Life is like a circle of fifths

"i have a great respect for skeptics, skeptics keep us honest"

Im in atlanta, im at a starbucks, hooray, they are playing, what you would expect a starbucks to be playing in the fall, and im deviating from the the reveiw of fractions and functions that I am supposed to be studying for the gre tomorrow. And im wondering, how much does this really count? How much will it effect my life if i get into grad school, even then, how do i pay for it, and even then, i dont HAVE to go i guess, im not really forced to do anything, and yet, that is kind of crippling. Im a little lonely around here these days, i mean, i shouldnt be, i have plenty of people around me, plenty to do, but i feel very stifled, as i have felt, all my life. I feel that i am always bursting at the seams and quickly extinguished by others irreverance. now, this is easy to blame on other people i guess, because it makes me feel like the victim, poor little me, cant get outta here, poor baby, cant say what she wants to who she wants. poor dear doesnt have the type of lifestyle she would prefer. But whatever, i guess this isnt the issue. I suppose I will be itching, wherever i can itch, as much as i can, all my life, to keep doing, moving, wanting. I sometimes feel insatiable. Life and love are so very very funny.
Here I am wanting to get away, and here I am with more than one chance, and all i can feel is fear, and I'm worried that will keep me from it. It seems simple enough, just stop. But life has a way of taking you capitve, and Im not sure that it's always a bad thing. I wish i could define the way things happen and for what reason, but then again, that would take away the mystery, the je ne sais quoi...the fun. Its hard to make sense of things sometimes when you try to understand everything all at once. I waver all day every day on what and who i want. The only things I can settle on that i can grasp and be equally entranced by:

tetra chords
a circle of fifths
alliteration
cadence
chiaroscuro
and spelling.

If there ever was a word for me, its ennui.

Things that have happened and been happing and will happen, lately:
Rome was possible.
California was a long shot but im waiting to hear back.
I had all the opportunity in the world and still wanted texas.
I tried to reconcile wanting to be with someone with feeling contained.
My Halloween costume is the shit! serendipidous!
I found an old faux fur coat and started wearing it around, it looks like i killed something and it gave me a hug and stuck that way. people think its really disgusting, I think that is fantastic.
My mom gave me a jade bracelet and cameo ring set that i am in love with.
I heard a song called "dusty" and oh my freaking gawd, it changed my life, i want the blues, what the hell am i talking about i have the blues.
i relistened to a cd kisten made me and had good thoughts.
I went to florida and ate so much seafood that i became concerned about my mercury levels
i ran like hell.
my car broke and i decided i will sell it soon
had a talk with a guy in the airport about hunting and its many similarities to fishing, although ive never really done either. I kidn of fished, once, when i was 16, in a lake, in florida.
I watched way too many haunting shows for my own good and got creeped out in my house alone.
I drove down 141 throughbuckhead and noticed how on fire the trees are right now.
I took full advantage of my smart phone and started checking emails.
I shot a wedding and surprised myself.
I greatly improved my sightreading, and found a great new friend in tony stiakakis
I made a distant friend, maybe not so distant.
I got the flu and did nothing, for days...
I fishined one of the several books im reading, and realized the story is not as good as teh writing, and thought, huh, i can do this better.
I seriously put off studying for the GRE and am frantically re learning highschool math.
I budged a little and came up with a backup plan.
I asked myself, "what's the worst that could happen?"
I said to myself "I could make that" in more than one cirucumstance
I told myself "get up".