life.

kerville, tx casey.

friends on the guadelupe

leaving kerrville
three amigos
my friend eugene, whom i let go soon
sculptor
my painting of a blueprint
necklace i bought from jewler in kerrville
perfect morning, so tired it hurts
mmm.
the last look and locked the door
party lights or celestial skybarefoot artist in the guadelupe.

mr.nelson
'rino and sizzle. love. i miss her so much

gypsy woman.
earth art, a man after my own heart.
the drag show, las coronas.
my newest paintings
'remy

cookout day, grilling corn and cactus with butter and chili powder :) mm

quiet.

its very quiet.

its very, very, quiet.

i have to grit my teeth to find rythym in here.

this is so strange, romantic even.

an empty room. empty that is except for my bed and i.

and you of course, but you're always in the room, that doesnt count.

this definately feels final.

im definately being pushed out of some kind of nest.

falling.

falling.

fly.

the past to days have been sensational.

.

It's these little moments at night that getchya.

These little meanderings that jog your memory, that make you incredibly grateful for what has happened to you, everything. Makes you bitter, makes you better, maker you wonder, and wander, and think: had things been different, had you been you and i been i somewhere else, had we known of each other sooner, had we taken it slower, had we taken it faster, had we collided ego's. Je ne sais pas.

I hear people die in threes. It makes me wonder, who are my other two. Morbid, but true. I find myself being fittingly, deathly afraid of death because i have never had to contend with something as truly nauseating as burying a good friend or relative. But i know people who have, and i know its only a matter of time before i do. It makes me nervous.

If i could go back and give you a gift a year ago, almost a year, i would. If i could go back and do things differently i would. Id give you a better gift, id give it to you on time and in time, id wrap it.

Life is cruel, and life is beautiful, and to stomach the notion that both are truth simultaneously is a great feat, and a noble one at that. And this may sustain you, and it may devour you, but you must find direction inevitably, it's unavoidable. passive is a choice. Embrace your hell or run away, either way you can only stay down for so long.

Something about myself that i would like to change, is my loyal subscription to unorthodox and modernized superstitions. No for real, it plagues me. Kirsten had a very good explanation for it but i still cant help but feel wary of changing my phone or computer wallpaper. Or saying something is good when it is.

just for the record, although this may topple it all. this is good.

This is the first time we've not lived in the same city officially and i'm having a bit of trouble adjusting to that. if your phone were more accessable i'd call you more, if you were more accessable id call you more. Also if you were a 404 i think i'd call you more.

It's 2 24 and im waking up early, and all i can seem to think about is sushi and i'm beginning to worry if eating that much raw fish in a day is bad for you? there is that family on wife swap that i recently saw that eats nothing but raw meat, so at any rate, there is always someone im doin better than. :)

anyways this is me and nothing more and nothing less and i may be on a chopping block, but i guess that is just where i am. i dont know what to do with that. i wish my family were in town, might be nice.

magnificent find today: someone was throwing out a perfectly good "wine rack" which could easily be converted into a "tea organizer" for the new roomie. PROJECT! heh.

okay for real.

buona notte.

vini e amici sonno megli vecchi.

and thas was up.

you know what's good? that crackly sound on a record for two or three seconds right  before the music comes in. mm i love that sound, it sounds like a warm tone.

moving day

movin' out, boxin' away, sad day but still satisfying in a weird benevolent way. like a job well done or something. anyways, in keeping with deandre's idea of a picture a day, this is my effort...

so glad this girl moved in this year.

and i love that she was packing in that hat.

the realistically perfect day

my idea of a perfect day. I will make this happen soon

wake up with devendra banhart playing "chinese children"...smell the daisies in my room put on my favorite work out clothes...1.the green shirt with the pocket

      2. the slightly baggy black running shorts

      3.purple sports bra, hair up, the mismatched socks cuz my left needs more cushion than my right, and a crazy amount of energy from a good nights sleep.

next...running in 78 degrees..sahhhhwett. bear trail twice...jump in the bp2 pool, run home damp.

shower, shave, lunch at teriyaki park....spicy salmon roll mmmmmmmmmmm

home.

pack up memories..while listening to m.i.a.

put together new outfit. killer.

finish my scheduele for the summer.

start new painting.

call seany and d.

party hardy.

sleep past midnight.

do it again.

i hope this happens soon.

the first time i looked you in the face i fell on the floor. It had been a really long time, we had known each other forever, i never looked in the face.

Thinking back on it i'm not sure i can even validate or describe what I saw.

Ojos.

your eyes were like, like these orbs. Glassy and pale pale verde.

Drunk? maybe. 

honest? yes

tired? absolutely

very tired

very sweet

They were so precious, they looked like if i plucked them out that they would kept in a velvet box with gold dipped metal work encasing it. And then put on some kind of a shelf with flood lights in an upper middle class home.

they have been the best plague lately.

Maybe i'm imagining things, in all honesty i was not the most sober person in the room.

But that little snip of a few seconds has been the catalyst for so much, i just cant put it down.

It was a pretty little death though, i suppose. Quiet and consuming.

Honestly im not worreid about the benefits, it just feels so good all the time.

at a distance, quiet, still, non existent. still.

i miss the orbs anyway.

at any rate, you certainly have an interesting point of view.

sweet, soft, consuming.

It grew up through a tree and stopped at the ceiling, maybe i kept going. Staccato. 

Oh yeah, it was staccato.

i just fell i love with devendra banhart.

crash.

my walls are slowly crumbling i think.

other's a built back up.

It feels good to be vulnerable though.

good in a scary way.

I hope you guys all know how much i love all of you.

no really,

i love you.

I dont know when it happened.

I dont know why i let it,

but i do.

viciously. 

the things ive come to love the most are the things that ive hung on to without reason, the things that i didnt think anything would come of, life always takes me by surprise. Its just impossible to avoid i think.

j

i've done the run around.

I've had someone to know

someone to leave

and someone to talk to 

i want someone to love.

to build with.

to seep into.

to change with.

to explore with.

to hear.

one more project to go.

crazy scheduele.

unclear future.

one potential roomie down.... a million differnt ways to go.

i need a sign.

pleaseeeeeeee, gimme a sign. i'm going to gently suggest that it is sooner rather than later.

also let it be noted that there is nothing i find more attrac

tive than watching someone smile. Its just ridiculous what that does to me.

gah.

:) ps i miss this girl.

winking blinking and nod

okay..

get it together. choose something.

take the winking and blinking...take the nod into account, and choose.

should be an easy week school wise after today and my carolee schneemann paper whom you guys should wiki because she is really interesting.

to lake jackson and beyond..do do do doooooooo!

ugh

why is it that when you try to be vulnerable you just end up looking stupid?

yeesh.

lunch.