I've been here before. Only i wasn't as aware of it. My feet used to take the same route when they were half the size they are now. I remember the road, but I've gotten so old, I cant be sure that the road remembers me.
People often comment on how i run too much. Which im sure is true because ive worn out my hip and both feet doing it and so ive forced myself to slow down. But what many of my friends dont know is that running is not just a way to stay healthy, It's also very spiritual for me. Because, becauase it's steady and quiet and repeating, like a meditation, and hard. My Ipod broke which is probably the best thing that has happened to me lately. Dont get me wrong i love my deary departed Ipod, but it has forced me to run in silence, It is so nice. I can hear my breathing and sense my weight shifting from left right under neath me, like the road is a scale. I remember thinking it was so far from the pool to my block when i was little. My sister and I used to walk together in the summer, and one day i threw a fit in front of all her highschool friends becuase i was so overwhelmed at how far it was i started crying and sat down. I would give my eight year old self a good talking to now. I hope, I will make certian, that i will never again sit down and cry because something looks too overwhelming. I may cry, I may sit, but only with intention of stopping and getting back up.
Did you know mushrooms gro in circles? Well at least, I assume they do, either that or andy goldsworthy has been chillin on my block if ya know what i mean. I was running today and...yeesh, that preface, It seems anytime Im talking about anythign these days it preface it with "I was running and..." Its become a fixture, like.."e tu brute?" or "and then i foudn five dollars.." anyways
I was running and....I saw a magnolia bud, which is unusual for this time of year but i picked, yeah, i did it, sue me. I ran with it in the rain cradled like an infant. It must have looked strange. Everything here is so lush right now. It has been raining for a week and half straight. Metro atlanta is flooding, its crazy. Luckily I'm on high ground naturally. Anyways the rents are in florida soaking up the sunshine and Im here worrying, worrying but not sitting. And although this is one of the most unstable times in my life, It is also the most peaceful. In fact, I think this is the most peaceful i can ever remember feeling, and yet, here I am longing to get out.
All of the southern in me is surfacing suddenly. God, something about the smell of that magnolia in my room. It makes me miss I mom and I dad. It is the most wonderful smell. The smells of home are what i miss the most. And the sound of the storm drains righ now outside the shutters. And that other smell that i cant put my finger on that is so assaultingly associated with fall. Its like the smell of outdoors, or crisp, sort of like bacon but not unlike soil or campfire. Its very hard to describe, I just know it when i sniff it, and is strong associated with my memory and identity here, as is teh magnolia. If I dad were here, he would say somehting like "what's its name? how about maggie!" "maggie idad?" "yeah, maggie nolia"
he always did have a great sense of humor.
I suppose i should apologize for being inchoherent but Im not going to.