Im kind of having a moment.

If you will indulge me...I need to talk.
Perhaps it seems selfish to bitch about ones own health issues through the blogosphere, but I find, that If I can somehow put to text my frustration, sometimes it helps.
I spent a really big, really important chunk of my life feeling sick and irritable. I had to quit a lot of things i wanted to do because my body wouldn't let me, and I mentally glazed over a lot of situations i could have fully enjoyed because my brain was in such a fog. I know im lucky in most ways, and really, Im not complaining...But the frustration of my gluten allergies sometimes gets the better of me. The achy joints, the bouts of inexplicable depression, the weight gain despite rigorous activity and very little to eat, and constant "poor baby" looks from friends or the even worse, suspicious glares from across the table when i take only a few bites of something, or leave the bun off the burger. I know that glare all too well, it means one of two things "she's anorexic" or "she's vain and a crazy dieter"
There's also that little issue of dermatitis...which for years no one could explain..YEARS! with inexplicable scar-causing skin irritation! And memory loss! and just generally awfulness!
I dont mean to poke around for sympathy, only to try to explain the depths of which a sticky little protein has effected my life, some ways good, other not.
Im happy because i realized the value of health much more than i would have had i not had these problems, and I appreciate good, clean, fair food. I also am more aware of how amazing my body is, and respect it all the more. On the other hand, it makes traveling very difficult..something i seem to do alot of. And it make people worry and pity me, which i dont want. It has also made me much more aware of my ability to chose, and has revealed to me what exactly "need" is and what it means, often prompting me to think...if i were starving...would i eat a bread roll? I still go back and forth on that one.
The thing is, i think everyone deserves good clean healthy food that makes their life worth living. And lately, with all the slip ups and weight gain and various symptoms, my frustration has become very hard to manage, and Im kind of having a moment..
where i feel trapped in my own body.
completely out of control.
and deeply deeply frustrated.
I also hate to be difficult, and hard to please. Trust me, its not that, I will quite literally eat ANYTHING that I'm not allergic to, so i hate to have to ask everyone all the time what is in everything. Im not really sure what or who to be mad at. Myself? My parents generation for eating processed foods? Food companies themselves for putting fillers in everything unnecessarily?
No Idea...but its really throwing me. And in this moment of intense and utter vulnerability, I have to say...I have never felt more unsexy than i do right now, more out of control, or more misunderstood. I'm a strong person, and for whatever reason, I have to deal with this in my lifetime. I am confident that I will get it together as soon as possible, and be the normal me again one day, but right now, Im just really having a moment.
Tears are okay i think, life is hard just as much as it is awesome too.

Slow down. Calm down. Don't worry. Don't hurry. Trust the process. -alexandra stoddard.

fingers crossed,

j