love from vienna

sometimes,

you realize how much you love somebody,

and you will do some crazy shit to get to them,

as fast as humanly possible,

just to see them at the baggage claim.

i mean crazy.

j

nobody ever really gets tired of texas

So i may or may not be allergic to diary now.

really?

okay fine, i just need to feel normal again.

in other news i did a photo shoot that could have gone way worse and didnt.

point... team jessy!

Also i can see how maybe this post my fall victim to criticism rooted in pointlessness, and so to remedy this, i give you pictures...later.

Im going to try to savor my last momets of freedom in austin with natey this weekend.

Also im going to start that master cleanse diet to try to like reset my digestive system or something, i dont know, im at my wits end with my body right now.

New roomate, new plan, yay! Lets cross our fingers that it all works out, and that i dont get lost in vienna and london or lose my mind before after or during any of it. vraiment?

Oui! Can you believe how incredibly inarticulate i become when stressed?

now for some german, I hear austria is pretty right now,

Auf Wiedersehen,

j

as of late:
lookin good de.
lookin all innocent.
looks like a i could get used to this.
looks like an a miracle
looks like home.

home. home. home.

ka-ching.

money. lets talk about it, or lets not, its so stupid.

so ya know, basically just revolving my life around money and looking forward to the day that this is not a necessity. Gettin paid for a few jobs this month and next so at least some things are lookin up but all in all, the dollar rules my life.

Im dreading going to europe but its rapidly approaching (at least im getting paid)
i have a great new collection of shoes ( yee haw!)
and and handful of people i miss on the regular.

I found a great new taco place in dallas that im actually considering using my open ticket to go to when that day comes that im sitting in atlanta and need some rusty taco ( because i know it will)

phones
doctors
school

guilt guilt guilt

sun sun sun

got a new roomate! gotta make it through june...gotta get to july, gotta go gotta rest.

Feeling a little knocked out of my shoes but somehow still knowing who i am now more than ever.

Getting fucking excited about having a room, having a goal, having "regular" things again

Having no qualms,

J

From Waco with love

How often it seems we wait around in the airspace of our lives waiting for something to materialize, waiting to need something, waiting to want something or someone. We, no, I, I just keep coming back here right?

I am Sisyphus after all.

I think its interesting that I have the capacity to revert suddenly to old bad habits at the drop of a hat.

Something about Waco that I just kind of melt in to. The air is one of two things, though Im not sure which-

assaulting, melting you in to the city like rock to magma, like bending steel with heat, bone to sweat, teeth to vapor.
Or it is acomodating, a big warm comfy couch, a pair of old boots, melancholy and charm, attractive in its humility. If anything, it really sets the stage for me to create, maybe because I already know it in that capacity, or maybe it knows me. It explains a lot, its why people like donald judd move to marfa and make installations, case and point- o'keefe and SantaFe, Dylan and New york, Cole and Waco? Is that what this place is to me? a muse?

If it is, I dont think it will be for long, I cant wait to settle somewhere again. I need to sit down, fuck i need to lay down. I need need need, want want want.

Im insatiable, Im a monster.

but so are you so whatever.

So I think, you know what? So much for trying to find life, I really think, this IS it. This is my life, and anything ive ever wanted and hoped for and havent gotten and have has been a part in that. All my journals seem to start on a bad note, a cringe, but end with something much better.

Id love to tell you Im healthy. Id like to tell you Im wealthy. Id love to say Its all happening for me everyday. But im not really any of those things in full.

I am however normal, and happy, and I am just as i always have been, Im going, and stopping when appropriate. Red light! Green light!
I think you MUST find joy in things like couches, walks, health, laughing, dancing, art, weather, sex, coffee. If you dont the world will just eat you, churn its stomach around and devour you.

I wanna cry but i cant. i wanna cry for everything that doesnt have an ending and should. The mundane and the banality, the stunning and the stalling, the loss and the gratitude, the embarassment and the elation, the fear and the brevity.

I want to cry just to punctuate things.

But i really physically cant, as stirred as I am all the time i cant. All i can do is dance to weep, create to mourn, and write to grieve. Feel feel feel you Eel.

Celebrate, grieve. And there you have it, thats all it is.

Share. you cant take it with you.

Youre born alone and you die alone and really everything you do in life you do absolutely alone, as much as you like to think you own or have anything or anyone, its not true. You get a birth and a death and thats it. And they are all yours, to have and to hold forever and ever. Everything else is just borrowed. And I, especially, am eternally and inexpressibly,grateful for the chance to have had anything at all. All of you and all of it. Every little damn bit of it.
i dont know who or what to thank for it, and so in place of hymns or conventional devotion I find some form of worship and reverance in arts. i could burst into song right here Im so fucking full, to the very 'effin brim.

Im such a little speck. A cute speck, but a speck nonetheless. A tiny little blip in the world. All I can hope for is some amount of joy, and some amount of grief from time to time. And lots, lots, lots of art.

now ya see me, now ya dont!

j

The Bare Necessities

What is it that makes me go?

Everytime i try to figure it out it just come up with the same things...

expression, as a blanket term ( art and language, which i think are synonymous)
relationships ( in their proper place, and also synonymous with expression)
health ( and cooking, which i also associate with expression)

so it seems to me pretty clear what my life is about, and yet all i can make it about this past week is money.

You cant take it with you Jie, get it together.

So I outsmarted the Adams's new-fangled coffee machine today, brewed myself a mocha, sat outside in my favorite shorts, and let wind run over me a few times and forgot about student loans for 10 minutes. It really doesn't get any fucking better than this.

If you look under the rocks and plants and take a glance at the fancy ants and maybe try a few...the bare necessities of life will come to you. Wherever i wander, wherever i roam, i couldn't be fonder of my great home, the bees are buzzin' in the trees and making honey just for me.

Forget about your worries and your strife.

Im not sure about most everything, but i know i'm somebody who has to create things to feel normal, and I know that I cant live in the convention in front of me, whatever i do, wherever i do it, its gotta be me, and it will be wildly unusual, not because i need or want it to be, but because i cant avoid it.

not fighting it,

j

Ouch, my life.

Busy is an understatement. Actually, just a little stressed. I love being near friends lately, it sort of simulates a home where I dont really have one lately. Im sort of trying to string out this vacation in europe until the end of july, but finances are sort of making it hard, im starting to think that maybe just saving all the extra cash and putting towards something practical, like my school bills this fall is a much better idea.

but whatever, you cant take it with you.

The alternative would be to have plenty of time to get all of my dough and living arrangements in order for the circus this fall. I found a roomate and a place to live, check!

Now for all the details.

Now for all the stress.

Now for all the fun.

Its good to be back, but im itching to be part of a team, part of a community, to make something again.

Also have you ever noticed how once you really depend on all the gadgets in your life they suddenly break without warning or reason? Typ.

footloose is ace, but Id like to sit down for a few minutes. Besides, im pretty good at both.

Tell me everything, tell me anything, I love you guys,

J

Hao le

My flight today is at 4 o clock, I have to say, I wont be surprised by anything that happens today, it all seems very fleeting.

I am really, really, proud of myself for sticking it out. This is honestly one of the hardest things ive ever attempted in my life with very little reward. Somehow putting myself through this has taught me a lot. One, never ever ever no kids, duh. But it has brought to light how capable i am, and how driven i am. No one will ever understand what this has been for me. Its been really fucking hard, and an eye opening experience. Maybe I am better for it, maybe I am worse, but I am, if anything, slightly different. I could just die when i think i wont see fi ever again. Gotta make that happen. I gave her a reallllyyy long hug last night before leaving her place on hengshan lu. I want to cry, but I cant, Im too tough now, its gonna take a lot more than a goodbye to scare me these days. I love her, and she is mine, my friend, forever and ever and ever and ever.

She wrote me a somewhat dorky somewhat touching poem on some cute stationary and gave it to me at dinner a long with some pictures that jogged memories i always want to have. It reads:

The girl with the red lipstick

She knows what she wants and is not afraid to get it.
Shes a diva, a gal and a trooper.
Shes a girl who believes in true love and is a red wine drinking party pooper.
You've taught me that everyday is the best day to be had, and that wheat is not all that.
Chocolate is your lifeline, shopping and your old black hat.
You are the girl with all my shanghai secrets, don't leave for too long, dont go away..
cuz in 50 years when you've done all you want, my arms will be open for you to come stay.

Cheesy. True. My favorite.

The entire time i was hugging fi by the door, my hips were faced towards it. Ive heard it said and known it to be true that what your feet and hips are directed at while doing anything is where your mind really is. I cant help but be slightly phased by what it means that while im hugging my best gal goodbye for a long time, ive got one foot out the door. What does that mean. I dont need to know right now, I dont think.

pats on back. Liquids in the checked luggage. freedom, for a bit.

see ya soon suckahs.

-j