she is finite.

i cant help it if my knees knock together when i sleep, all this so that i need a pillow between them, it hurts. I cant do much about the fatigue and the ache right now caused by an inability to digest certain proteins, this body, what a piece of junk, what a piece of work, what a waste of reproductive space, what a bunch of bravado, and a fantastic machine.
Why are we so afraid of age and pain? perhaps because it is the speaker and heralder of death, reminding us of our mortality and transition. Disturbing i guess. Why is it that we are so ashamed of our emotional and physical needs? perhaps because it is proof of our fragility. it is frightening to not know, it is frightening to not be. And so some try to make sense of our potential non existence and our tendancy and threat to be such through some kind of god or gods via beleiving in the after life, by prolonging life. While, others just tease it with a sweet sensed disregard for caution that rivals vengance as if to say, damn you for making me this way, I will prove my fearlessness. I have never claimed to be fearless, im afraid all the time really, but i do have an unfair amount of courage than should be given to one person. For this reason, i cant help but find good things, although it may bring me through bad, i dont mind. ive always been kind of tease anyway.

another year done. almost.
heres to many more.

a cafe corretto raised to all of you, wherever you are, with whoever you are, take a deep long savory swig of something and tell yourself "im happy" or tell yourself "im sad" just tell yourself the truth, and savor the next year of your life with the same fierce that you savor this glass, whatever it is filled with.

salute.

j

look, im all for courageous fashion efforts, im all about gaga, but some themes of clothing are not okay with me and should be outlawed. Yesterday, or the day before, i cant remember but it doesnt matter it would be equally as traumatizing, i went to juicy green with deb and sam and her friends julia and anne for some after-lunch fro yo. It was a relatively small space which suffocated me with one wardrobe atrocity after another. i really though someone was playing a joke on me and i wish i had taken a picture. now the lineup, respectivley: first, athletic wear girl in an itsy bitsy demin neon green tennis skirt with pleats and nikes. Then, tacky christmas sweater lady in the corner matching her husband with a bunch of fro yo all over herself. And who could forget, miss Im gonna match rainbow plaid wool sweater with a fuzzy leopard print bag, green kahaki pants, and sneakers. at this point its official, im in hell. but lets not leave out the flip flops in winter brigade and their ever so stylish friends: the uggs and pajamas club. Unless they were dying of some winter sickness and forcefully shuttled to the fro yo shoppe, then they have no excuse. yeesh. I dont mean to be snobby, only to have standards, you cant wear pjs out, everyone else has to get dressed, nothing makes you that special. Its one thing to be differnt, its another to look like a slob, the difference is effort. There are certain things that seemingly indicate survival, but really, when cultivated surpass merely this. Like food, junk food is one thing, and for sure everyone should have access to good fair clean food, but some things that i read the ingredients on i cant comfortably put in my body, like wise, some things i cannot comfortably put on my body. Im not too good for essentials, i just realize that to treat them with respect improves the quality of life and breeds happiness. I dont mean to say that these are bad people or anything, its more for there sake, i just think that your appearance is more important that people give it credit for. Now you cant judge a person on their appearance but you can judge their self worth, pending that they have the resources, I do realize that some people in the world do not have access to good clean clothes or food, all the more reason to respect your acess to them. There is a certian respect that is involved in taking something that you must do for survival and making it worth something. Respect for yourself and respect for your good fortune. And just to be clear, respecting yourself, your body, and your appearance is NOT at all necessarily expensive, it does not require an excess of money, only consideration. Its just, anything worth doing is worth doing well, this is not selfishness or excess, it is health and it is care. I just think that without the need to strive to ensure quality and to seek beauty and revolution and novelty, then we have nothing but survival, and honestly, without beauty and intricacy id rather not survive. What is the world without a perfect creme brulee, and chanel and art museums, what is life without wonder? Its not snobbery, its excellence, excellence that dictates and feeds every desire to be better that will ever exist beyond it. It makes being human worth it i think.

That being said.

i love you all.

j

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqzUI1ihfpk

oh my gawd, so funny

holy crap i took half a nyquil dose to try to get some rest when i couldnt go back to sleep and ended up sleeping until 4 pm. waste. of. space. today haha.

anywho, lots to blog about, im on it later.

update

clicking my heels together...i wish it was summer, i wish it was summer.

so, heres an actual update on my life since most of the time im just ranting.
im going to visit emmie in dc soon with sean! should be a good time :)

okay after that im seriously going to busy what with christmas and all the awesome visitors that are going on(miss burch that means you!)

ill be in texas breifly in january but then after that ill be gone for a while.
Im getting nervous about china as well, but sometimes excited too.
basically i have about a million decisions to make about life after china.

im still not really sure if i want to go to graduate school but im going to wait to hear from everyone before i make a decision. The alternative is this portfolio school that ive actually gotten really excited about. Creativecircus.com if anyone is interested. Leigh is going too so thats kinda cool, also its just down the road so i wouldnt have to worry about transportation or somewhere to live, at least not too in depth.

basically all things financial are going down at the moment, but its hard to focus on that when im not sure when or where im going to be.

im thinking of selling my car and also ive developed and unhealthy interest in lady gaga for some reason.

ive been wanting to create lately but am so restless i cant, i havent been sleeping much and when i do its very erradic. my knee has been acting up a little so i havent run as much, but i swear ill shove myself off to run once the rain subsides. :)

im always cold, hate the rain, usually seek good conversation, and i miss all of you.

busy busy

flight(s): booked.

gotta go now.

dc to atl to dfw to chicago to shanghai to hong kong and then back to dfw for some much needed summer.

if i can get Thailand in there then im golden, but who knows.
yeesh this is gonna be busy. wonder where ill be in the fall? as of now, either virgina highlands or denton. i love to move around, but i cant wait to settle somewhere again.

j

tao

Sometimes i find myself feeling held captive by own decisions. Its strange because they are not necessarily bad decisions really, just decisive moments and places that have brought my life to where it is now. Again, not really a bad place to be, but i feel conflicted in that by choosing something i forfeit another intrinsically. It just happens i guess, you can only have one good thing at a time. I know im in no position to complain about much really, but sometimes i wonder what my life would be like, who i would be, if things were only slightly different. I call upon those moments in my life where ive had a choice. I think back to instances in which i had to forgo one thing to gain another. There is no right or wrong choice just difference between them. Im at one of those points again, and i hate it. I basically have to chose between the two halves of myself for this one. Its not going to be easy. Either way, ill try to be happy, ill make the best of it, but once again i find myself crippled by indecision. I hate that place, it makes me so anxious. All my life i think ive been crippled by indecision. The problem really is not that im afraid ill make the wrong choice, but just that i know i will miss out on something one way or another and that scares me. I have an unquenchable thirst to find most things, to find anything, so much so that even to find another boasts the agony of not finding something else. Ive always been like this. Maybe thats why, well, no, im positive that is why i love to chalk things up to fate and conveinince. flip a coin, eenie meenie, minee or moe. I have been known to finish off major decisions with rock paper scissors. I dont know that im proud of this. I wish i could just know what i want. Wait, screw that, i know what i want. The problem rather, is that i wish i wanted only a fraction. But i dont want a fraction, i want it all, i want it fucking all. I want to lick up and taste every edible schred life there is. I want to devour it. I want to read every book ever written, published and unpublished. I want to visit every continent, country, city, home. I want to know every language livng and dead in its entirety. I want to know what every man and woman kisses like. I want all the music right here right now. Devour. That is the best word to describe it. My humanity and inability to do all of these things all of the time make me angry.
I realize what an unreasonable notion this is. The problem is me, i know. I hate to admit that i crave eveyrthing without the ability to be satiated. My attention is so easily diverted. I want everything so much that i cant concentrate on anything. But i force myself to.
I have to choose many things right now. Choice is a loss everytime, but without incurring that loss we cannot gain anything for all endeavors require mothering in order to be fully understood, to be worth anything.

that is why people move far away and lock themselves in calbins and record albums.
Its why Mr prox moved to india so he could continue to pilot.
Its why sabrina fairchilds father took a job as a chauffer to have time to read
and why i drove myself crazy for the last four years obsessing over minute details in dark rooms.

Its why anybody does anything well, because they give up alot of other things in the pursuit of them.
But life has been known to occupy itself most of the time with choice, life has been known to be good friends with loss. We cant fear it, or we'll lose everything.

What is more dangerous, success or failure?
If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be fulfilled.
When you realize you have all you need, the world belongs to you.
If you want to shrink something, you must first expand it.
If you want to get rid of something, ou must first allow it to flourish.
If you want to take soemthing, you must allow it to be given.
The slow will beat the fast.
If you understand that all things change constantly, there is nothing you will hold on to, all things change.
If you arent afraid of dying, there is nothing you cant do.
Knowing other people is intelleigence, knowing yourself is wisdom.
Mastering other people is strength, mastering yourself is power.
Embrace the possibility of death and you will endure.
Embrace the possibility of life and you will endure.

geez, it seriously hurts thinking about college. i miss it so much, the people and places and weather and everything stupid. for real, it hurts when i think about it, probably more than it does most people i think, it sucks, it feels like someone broke up with me or something. I Just miss everything, how it felt like summer most of the time, and how the wind howled outside of my apartment, and everything about my apartment, and erin and jen and jess and everyone. The art building, pianoman, gah, just, everything. The bear trail! and the smell and the feel of belonging there at that moment, and free reign to create, our wine holder, our wine, the ferrets (yes even them) hunter and kelsey, all the theater people, registering for classes, terry and jos, just dumb shit. that piano in jame's apartment and making quac everyday, the avocados taste differnt in texas i think. I miss the late night chats with jess and making eggs at 2 am and then the time she spat milk on me becuase she laughed so hard. and that party we had where everyone went insane included me, and i woke up in tie dyed dress. god i jus miss everything. every single second of the last year of college was exquisite, even teh times i spent feeling crappy felt so damn good. I know i skip aroudn alot and i know i will in the future, but i hope i get comfy enough in a place soon, enough to know it like i knew waco, and enough to call it home. I cant wait to settle, but i wont settle. you know alot people take things for granted and complain about them until they are gone, but i never complained about being in college, i mean i had my greivances but i loved fucking everythign about waco, even the nasty and stupid things. That felt so much like home, the first home i have ever really wanted to hold on to. And although i am sure it was time to go and is time to go, god, i miss it so bad it hurts. I really think i just miss the people really, and the heat, i miss the heat almost as much as i miss the people. friends make a home i think.