how. Bizarre but reassuring.
cultivate your habits, habits are style.
It seems I live for nothing more than descriptions, and to find things suitable for them.

The hardwood floors and the vinyl that was my companion. The look of you and whatever came over me when we jumped in the lake and I saw your tattoos. Im afraid I’ll never have a summer this way again. Im afraid ill never be locked in a cemetery with anyone again until I’m a resident of it.
I should stop but I wont. I want to describe, and scribe, this place, this light, this tension, this noise. Everything, the feeling of it all, the immediate comfortability. The way my heart settled in when I first met that house, and the way it left unsettled. The cat pee, the club that you joined, the men that you’ve had, The woman you are. The friends you take, the trouble you keep, the foods you make, the life you lead.
The people around you.

As much as I believe in words, Its so hard to find an accurate group of them to describe you. I don’t really know that feeling, It’s not love, It’s not depth, It’s like….accuracy. Your look is so accurate and your presense is so inviting I’d rather just stick to the look of you for fear that my attempts to sew myself to your insides will unstitch quickly and tether. So let me grab my fabric glue, and quickly attach myself to your outsides and say, that I have never seen a pair of eyes so childish. They practically reached our and grabbed mine. Strangled the optic nerve and sucked iris bursts from them so that I was blinded. Maybe that is why yours are so amazing, they steal the life from everyone else’s. I don’’t really know what you are to me.
I wonder If I had the choice between being able to see the most beautiful thing in the world and going blind, or never seeing anything beautiful again, which I would choose. I don’t know why I asked that.

Im not an automaton at all, so come and get me.

I am not an automaton at all.

You don't know that you inspire me. You don't know how you do. You don't know I feel i have to live up to you, you don't know that. You don't know how good you are, you don't know how good you are at all. You know how much I wish i had it like you, but you don't know that, do you.

I love language, and I love communication. I love it because it defines us, because it relates so deeply to everyone and is so personal to a life, and I love to use it. It feels good to say for no reason at all. In Spanish, I love the word “langosta” which means lobster, in Italian, “sbagliato” (zbal-YAH-toh) which means mistake. That it is not though, it is perfect. Beginning with a hissing sound at the base and rounding into an “ahhhhh” at the back of the throat where it should almost become a gulp sound at the silent “g” but doesn’t, And just when you think the word has given everything it can give you for one syllable, it quickly counteracts itself and assaults you with a quick and assertive “yah-toh!” warranting a head nod. I love that word because it means how it feels. Like a mistake often is, innocent and unsure at first and then out of nowhere comes back to bite you, leaving you bitter but better.
I think it is beautiful that we are each given the same instrument and out of necessity and tradition we have found infinite ways in which to use it. Some of us click, some purse our lips, or roll the tongue. There are a myriad ways to use what we have to communicate, and they are all intertwined with our social and cultural conditions. It’s as if everyone has been given the same problem to solve, and the manifestations that have risen from it are so vast and personal that it is overwhelming.
Languages and the study of them inspire me. I think they are as structurally sound and efficient as a steel-beamed building, yet as weathered and culturally seasoned as a cottage overgrown with kudzu. As diverse and transformative as a ball of silly putty and yet definitive and characteristic with the ability to communicate nuance in only the way art and touch can rival.

yay! interview! not what i was looking for exactly but whatever...it'll all work out im sure. Also, i have been getting soo much awesome new music lately. Experiencing a resurgance of old music too, lovin it lots.

I've been here before. Only i wasn't as aware of it. My feet used to take the same route when they were half the size they are now. I remember the road, but I've gotten so old, I cant be sure that the road remembers me.
People often comment on how i run too much. Which im sure is true because ive worn out my hip and both feet doing it and so ive forced myself to slow down. But what many of my friends dont know is that running is not just a way to stay healthy, It's also very spiritual for me. Because, becauase it's steady and quiet and repeating, like a meditation, and hard. My Ipod broke which is probably the best thing that has happened to me lately. Dont get me wrong i love my deary departed Ipod, but it has forced me to run in silence, It is so nice. I can hear my breathing and sense my weight shifting from left right under neath me, like the road is a scale. I remember thinking it was so far from the pool to my block when i was little. My sister and I used to walk together in the summer, and one day i threw a fit in front of all her highschool friends becuase i was so overwhelmed at how far it was i started crying and sat down. I would give my eight year old self a good talking to now. I hope, I will make certian, that i will never again sit down and cry because something looks too overwhelming. I may cry, I may sit, but only with intention of stopping and getting back up.
Did you know mushrooms gro in circles? Well at least, I assume they do, either that or andy goldsworthy has been chillin on my block if ya know what i mean. I was running today and...yeesh, that preface, It seems anytime Im talking about anythign these days it preface it with "I was running and..." Its become a fixture, like.."e tu brute?" or "and then i foudn five dollars.." anyways
I was running and....I saw a magnolia bud, which is unusual for this time of year but i picked, yeah, i did it, sue me. I ran with it in the rain cradled like an infant. It must have looked strange. Everything here is so lush right now. It has been raining for a week and half straight. Metro atlanta is flooding, its crazy. Luckily I'm on high ground naturally. Anyways the rents are in florida soaking up the sunshine and Im here worrying, worrying but not sitting. And although this is one of the most unstable times in my life, It is also the most peaceful. In fact, I think this is the most peaceful i can ever remember feeling, and yet, here I am longing to get out.
All of the southern in me is surfacing suddenly. God, something about the smell of that magnolia in my room. It makes me miss I mom and I dad. It is the most wonderful smell. The smells of home are what i miss the most. And the sound of the storm drains righ now outside the shutters. And that other smell that i cant put my finger on that is so assaultingly associated with fall. Its like the smell of outdoors, or crisp, sort of like bacon but not unlike soil or campfire. Its very hard to describe, I just know it when i sniff it, and is strong associated with my memory and identity here, as is teh magnolia. If I dad were here, he would say somehting like "what's its name? how about maggie!" "maggie idad?" "yeah, maggie nolia"
he always did have a great sense of humor.
I suppose i should apologize for being inchoherent but Im not going to.

http://hypem.com/track/860395/Radiohead+-+Nude+Holy+Fuck+Remix+

heeeeeeck yes.

i prefer the strong, silent type.

cheeeeesse

i know its cheesy, but seriously, some of the most universal and honest lyrics ive ever heard are the verve's bittersweet symphony. Either than or the beatles, in my life.

Its a bittersweet symphony this life, try to make a ends meet youre a slave to money then you die. Ill take you down the only road ive ever been down, you know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah.

There are places i'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life i've loved them all.

i cannot sleep to save my life. Three cups of coffee today im pretty sure my now regular several cups of coffee and day now are the cause of my lack of sleep. On the other hand im sleeping lighter and therefore remembering my dreams. The one tonight was particularly good. You know those dreams you dont wanna wake up from ahhh this was one of those, it was awesome. I need that dream again. Today, i learned about rebracketing, it was awesome.

Gambling.

I forgot how cold it gets here.
I forgot how soaked everything gets.
I forgot how beautiful the rain is when the fogs sets in over the lights.
I forgot how much i liked it, and how much i love wearing pea coats and boots.
And I even almost forgot how that first hint of fall smells when it creeps up close to the end of september.
That sun hypnotized me for a while.

What a gamble my whole life is right now :)

nervous/excited

jess

I know he's probably already gotten enough of this but....

i sent joe wilson and email today entitled "health care" which simply said

"bad form sir, bad form.

sincerely,
jessy cole"

i felt a little better
mlia

man, for someone who doesnt have anything to do i sure have been busy.
application/job search is in full swing and going pretty well, but i wont say too much cuz i dont wanna jinx it.
My cousins are moving to florence in about a week so im going to try to visit a bit...pending pulling a few strings.
Ive been to two weddings in the last week, one italian style, one cuban. both rockin.
visited sam in milli for a couple days and will likely return next week for a lil'.
crossing fingers, counting blessings, trying to run like crazy.
nervous,

jess

oh.my.god.
i-have-so-many-decisions-to-make!

good grief this is so overwhelming :)
starting tomorrow it starts!

also i would like to note that i had the most fantastic trip to whole foods today. nom nom nom. i really think i fit in over there, i gave my sister a guided tour heh.

unusual

Its hard for me to say that something im choosing to do is unusual, seeing as i make a habit of pursuing the things that i dont not like or understand, but I am going to do something very unusual, very vulnerable, and i'm going to admit.
I admit, that yes, i have been callus with myself. Pervading empathy and parading around sensibility. And then it seems that out of no where, with no real cause for it, i have suddenly become very in touch with my sensitivity. And even stranger, i really like it.
A big baby, ive been such a baby, weeping at the most inexplicable moments when i would have in my previous life remained nothing but stoic. I mean, dont get me wrong, im not a blubbering idiot but just a simple tear, maybe two.
I have never in my life cried at a wedding, but something inside me felt very adult about allowing myself to become emotional when i saw maggie walk out in vera wang. Maybe it was the vera wang, maybe it was maggie, maybe it was the champagne.
Another recent moment was this past week in new york, at ground zero. And the funny thing was, this wasnt my first time visiting it, my third actually! This time only, i wept. Then i revisted the news footage of the towers falling and agian, i lost it. it felt so good. I understood it so much more this time, and i realized, i hadnt seen that footage since i was a kid. Really, a kid. It doesnt seem like that long ago but it was. Im so different. I remember where i was, do you? I was in french class. I remember every detail about that morning.
Its simply exhilerating that my new found empathy feels a direct result of adulthood, just when i thought i was past the tantrums. Maybe its just that now, i feel i have something important enough to cry about.
Anyways, its 3 23 eastern standard am and i feel very exposed. Im up again, thinking, about everythign that i have to think about right now, and everything that i dont.
There are a few things ive discovered upon the brink of early adulthood.
one, i no longer have a problem telling people i have a problem with that i do. And nine times out of ten, i think they would rather know, i know i would.
I can admit basic truths and traits about myself.
I admit, I feel very deeply about peopel that i meet before i really know them and i have to tone it down a little as we get to know each other.
I admit, i simply detest people who dont have a mind of their own and work from others ideas only. weakness.
People who deney themselves and hide parts of themselves anger me. Also passive agressiveness can just quit and id be okay.
I admit, i am weak myself at times, and thats human, and thats okay, just be honest about it.
I admit, i am huge supporter of gay rights, womens rights, and human rights in general. call me a raging femenist i really dont give a flip.
I admit, there is such a thing as sex, and to deney it in conversation and life is ignorant.
I admit, i could always use a little criticism.
And still, admititdly, Im a pretty smart chick, im confident, and i can take a compliment without getting cocky.
And still, one of the most basic truths i still cant shake, is that more than anythign in my life, laughter has been such a constant. I once read that laughter was the shortest distance between two people, or something like that. I think other than to create, and communicate, laughter will always be my first love.
oh yeah, and i admit, i am entirely not funny.

ive been up to alot lately, easier to explain in photos

latest work of art, a screen print, scarabs transposed with pablo neruda. This ended up being one of my favorite classes. College ended, it was bittersweet, but out with the old and in with the new.

This is my lovely friend Lizzie. She was fanning herself to stay cool in this nyc studio, it was hotter than blazes with all the equipment. We were listening to morgan's cousin, Matt white, record a cover of a neil diamond diamond song "forever in blue jeans" for the newest gap campaign "born to fit" Commercial should be out in february, keep an eye out for this guy he's great, youre all soon to hear more about him im sure.

Lizzie and tina with Maggie's beautiful baby boy "enzo" short for lorenzo (as in lorenzo de medici in memory of florence) Needless to say this boy won all the girls hearts on our trip to nyc. the sweetest kid ive ever seen. cant wait to watch him grow up.

miss burch. so sad to see her go. hope to see you soon! sooner than soon!

the light takes its shape and wraps the buildings. Particularly this church in nyc. Such a beautiful day, such a beautiful city.

pretty girl, morgan whips around for a natural pose, and yes, that is maggies dress in the back ground, courtesy of vera wang. this was right after caswell removed the garter..bow chicka wow wow.

grace, the flower girl. i didnt think i would get emotional at this wedding, it never occured to me, but when i saw maggie walk in i just lost it. i dont think ive ever felt that much diverse emotion at once, at least not anytime recently that i can think of. I felt so intensely happy for and proud of her, i cant say ive ever felt that emtion at a wedding before. this was definatley a very personal ceremony. little did i know that a year and a half ago when i met a tough bitch from rochester that i would be at her wedding someday soon and incredibly moved by it.

natey's 23rd! celebrated with yaz, daniel, andrew and yours truly. Mrs adams ran out of letters so this lemon bundt birthday cake reads "vappy birfday nate" vappy birfday indeed.

the day that shaun, hunter, braeden and i went to the nude beach in austin. seriously, i think this was the best day of the summer! here's to the nakedest people i know, and some of the best. As the window was rolled down braeden lifted this scarf and let it fly around in the backseat, it was so pretty, and through tipsy eyes i snapped this, turned out to be one of my favorite pictures of the summer.

beautiful friends, goodtimes our last night in nyc in the back of a cab on the way home. Lovely lizzie on the left hails from chicago, Morgan the brave, on the right from fort worth. Both great friends of mine and former roomates from italy. These girls are such a delight.

is this not the most gorgeous woman youve ever seen? Maggie on the day of her wedding in the hotel room. She had just gotten her hair done and we came to hang out, i forced her to pose before we all started crying and ruined our make up, corny i know, but smart.

Blair took us on a drive up mulholland in LA to see the city veiw. It was stunning but freezing, i had no idea california got so cold! i must admit, the temp was a little disappointing, seeing i was coming from my ideal 103 degrees everyday, bliss.

Blair and his girlfriend and my friend katy, graham, and gaynor, all very old friends. Ive known these kids forever and i love em. This is Santa Monica pier, we ate some seafood shortly after.

endless desert, ive always wanted to see, and finally got to.

so much more...ill update later.

let me just say, I am SO glad, that we are entering that adulty phase in life where its not strange for men to dress up from day to day because they look SO GOOD IN A SHIRT AND TIE. am i right or am i right?

im right.

every person is a book.im attempting to record just a little of mine in the hopes that i wont forget

photos from way back when.... they're not the best quality they are not particularly artsy, they're not really even of anything necessarily, but they are the ones that mean alot to me, that jog my memories.




















i thought of a more cathartic way to solidify waco. List of memories..go.

The blue house, that crazy cat, i was allergic to that entire house. The cat whose meow sounded like baby and freaked sean out

two words "im gayyyyyy"

dancing at squares on d's bday with the instruments. squares in general and the frozen cosmos and creme brulee.

the cemetary. photos with brian, wine with drew. Getting locked in, ha.

Adria, who left her scarf at my house that smelled insanely good. Meeting at CG.

Shaking and not being able to help it. Twisting that peice of paper into oblivion.

Being whiney and emo the ENTIRE first semester senior year, and it all started with a couple margaritas in the summer.

Nathan and i watching wet hot american summer in his car freshman year, and meeting in the wind tunnell of noro.

Dr. Offit, Berry Klingman, Luke Ferretter, Dr. Katie Robinson.

The theater kids, whom i met late but loved.

The time brian and I played monopoly in Waco hall at 4am. The time sean and i encountered the ghost in waco hall.

That semester that i ran wayyy too much for my own good but loved it.

When erin adopted the mangey dog, and that other dog, and those ferretts.....

Talking late late nights during the week with jess about crazy shit.

The summer i spent with jessica and the photo II, and our class full of jessicas, and our bitchy prof.

The summer i spent with sean in the hot tub at ll sams, depressed because nathan was in europe but happy to have him.

driving the bear trail and yelling at the passerby's with sean to boost thier self esteem.

The drawing class that i met hunter and jess in that was essentially a three day a week dance party that i rolled out of bed for because the class was in my parking lot.

Hunter's red streak.

The fall out shelter.

That day in salado with the hay bail when i wanted to kiss you and didnt.

That time I met you and a week later you moved and i was ALOT sadder about it than i anticipated.

Skipping class for hunter's loft time.

Kerrvile and all involved. Realizing that texas was beautiful.Tony.

Sean and I married in austin at teh driskill. The gay guy who told me i was pretty and it felt good.

Me, in my apartment, with the jack, alone, falling into my bed.

Running at the checkered figure behind the headstone, surreal memories. Sitting on a porch with you feeling like a woman.

red lipstick, everywhere.

That semester that i had one hp three days a week.

Erino and jennbear.

the night i finally opened the janare with jess sam and herbie by the lake and we saw a shooting star.

The night of the tornado and sean almost died on the highway.

The day i almost died at the intersection of speight and 12th because i thought the light was a four way stop for some reason, and my heart pounded, and i sped over to nathans to cry.

hunter and my "go to" outfite, which i now dont remember what it was , maybe that silk shirt i got at goodwill.

That semester that i was so immersed in school that my writing kicked major ass, but then i realized i didnt have a life so i traded it for lesser grades.

paul sands class, and meditations on theology across the quad to the honors dorm to meet nate and blab about it.

That time i was sick and spent an entire week in sean and nates dorm room watching seans movies and realized that i hate "closer"

living with james. the piano. the light. the heat.

beyonce with de and co.

that daydream that i had about you and me and the rain and baylor plaza II.

angie mccoo and realizing that both jess and i knew her in differnt contexts, once invovling a pizza, once involving a baby.

that night that jess and i dressed up for our "night out" and went to common grounds

our french pumpkin on halloween that i spent forever on.

ugh, halloween in general and all those drunk texts. ick. worst day ever. also my costume didnt work out quite how i planned i remember.

lunches with de and sean.

my fav spots. bangkok, chipotle, teriyaki park, clay pot, crickets, britts.

when herbie and i went to kitoks and to the foggy lake and i was worried he would kill me :) and then after wards in woodway when that car followed us scarily close and then sped away.

allllll the 8ams.

that night freshman year when nathan and i cried hysterically outside noro hugging each other, and didnt care what people thought.

when grandad died and i couldnt go to the desert.

when i lived with jeremy and i loved bella.

those two weeks after graduation when i had a hell of a time scooting from austin to argyle to dallas to waco to kerrville.

vaga vaga vaga.

finding friends i wish i had known for four years. loving them just as much.

when i realized i should pursue photo. bob smith. susan dunkerly. John. D. McClanahan

exploring the theater and being exhilerated.

late night talks with sam in his car and it was freezing, so we went to cg.

the mighty hooka lounge.

Barry and Jd. that conversation that jd and i had right before christmas break that one year.

when i told erin and jenn that they were racist in so many words and then felt bad about it.

that day we sang the little mermaid throught the whole house impromptu while i was in the bathtub haha.

the hot apartment G!!

when i lost my cool with jess and we didnt talk for a long time.

when i saw you in the drive through last semester and it made my night.

when i felt sorry for it all.

when we went camping with chris and erin.
when we went cliff jumping with dan and andrew.
when i blew off chris for a date and shouldnt have.

allll the birds, all the time, but especially at 5pm inthe fall.

When the winter wasnt so cold after all.

the first semester when it was, and i really should have bought a heavier coat but didnt.

there, maybe now i can cry.