tao

Sometimes i find myself feeling held captive by own decisions. Its strange because they are not necessarily bad decisions really, just decisive moments and places that have brought my life to where it is now. Again, not really a bad place to be, but i feel conflicted in that by choosing something i forfeit another intrinsically. It just happens i guess, you can only have one good thing at a time. I know im in no position to complain about much really, but sometimes i wonder what my life would be like, who i would be, if things were only slightly different. I call upon those moments in my life where ive had a choice. I think back to instances in which i had to forgo one thing to gain another. There is no right or wrong choice just difference between them. Im at one of those points again, and i hate it. I basically have to chose between the two halves of myself for this one. Its not going to be easy. Either way, ill try to be happy, ill make the best of it, but once again i find myself crippled by indecision. I hate that place, it makes me so anxious. All my life i think ive been crippled by indecision. The problem really is not that im afraid ill make the wrong choice, but just that i know i will miss out on something one way or another and that scares me. I have an unquenchable thirst to find most things, to find anything, so much so that even to find another boasts the agony of not finding something else. Ive always been like this. Maybe thats why, well, no, im positive that is why i love to chalk things up to fate and conveinince. flip a coin, eenie meenie, minee or moe. I have been known to finish off major decisions with rock paper scissors. I dont know that im proud of this. I wish i could just know what i want. Wait, screw that, i know what i want. The problem rather, is that i wish i wanted only a fraction. But i dont want a fraction, i want it all, i want it fucking all. I want to lick up and taste every edible schred life there is. I want to devour it. I want to read every book ever written, published and unpublished. I want to visit every continent, country, city, home. I want to know every language livng and dead in its entirety. I want to know what every man and woman kisses like. I want all the music right here right now. Devour. That is the best word to describe it. My humanity and inability to do all of these things all of the time make me angry.
I realize what an unreasonable notion this is. The problem is me, i know. I hate to admit that i crave eveyrthing without the ability to be satiated. My attention is so easily diverted. I want everything so much that i cant concentrate on anything. But i force myself to.
I have to choose many things right now. Choice is a loss everytime, but without incurring that loss we cannot gain anything for all endeavors require mothering in order to be fully understood, to be worth anything.

that is why people move far away and lock themselves in calbins and record albums.
Its why Mr prox moved to india so he could continue to pilot.
Its why sabrina fairchilds father took a job as a chauffer to have time to read
and why i drove myself crazy for the last four years obsessing over minute details in dark rooms.

Its why anybody does anything well, because they give up alot of other things in the pursuit of them.
But life has been known to occupy itself most of the time with choice, life has been known to be good friends with loss. We cant fear it, or we'll lose everything.

What is more dangerous, success or failure?
If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be fulfilled.
When you realize you have all you need, the world belongs to you.
If you want to shrink something, you must first expand it.
If you want to get rid of something, ou must first allow it to flourish.
If you want to take soemthing, you must allow it to be given.
The slow will beat the fast.
If you understand that all things change constantly, there is nothing you will hold on to, all things change.
If you arent afraid of dying, there is nothing you cant do.
Knowing other people is intelleigence, knowing yourself is wisdom.
Mastering other people is strength, mastering yourself is power.
Embrace the possibility of death and you will endure.
Embrace the possibility of life and you will endure.