oh.my.god.
i-have-so-many-decisions-to-make!

good grief this is so overwhelming :)
starting tomorrow it starts!

also i would like to note that i had the most fantastic trip to whole foods today. nom nom nom. i really think i fit in over there, i gave my sister a guided tour heh.

unusual

Its hard for me to say that something im choosing to do is unusual, seeing as i make a habit of pursuing the things that i dont not like or understand, but I am going to do something very unusual, very vulnerable, and i'm going to admit.
I admit, that yes, i have been callus with myself. Pervading empathy and parading around sensibility. And then it seems that out of no where, with no real cause for it, i have suddenly become very in touch with my sensitivity. And even stranger, i really like it.
A big baby, ive been such a baby, weeping at the most inexplicable moments when i would have in my previous life remained nothing but stoic. I mean, dont get me wrong, im not a blubbering idiot but just a simple tear, maybe two.
I have never in my life cried at a wedding, but something inside me felt very adult about allowing myself to become emotional when i saw maggie walk out in vera wang. Maybe it was the vera wang, maybe it was maggie, maybe it was the champagne.
Another recent moment was this past week in new york, at ground zero. And the funny thing was, this wasnt my first time visiting it, my third actually! This time only, i wept. Then i revisted the news footage of the towers falling and agian, i lost it. it felt so good. I understood it so much more this time, and i realized, i hadnt seen that footage since i was a kid. Really, a kid. It doesnt seem like that long ago but it was. Im so different. I remember where i was, do you? I was in french class. I remember every detail about that morning.
Its simply exhilerating that my new found empathy feels a direct result of adulthood, just when i thought i was past the tantrums. Maybe its just that now, i feel i have something important enough to cry about.
Anyways, its 3 23 eastern standard am and i feel very exposed. Im up again, thinking, about everythign that i have to think about right now, and everything that i dont.
There are a few things ive discovered upon the brink of early adulthood.
one, i no longer have a problem telling people i have a problem with that i do. And nine times out of ten, i think they would rather know, i know i would.
I can admit basic truths and traits about myself.
I admit, I feel very deeply about peopel that i meet before i really know them and i have to tone it down a little as we get to know each other.
I admit, i simply detest people who dont have a mind of their own and work from others ideas only. weakness.
People who deney themselves and hide parts of themselves anger me. Also passive agressiveness can just quit and id be okay.
I admit, i am weak myself at times, and thats human, and thats okay, just be honest about it.
I admit, i am huge supporter of gay rights, womens rights, and human rights in general. call me a raging femenist i really dont give a flip.
I admit, there is such a thing as sex, and to deney it in conversation and life is ignorant.
I admit, i could always use a little criticism.
And still, admititdly, Im a pretty smart chick, im confident, and i can take a compliment without getting cocky.
And still, one of the most basic truths i still cant shake, is that more than anythign in my life, laughter has been such a constant. I once read that laughter was the shortest distance between two people, or something like that. I think other than to create, and communicate, laughter will always be my first love.
oh yeah, and i admit, i am entirely not funny.

ive been up to alot lately, easier to explain in photos

latest work of art, a screen print, scarabs transposed with pablo neruda. This ended up being one of my favorite classes. College ended, it was bittersweet, but out with the old and in with the new.

This is my lovely friend Lizzie. She was fanning herself to stay cool in this nyc studio, it was hotter than blazes with all the equipment. We were listening to morgan's cousin, Matt white, record a cover of a neil diamond diamond song "forever in blue jeans" for the newest gap campaign "born to fit" Commercial should be out in february, keep an eye out for this guy he's great, youre all soon to hear more about him im sure.

Lizzie and tina with Maggie's beautiful baby boy "enzo" short for lorenzo (as in lorenzo de medici in memory of florence) Needless to say this boy won all the girls hearts on our trip to nyc. the sweetest kid ive ever seen. cant wait to watch him grow up.

miss burch. so sad to see her go. hope to see you soon! sooner than soon!

the light takes its shape and wraps the buildings. Particularly this church in nyc. Such a beautiful day, such a beautiful city.

pretty girl, morgan whips around for a natural pose, and yes, that is maggies dress in the back ground, courtesy of vera wang. this was right after caswell removed the garter..bow chicka wow wow.

grace, the flower girl. i didnt think i would get emotional at this wedding, it never occured to me, but when i saw maggie walk in i just lost it. i dont think ive ever felt that much diverse emotion at once, at least not anytime recently that i can think of. I felt so intensely happy for and proud of her, i cant say ive ever felt that emtion at a wedding before. this was definatley a very personal ceremony. little did i know that a year and a half ago when i met a tough bitch from rochester that i would be at her wedding someday soon and incredibly moved by it.

natey's 23rd! celebrated with yaz, daniel, andrew and yours truly. Mrs adams ran out of letters so this lemon bundt birthday cake reads "vappy birfday nate" vappy birfday indeed.

the day that shaun, hunter, braeden and i went to the nude beach in austin. seriously, i think this was the best day of the summer! here's to the nakedest people i know, and some of the best. As the window was rolled down braeden lifted this scarf and let it fly around in the backseat, it was so pretty, and through tipsy eyes i snapped this, turned out to be one of my favorite pictures of the summer.

beautiful friends, goodtimes our last night in nyc in the back of a cab on the way home. Lovely lizzie on the left hails from chicago, Morgan the brave, on the right from fort worth. Both great friends of mine and former roomates from italy. These girls are such a delight.

is this not the most gorgeous woman youve ever seen? Maggie on the day of her wedding in the hotel room. She had just gotten her hair done and we came to hang out, i forced her to pose before we all started crying and ruined our make up, corny i know, but smart.

Blair took us on a drive up mulholland in LA to see the city veiw. It was stunning but freezing, i had no idea california got so cold! i must admit, the temp was a little disappointing, seeing i was coming from my ideal 103 degrees everyday, bliss.

Blair and his girlfriend and my friend katy, graham, and gaynor, all very old friends. Ive known these kids forever and i love em. This is Santa Monica pier, we ate some seafood shortly after.

endless desert, ive always wanted to see, and finally got to.

so much more...ill update later.

let me just say, I am SO glad, that we are entering that adulty phase in life where its not strange for men to dress up from day to day because they look SO GOOD IN A SHIRT AND TIE. am i right or am i right?

im right.

every person is a book.im attempting to record just a little of mine in the hopes that i wont forget

photos from way back when.... they're not the best quality they are not particularly artsy, they're not really even of anything necessarily, but they are the ones that mean alot to me, that jog my memories.




















i thought of a more cathartic way to solidify waco. List of memories..go.

The blue house, that crazy cat, i was allergic to that entire house. The cat whose meow sounded like baby and freaked sean out

two words "im gayyyyyy"

dancing at squares on d's bday with the instruments. squares in general and the frozen cosmos and creme brulee.

the cemetary. photos with brian, wine with drew. Getting locked in, ha.

Adria, who left her scarf at my house that smelled insanely good. Meeting at CG.

Shaking and not being able to help it. Twisting that peice of paper into oblivion.

Being whiney and emo the ENTIRE first semester senior year, and it all started with a couple margaritas in the summer.

Nathan and i watching wet hot american summer in his car freshman year, and meeting in the wind tunnell of noro.

Dr. Offit, Berry Klingman, Luke Ferretter, Dr. Katie Robinson.

The theater kids, whom i met late but loved.

The time brian and I played monopoly in Waco hall at 4am. The time sean and i encountered the ghost in waco hall.

That semester that i ran wayyy too much for my own good but loved it.

When erin adopted the mangey dog, and that other dog, and those ferretts.....

Talking late late nights during the week with jess about crazy shit.

The summer i spent with jessica and the photo II, and our class full of jessicas, and our bitchy prof.

The summer i spent with sean in the hot tub at ll sams, depressed because nathan was in europe but happy to have him.

driving the bear trail and yelling at the passerby's with sean to boost thier self esteem.

The drawing class that i met hunter and jess in that was essentially a three day a week dance party that i rolled out of bed for because the class was in my parking lot.

Hunter's red streak.

The fall out shelter.

That day in salado with the hay bail when i wanted to kiss you and didnt.

That time I met you and a week later you moved and i was ALOT sadder about it than i anticipated.

Skipping class for hunter's loft time.

Kerrvile and all involved. Realizing that texas was beautiful.Tony.

Sean and I married in austin at teh driskill. The gay guy who told me i was pretty and it felt good.

Me, in my apartment, with the jack, alone, falling into my bed.

Running at the checkered figure behind the headstone, surreal memories. Sitting on a porch with you feeling like a woman.

red lipstick, everywhere.

That semester that i had one hp three days a week.

Erino and jennbear.

the night i finally opened the janare with jess sam and herbie by the lake and we saw a shooting star.

The night of the tornado and sean almost died on the highway.

The day i almost died at the intersection of speight and 12th because i thought the light was a four way stop for some reason, and my heart pounded, and i sped over to nathans to cry.

hunter and my "go to" outfite, which i now dont remember what it was , maybe that silk shirt i got at goodwill.

That semester that i was so immersed in school that my writing kicked major ass, but then i realized i didnt have a life so i traded it for lesser grades.

paul sands class, and meditations on theology across the quad to the honors dorm to meet nate and blab about it.

That time i was sick and spent an entire week in sean and nates dorm room watching seans movies and realized that i hate "closer"

living with james. the piano. the light. the heat.

beyonce with de and co.

that daydream that i had about you and me and the rain and baylor plaza II.

angie mccoo and realizing that both jess and i knew her in differnt contexts, once invovling a pizza, once involving a baby.

that night that jess and i dressed up for our "night out" and went to common grounds

our french pumpkin on halloween that i spent forever on.

ugh, halloween in general and all those drunk texts. ick. worst day ever. also my costume didnt work out quite how i planned i remember.

lunches with de and sean.

my fav spots. bangkok, chipotle, teriyaki park, clay pot, crickets, britts.

when herbie and i went to kitoks and to the foggy lake and i was worried he would kill me :) and then after wards in woodway when that car followed us scarily close and then sped away.

allllll the 8ams.

that night freshman year when nathan and i cried hysterically outside noro hugging each other, and didnt care what people thought.

when grandad died and i couldnt go to the desert.

when i lived with jeremy and i loved bella.

those two weeks after graduation when i had a hell of a time scooting from austin to argyle to dallas to waco to kerrville.

vaga vaga vaga.

finding friends i wish i had known for four years. loving them just as much.

when i realized i should pursue photo. bob smith. susan dunkerly. John. D. McClanahan

exploring the theater and being exhilerated.

late night talks with sam in his car and it was freezing, so we went to cg.

the mighty hooka lounge.

Barry and Jd. that conversation that jd and i had right before christmas break that one year.

when i told erin and jenn that they were racist in so many words and then felt bad about it.

that day we sang the little mermaid throught the whole house impromptu while i was in the bathtub haha.

the hot apartment G!!

when i lost my cool with jess and we didnt talk for a long time.

when i saw you in the drive through last semester and it made my night.

when i felt sorry for it all.

when we went camping with chris and erin.
when we went cliff jumping with dan and andrew.
when i blew off chris for a date and shouldnt have.

allll the birds, all the time, but especially at 5pm inthe fall.

When the winter wasnt so cold after all.

the first semester when it was, and i really should have bought a heavier coat but didnt.

there, maybe now i can cry.

hangin' up my hat here. wish i could cry but i cant.
So, what have i left with what i have i emerged holding?
you and you and a few others.
Memories, very happy ones at that.
others, very sad.
a new sense of self.
a permit to do.....whatever the hell i want :)


mmk the melancholy is gone. now its just downright sadness. ugh feeling disoriented, flailing. need to do something exhilorating.

i know what i want, but what now? i cant wait until i feel pulled agian.

mmm.

one day, i will be away.
one day i will be gone.
i will be chasing, i am chasing.
matter of fact, im just a chase.
some time soon, i will be in a bathtub on a mountain, a piano on a beach, a bed by a bank.
i can feel it coming.
I will tap the top of the pyramids with my little index, i will recycle the oxygen of morocco in my lungs and then sopp up the spices with what little breath i have left. I'll tip toe down the arms of a statue in brazil, pee in the dead sea and see if anyone notices, leave my mark on the mouth of the sphinx, sucker never saw it coming, max factor no. 44. rouge.
David, I'll lean with ya. Mary, ill mourn with ya, Mecca: im there, count me in, im counting carbs to speed miles around ya. I'll wail at the wall, ill do ya one better.
I will be christiane amanpour, i am amelia in her plane, sylvie and her oven, Jackie O. Marylin Pickford and Greta. I get you Emily Bronte. We can share stories about dieties we've dated, Cleopatra. we can swap spit about white chalk, p.j. Harvey, Pattie Smith. very soon, don't believe me? take a note, write this down, save the date. Keep the camels warm Cleo.
quote me on that.



i hope.