she is finite.

i cant help it if my knees knock together when i sleep, all this so that i need a pillow between them, it hurts. I cant do much about the fatigue and the ache right now caused by an inability to digest certain proteins, this body, what a piece of junk, what a piece of work, what a waste of reproductive space, what a bunch of bravado, and a fantastic machine.
Why are we so afraid of age and pain? perhaps because it is the speaker and heralder of death, reminding us of our mortality and transition. Disturbing i guess. Why is it that we are so ashamed of our emotional and physical needs? perhaps because it is proof of our fragility. it is frightening to not know, it is frightening to not be. And so some try to make sense of our potential non existence and our tendancy and threat to be such through some kind of god or gods via beleiving in the after life, by prolonging life. While, others just tease it with a sweet sensed disregard for caution that rivals vengance as if to say, damn you for making me this way, I will prove my fearlessness. I have never claimed to be fearless, im afraid all the time really, but i do have an unfair amount of courage than should be given to one person. For this reason, i cant help but find good things, although it may bring me through bad, i dont mind. ive always been kind of tease anyway.

another year done. almost.
heres to many more.

a cafe corretto raised to all of you, wherever you are, with whoever you are, take a deep long savory swig of something and tell yourself "im happy" or tell yourself "im sad" just tell yourself the truth, and savor the next year of your life with the same fierce that you savor this glass, whatever it is filled with.

salute.

j

look, im all for courageous fashion efforts, im all about gaga, but some themes of clothing are not okay with me and should be outlawed. Yesterday, or the day before, i cant remember but it doesnt matter it would be equally as traumatizing, i went to juicy green with deb and sam and her friends julia and anne for some after-lunch fro yo. It was a relatively small space which suffocated me with one wardrobe atrocity after another. i really though someone was playing a joke on me and i wish i had taken a picture. now the lineup, respectivley: first, athletic wear girl in an itsy bitsy demin neon green tennis skirt with pleats and nikes. Then, tacky christmas sweater lady in the corner matching her husband with a bunch of fro yo all over herself. And who could forget, miss Im gonna match rainbow plaid wool sweater with a fuzzy leopard print bag, green kahaki pants, and sneakers. at this point its official, im in hell. but lets not leave out the flip flops in winter brigade and their ever so stylish friends: the uggs and pajamas club. Unless they were dying of some winter sickness and forcefully shuttled to the fro yo shoppe, then they have no excuse. yeesh. I dont mean to be snobby, only to have standards, you cant wear pjs out, everyone else has to get dressed, nothing makes you that special. Its one thing to be differnt, its another to look like a slob, the difference is effort. There are certain things that seemingly indicate survival, but really, when cultivated surpass merely this. Like food, junk food is one thing, and for sure everyone should have access to good fair clean food, but some things that i read the ingredients on i cant comfortably put in my body, like wise, some things i cannot comfortably put on my body. Im not too good for essentials, i just realize that to treat them with respect improves the quality of life and breeds happiness. I dont mean to say that these are bad people or anything, its more for there sake, i just think that your appearance is more important that people give it credit for. Now you cant judge a person on their appearance but you can judge their self worth, pending that they have the resources, I do realize that some people in the world do not have access to good clean clothes or food, all the more reason to respect your acess to them. There is a certian respect that is involved in taking something that you must do for survival and making it worth something. Respect for yourself and respect for your good fortune. And just to be clear, respecting yourself, your body, and your appearance is NOT at all necessarily expensive, it does not require an excess of money, only consideration. Its just, anything worth doing is worth doing well, this is not selfishness or excess, it is health and it is care. I just think that without the need to strive to ensure quality and to seek beauty and revolution and novelty, then we have nothing but survival, and honestly, without beauty and intricacy id rather not survive. What is the world without a perfect creme brulee, and chanel and art museums, what is life without wonder? Its not snobbery, its excellence, excellence that dictates and feeds every desire to be better that will ever exist beyond it. It makes being human worth it i think.

That being said.

i love you all.

j

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqzUI1ihfpk

oh my gawd, so funny

holy crap i took half a nyquil dose to try to get some rest when i couldnt go back to sleep and ended up sleeping until 4 pm. waste. of. space. today haha.

anywho, lots to blog about, im on it later.

update

clicking my heels together...i wish it was summer, i wish it was summer.

so, heres an actual update on my life since most of the time im just ranting.
im going to visit emmie in dc soon with sean! should be a good time :)

okay after that im seriously going to busy what with christmas and all the awesome visitors that are going on(miss burch that means you!)

ill be in texas breifly in january but then after that ill be gone for a while.
Im getting nervous about china as well, but sometimes excited too.
basically i have about a million decisions to make about life after china.

im still not really sure if i want to go to graduate school but im going to wait to hear from everyone before i make a decision. The alternative is this portfolio school that ive actually gotten really excited about. Creativecircus.com if anyone is interested. Leigh is going too so thats kinda cool, also its just down the road so i wouldnt have to worry about transportation or somewhere to live, at least not too in depth.

basically all things financial are going down at the moment, but its hard to focus on that when im not sure when or where im going to be.

im thinking of selling my car and also ive developed and unhealthy interest in lady gaga for some reason.

ive been wanting to create lately but am so restless i cant, i havent been sleeping much and when i do its very erradic. my knee has been acting up a little so i havent run as much, but i swear ill shove myself off to run once the rain subsides. :)

im always cold, hate the rain, usually seek good conversation, and i miss all of you.

busy busy

flight(s): booked.

gotta go now.

dc to atl to dfw to chicago to shanghai to hong kong and then back to dfw for some much needed summer.

if i can get Thailand in there then im golden, but who knows.
yeesh this is gonna be busy. wonder where ill be in the fall? as of now, either virgina highlands or denton. i love to move around, but i cant wait to settle somewhere again.

j