deep breath.

Okay disregard my bitching, im working with it. Chinese is better, fo sho...still have some kinks to work out in order to make sense some times but on the whole i am largely communicative here. Andrea's going away thing is tonight, sad day. On the upside my new phone takes great pics which i can now upload effectively because my memory card and sim actually function now, in an fugly phone, but nonetheless. Also i learned something awesome in mandarin..
Basically because there are four tones, saying the word "ma" can mean either mother, hemp, horse, or scold, so...because of this ridiculous and unique addition to this language, we can say things like this and make sense...the numbers delineate tone

MaMa1 qi ma3 , Ma man, MaMa1 ma4 ma3

MaMa qi ma Ma man Mama ma ma

...if you can beleive it this translates to..

Mother rides horse, Horse slow, Mother scolds horse.

I know, I know.

also id like to call attention and paralell to things like this, thanks natey:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo

Ive been having a lot of really strange really crpytic dreams involving very physical things, i have theories as to what they mean. First the one one about me drawing my own blood and liking it, but being ashamed of other people knowing i like it. Somehow this means something. Also i had a dream that my younger sister was pregnant and then had an abortion and then was pregnant again and she was telling me about it at this wedding for someone i didnt know and we were in the 80's but in our 20's. There have been other small strange ones but those are the ones worth mentioning. I wish i had brought my dream analysis book by carl jung to china. That would be some good reads right now. O well, ill just stick to "how language works" and "speaking of chinese" for now. I forget the authors right now.

The weather today is gorgeous, if only it would last, i know it wont though, the rain here is certain.

Next on the docket... Hangzhou, Tokyo, Hong Kong, TX! HOME!

getting excited, getting lost,

j.

i hate to complain

i hate to complain, i really do, but lately it seems like one thing after another, and i hate money, i really do. what with doctor bills and new phones and flight confusion and yadda yadda yadda. Im started think someone has it out for me lately. Lets hope this passes soon. In other news, still no idea about when ill be starting at the cirucs, im thinking now october, i went ahead and deferred colorado until next fall so i decide i hate the circus after a quarter then i can go to boulder by then and would have had time to figure out the money and living sitch. Being an adult is sucky. It really makes me wanna move somewhere warm with you and stay there forever as a fish vendor, and drink from coconuts, and live on colada's and speak native. le sigh. I recently had this really vivid dream that i was drawing my own blood repeatedly with a syringe and i was enjoying it while everyone was really weirded out and upset by it. I think it means im emotionally drained or something.

keep me in mind, times are hard.

somewhere warm,

j

mei you blackberry

Ni Hao, wo yao mai dian hua...ni you mei you blackberry? Zhende ma? oh, xie xie? hmph.

Hmm apparently mei you blackberry in China...and mine is completely fucked. So if anyone should need me by phone, i may or may not be reachable for a while in that capacity, which is probably for the better cost wise, but it depends on how long i go before i cave and buy a phone here. Ill let you know.

In health news, all is safe. I went to the doc and she seems to think everything is normal so thats a relief, however, is was an expensive peace of mind....good greif out of pocket healthcare overseas...make sure your insurance will reimburse you if you plan to do this by the way. aye oh.

Lately things have been enjoyable but also stressful, im bracing myself for whats to come, the next few months are gonna be nuts, and i still really have no idea exaclty what ill be doing when, i do however have a 230 dollar credit at delta to use at my leisure, so im sure that will come in handy. woo-ha!

On saturday i went to koala and fi gave me a hug, and we just didnt let go, for whatever reason, and we just swayed while hugging for about 20 minutes and talked into each others ears, then some other people joined in, we basically started a middle school dance in a bar, it was weird, but awesome. Im not really sure why we started doing it, but i didnt really care, i suppose we hugged for everything. We hugged for all that we wanted to say and couldnt or didnt want to. For andrea leaving, for ourselves, for the realization that i wont see both of them very soon, for our own personal crises and for own personal lonliness and for our own individual happiness. i also realized that Fi is some kind of Confucius. I swear to god someone should write "the tao of fi" sometimes she says things that are just so on its ridiculous..."just do whatever you want youre gonna die in 50 years or whatever anyways" "i swear to god there would be no problems if everyone just hugged all the time" "I have no idea whats going on but lets do it" "well just make an appointment, geez" Somehow here perspective on life just kind of pushes me to do things that i lack, and that is what really good friendship is i think. It was sort of a big bang for andrea who is leaving at the end of this week ( tears) Fi and I are actually meet her tonight to shoot the shit before she ships off home to the Philippines and then to Thailand to start school, and ultimately new york to apprentice. Fi and Drea...something tells me i havent seen the last of them, fingers crossed.

Also on saturday we went with our friend "alex" to what we could tell from what he was saying was to dance...but in the translation, we didnt realize we werent going to like a club to dance, but to a studio space for his crew "losstuntown". So we went into some random opening in a wall off the street and ended up in a crowded room of young chinese b boys and one b girl...called brenda who was only about 17, it was basically a break dancing free-for-all, everyone was smoking, one guy was riding a bike, and i definitely improved my chinese a bit. Of course alex was the best there, we saw some great battles and then went to chi fan (eat). Yea, im speaking chinglish now.

Im still really unsure, and am having money woes, but overall happy despite the growing void where you and you should be that i keep suppressing.

Ohhh bathing suit weather, and comfort, and sleep, and sovereignty, how i miss miss miss you baby.

my hair is longer, my phone is fucked, my life is inching along, and my mind is at ease, however much it can be.

phew. cant wait for a rest. Sheme Shuo "roller coaster" in Chinese?

-wo ( in the third tone)

make an appointment, add the smiley face, knock on wood.

A baby screams at its first contact with life, and maybe this is because its offended at this alternative route of living, exposed from a life of silence and solemnity and warmth. But a baby also coos shortly after, and wraps its tongue around what little noise it can muster just to be able to be, just to be able to say, just to commune, and just to have. It doesn't seem that we really need or want anything that we really think we do. I mean, really, If i don't do everything i mean to do all the time Its not like the end of the world, and even if it was, then i guess, see ya never, and thats okay. To Jane, health is warmth, to me, it is blanance. To Mei Ling, delicious is strong, to me it is fresh. To Portia, natlie is paramount, furniture is movable, and money is a blip. For me, life is movable, i dont know what is paramount, and life s a blip. Every decision I have ever made has worked out i suppose, one way or another, somehow or not. Life goes in cycles, but i have never wanted to remove one, not really, when i think about it.
You could wake up tomorrow and die.
Its true.
Its not that far off.
So fuck it, go for a swim, go for a jog, put yourself through hell or indulge. Just do whatever ya want, youre gonna die in 50 years or whatever anyways. Try to help. Try to feel, learn, and make make make. Make everything...make yourself a place, carve yourself a spot in the world or a person in the world or a thing that you love and just fucking exhaust it until there is nothing else to love, no shred left to give.
And take care of yourself.
Go see that doctor because you know you're not crazy .
Go have a bowl of soup and tell you professor to shove it because you know he is.
Go for a bike ride.
Wear yourself out with too many activities.
Dye your hair suicide blonde and fall in love with a cowboy.
Spend your last quai to see mt.fuji and dont worry about it right now.

We are the changers, we are the movers, do what you feel, do what you need, try to discern the difference i suppose.

Que sera sera, this is a blip.

-moi

Here, now.

Im alot of things, which is why i should be an artist, which is why i am without meaning to be sometimes, so theres that. I want to just strip all the outside from myself and say everything I am, but im not sure i always know, and thats okay i guess. I suppose im someone who loves natural anything, and thinks that peace is the stuff of tomorrow. Im also someone who would take a pair of scissors to most anything just to see what happens. Im a worrier, a really, really, big worrier, in spite of every attempt and rationalization not to be. Sick. Literally sick with worry sometimes, now even. I can compose some pretty good things in more ways than one. I'd love to be a knockout, you know, that red nailed plump lipped goddess that stalks around places silently and evasively with coals for eyes. Suckers never saw it commin' did they? But im not really, im not that person, im somebody with scars for freckles and question marks for eyes, horrible posture, a short curvy so and so, with what im told is better than average hair. so theres that. I have a slightly awkward demeanor, rolling my eyes unintentionally, without direction at any one thing reflexively. But my skin is exhausted, mangled and discolored, my joints are achy, afflicted. And my insides are sometimes bone weary from all the discomfort. I not always someone that knows what she wants but who wants to always know, so theres that. My spine wants to stretch out and i never feel quite right in a resting position. ha. I want the simplest of things, all the time, and somehow can never seem to obtain them. I feel overly anticipated by others. I have never taken for granted other people, i dont think. Really i feel increasingly sentimental about good friends, so much i want to cry, and get cuddly with them. I grind my teeth...apparently. I love dark rooms, and bright outsides, an extremist. I like warm rain but cold water. I like to be alone, but i like to be with you too. I get lonely. I get independent. Im terrified of failing health, and senses. Im not afraid of old age just of an old body. Im not afraid of death, just of not living. Intuitive. Easily overwhelmed. Unaware. Perceptive. Jack of all trades master of none. Eager too learn, tires easily. Real and simple is best, throw in a neon tutu and ive got it made in the shade. There's good and bad in everything. Everything in moderation. I get down. I grow up. I grow tired.

I grow tired of everything, but what do i want to keep growing tired of?

J

Apparently, im also someone who occasionally designs clothes out of lack of creative manifestations. These are some recents. meh.

holy cow..moo.

Im not really feeling very articulate or clever at all, just really really nervous. I know money is an issue, but thats just money, money is money, its stupid pieces of grimy identical papers with old white guys on it. So really, money will come, and money will go, and mone will work itself out im sure, well im not sure, but whatever.
Really, the problem is the not knowing. I dont know what exactly im getting myself into in choosing between two proxies that just sort of keep moving in the opposite direction of one another when they are entirely related and enhance each other. So why is it that i cannot combine language and art?

But its just language. and its just art. its not me.

I have the ability to settle wherever i am placed, which is good, but the tragic flaw of ache for what i cannot know. Im so worried i will regret what i choose. Really, either would be magnificent. Either would be expensive. And both would be difficult, but rewarding.

I know as an artist, knowing about language will make me a better art director...but knowing about art does not make me a better linguist, at least not in anyway marketable.

It really seems stupid to circle around these things right? I mean, really, who is this self involved that they think all day in their conscious downtime who they want to be and what they want to do. I am the biggest schmuck ever.

But anyhow...

I hope i can settle soon. I feel a pull towards one, but neither are a garuntee of happiness, and neither are garuntees of success or failure or fortune. But both do promise something, no matter what it is, it will be some. thing... And i hope that some thing, some where, is enough.

tired of talking about it,

j

updates in slang, and corny quips

There are a ton of new things going on in my life right now. Good things yes, bad things yes, unsure things abso-freakin-lutely.

Hmm lets just start in the ever lovin middle of it all...okay, Hawaii was more than a little wicked, my birthday was better than best, and it was rockin seeing morgan and finding a friend in her friends as well. I know you'll all laugh at me but i have already looked into the linguistics program there (its awesome by the way) but in light of everything, i still feel very out of control. The whole gluten thing is really bumming me out but the past two days i have been able to feel a bit of a rebound physically, i have more energy and feel happier, so i hope i can continue to keep this under control until i return to texas.

Money wise...ive decided to just blow it all and go to tokyo if i can with morgan ( because when else am i gonna go to tokyo right?), who is planning on now visiting me in china! yay! then im going to hong kong in mid may with portia and natlie so i hope this all works out...a lot of travel plans wah wah!
And now for the best and most confusing news of all...i got into the m.a. program for linguistics at u of co boulder! ah! Seriously i was tearing up when i got the news, ive never been so excited in my whole lovely life..well, i probably have but still it was pretty awesome. Now, this would be great all except this throws a major hitch in my get-a-long...ya see..out of state tuition in colorado is ridiculously expensive..which means alot of ridiculous loans and even then this excludes books and living expenses, so really, its a major gamble as im not even sure i could pay off these loans quickly when i graduate, but it would be fun while doing it. Anything is possible right? hmm not so sure.
On the other other other hand there is still the circus option in atlanta, which i am more confident about financially. It seems like a better investment but im not sure its the right choice still. I know i should be elated to have to great options in front of me but the stress from having to give up one is killing me, all the while im seating at the intersection of everyone wonderful in my life who lives all over life in various walks of it. I wish i could gather you all up and put you on my own little block somewhere tropical where my education is paid for. Im super nervous, and crazy unsure, but i guess thats what im supposed to be? Whatever, theres no map here. Hmm anything else? Tons probably but ive trimmed the fat, and the point is amici and amigos..

This is gonna be tough, but good i think.

j

Im kind of having a moment.

If you will indulge me...I need to talk.
Perhaps it seems selfish to bitch about ones own health issues through the blogosphere, but I find, that If I can somehow put to text my frustration, sometimes it helps.
I spent a really big, really important chunk of my life feeling sick and irritable. I had to quit a lot of things i wanted to do because my body wouldn't let me, and I mentally glazed over a lot of situations i could have fully enjoyed because my brain was in such a fog. I know im lucky in most ways, and really, Im not complaining...But the frustration of my gluten allergies sometimes gets the better of me. The achy joints, the bouts of inexplicable depression, the weight gain despite rigorous activity and very little to eat, and constant "poor baby" looks from friends or the even worse, suspicious glares from across the table when i take only a few bites of something, or leave the bun off the burger. I know that glare all too well, it means one of two things "she's anorexic" or "she's vain and a crazy dieter"
There's also that little issue of dermatitis...which for years no one could explain..YEARS! with inexplicable scar-causing skin irritation! And memory loss! and just generally awfulness!
I dont mean to poke around for sympathy, only to try to explain the depths of which a sticky little protein has effected my life, some ways good, other not.
Im happy because i realized the value of health much more than i would have had i not had these problems, and I appreciate good, clean, fair food. I also am more aware of how amazing my body is, and respect it all the more. On the other hand, it makes traveling very difficult..something i seem to do alot of. And it make people worry and pity me, which i dont want. It has also made me much more aware of my ability to chose, and has revealed to me what exactly "need" is and what it means, often prompting me to think...if i were starving...would i eat a bread roll? I still go back and forth on that one.
The thing is, i think everyone deserves good clean healthy food that makes their life worth living. And lately, with all the slip ups and weight gain and various symptoms, my frustration has become very hard to manage, and Im kind of having a moment..
where i feel trapped in my own body.
completely out of control.
and deeply deeply frustrated.
I also hate to be difficult, and hard to please. Trust me, its not that, I will quite literally eat ANYTHING that I'm not allergic to, so i hate to have to ask everyone all the time what is in everything. Im not really sure what or who to be mad at. Myself? My parents generation for eating processed foods? Food companies themselves for putting fillers in everything unnecessarily?
No Idea...but its really throwing me. And in this moment of intense and utter vulnerability, I have to say...I have never felt more unsexy than i do right now, more out of control, or more misunderstood. I'm a strong person, and for whatever reason, I have to deal with this in my lifetime. I am confident that I will get it together as soon as possible, and be the normal me again one day, but right now, Im just really having a moment.
Tears are okay i think, life is hard just as much as it is awesome too.

Slow down. Calm down. Don't worry. Don't hurry. Trust the process. -alexandra stoddard.

fingers crossed,

j

you'd be crazy not to walk if you have legs.

right?

last few days in waikiki.

yup, already scheming to come back, its beautiful here, and warm, and life is a bit slower.

sort of dreading going back to shanghai now after this, but still, nothing ventured nothing gained..or something.

lost of thoughts stirring around, ill try to regurgitate them here later.

promise.

j

There are other walls in china..

..specifically of the linguistic persuasion. The other day, I tried to tell Jane that i was a bit sick because of the spring and everything. So, i invested a little faith in my trusty pin yin dictionary and said "Wo bing le" turns out this actually means "I have a disease". So basically, i marched right up to poor Woo Tei Ying and told her im an incubus of death. Naturally, i received an appropriate response when she looked at me as if i just told her my foot fell off and backed away ever so subtly and equally as subconsciously. I then realized the severity of my statement, and we had a good laugh, and she told me the right word for just "sick".

and I forgot it. duh.

So the next day we're at natlie's school waiting around for her mandarin teacher so that Jane can ask her question regarding natlie's tutelage. It got to be half past and so I walked to the english speaking teacher and asked her where miss amy was. "oh miss amy is sick today" "oh! okay, bummer, alright well, never mind then buh bye" I then turned back to Jane searching for the Chinese words I needed in my Rolodex of a brain, and could only muster "uhh, she has a disease today, sorry"....in mandarin. She laughed and understood, and we left.

Really, I'm loving these little interactions everyday. Im loving slowly peeling away the identity of Woo Tei Ying, Sung Yuran Di, Ku Ching Yu, and Pan Yu Hua. There really isn't much any other way to describe it except to call it family. It took me off guard, but I will miss them week while im in Honolulu. On the upside there should be Easter candy abundant, which i am prepared to take full advantage of. Of course, Morgan is Jewish and i don't celebrate Easter really, so im sure we'll probably just end up doing something jessy and morgany like eating a ton of chocolate, which is better than mass. Plus its my birthday, and as much as I'm tempted I'm going to leave the mandarin book at home. Communication is amazing, but Reese's peanut butter eggs are better...but only very slightly.

happy early "that guy from that novel died" day...

j