I wish i could take you there

I wish you were here. I wish i could put you on that terrace with me and we could sit there are all weekend, and shoot the breeze, and drink and drink and eat and be merry.

I wish it was like that right now.
I wish i had more control of it, but i suppose i appreciate that i dont, it makes those moments better i guess.

Wishes, what are those anyways? But I still wish it fish.

I keep thinking that one day I can do exactly what i want, get exactly what i live for .

But what i live for is totally something that cant be controlled, and thats maybe sad, and maybe strange, but its certainly special.

All i really live for, are those moments, those moments like the one with fi. Where youre on a terrace, or a parking lot, or dock making out, Or whatever, in you parents house in the basement. Just those places, those little pockets in life that suddenly reveal themselves to you, without warning, indiscriminately.
Theres no telling when then will come, but they always do. And i always ache for loss of the last one and the yearn for the next one.

Im just addicted to these 5 minute to hour long pockets of my life that i keep discovering, where there is very little distance between myself and someone, without warning, without reason, and I am so incredibly at peace with everything. I could die in that moment, and really, it would be fine.

I wish i could even try to convey but theres just no way,

theres no way,

-me

Mei you qian

My Chinese is better than ever.

My nerve is wobblier than ever.

My wallet is dwindling faster than ever.

But thats just today in'it? Its just everday, and I'm happy, right now, im happy.

But honestly, Ive never been so sad to leave a person, i cant stand the thought of not having Fi around, and i suspect that my feeling is returned, but not to the extent that im giving it out.

Bought a new journal today on Taikang lu, the best place in shanghai, period. I cant beleive I waited this long to prowl around that area, its just fantastic.
I went to dinner with fi after and got midnight breakfast, with cappuccino of course.

My first entry reads:

Tai kang lu with Fi
Salad
cappuccino
7 days
go.

A fresh new set of pages to make a mess of, because there is just no way to convey.

I love you Fi

- Wo3

Bu yao ku

i cant figure out why but i just feel sad. Wait. no. scratch that. not sad just really emotional suddenly. It started about three weeks ago and its just been getting stronger. Like i just feel as if ive been too happy for too long or something and all my tears are just welling up trying to break free.

I was on the subway the other day and a song came on that i was really into, nothing like "memories" or "on my own" or "wind beneath my wings" or anything like that. Just a song with a beat. But it was just like, the perfect line over a perfect beat and this synthesis was happening in my body and my ears and my brain and my insides and and i totally started sniffling on the subway. alone. with my ipod in. Oh my god it was really embarrassing, you have no idea.

But stuff like this has been happening all over my life lately! And i swear to god i almost cried at the hannah montana song at the end of the disney movie i was watching with natlie. I can put it in its compartment usually, i mean, im not really that type of person that lets their unsolicited emotions bleed into the other sections of their life unnecessarily. But tonight i really cant get it off my mind. Its just everything all at once.

The constant moving with very little stability, and yet the thought that i may lose that. Worry for everyone around me, family, friends. Ache for the loss of fi, and what could be. The feeling like im doing something wrong in leaving here. The intense need to create something since January or so. Honestly, the fear of debt. The fear of not wanted what i think i should. The fear of failing at whatever it is i end up doing. I dont know why i put this pressure on myself though, really, as per my standards, it will be very hard for me to fail in life because all i ask i health and happiness to the best of my ability. However, the pressure to use the time i have sometimes does get the better of me, and I wind up here.

In this nook, this crack, this small little dark space in cyberspace with a bit of illustration that can give me some idea of what my life looks like in text. It guides and aids and surprises me to read and write here sometimes.

So basically, here is the plan.
Try to have as ace of a week and half as i can here(trying to ignore my monetary situation)
Watch a sad movie tonight and try to just let the crying fly, in the hopes that i can reach some sort of cathartic state.

Ayi kao su wo bu yao ku, danshe, wo xu yao, he wo zai ku xianzi, Shi hern hao.

-wo3

I heart lists.

So Ive been trying to do all the things ive been wanted to do in china that havent yet this week. So far ive gotten to shopping on shanxxi, next shopping on tai kang, and today i went to lu jia zui for lunch and then walked the bund for some scenery. Now i just want to go up in Jin mao or the world financial center, and possibly dine one last sushi dinner. After a few pics I decided I was ready to head back and I started thinking about what life is gonna be like when i get back. And i made a list, duh...

things I will miss about Shanghai:
Fi
Ben
Soul dancing classes on julu
Dancing in general, reggae night at shelter
Not paying rent
Reverting to mandarin in sticky situations
Cheap everything
Tang Yuan
This countries preoccupation with massage and healing
Element fresh
Being closer to all things tropical
Swanky hotels
The buzz of the city
The metro ( i love this one, with the exception of rush hour)

Things i wont miss:
being responsible for a child and all that entails
People who gag an releive themselves all over the street
people who think its okay to push me and touch me in any way when speaking to me
the general disregard for vocal volume
sparkly clothes, floral clothes, clothes with bows, ugly heels
rice
msg
unidentified meat objects in assorted variety
dirty tap

Things im looking forward to:
Whole foods and cooking again
Seeing youz guyz
Texas heat and swimming
using colloquialisms comfortably
speaking sloppy english
not being considered or called fat
forming queues to get places

Things im not looking forward to:
my life without fi
being poor again
borrowing money
readjusting
dealing with everything i started six months ago and now have to sort out

get it together jie.

If i start digging now, I should see you guys by thursday of next week.

see ya on the flip side...

Kuai dao le.

Almost done. I have about 12 days left in Asia assuming nothing radical changes in the next week and half. Then im in Texas for a bit, then Vienna, then London, final destination Atlanta....assuming nothing radical changes between now and then. Ive kind of just been on this strange moment to moment thing in asia for the last month where everything seems to be happening at once, which is fantastic but overwhelming. I could do anything if i try hard enough, so really i just need to know what it is that i want to do. I know i dont really want to go back to Atlanta, but i feel like the time i plan to spend there over the next two years is an investment in a lot of ways. Financially, and relationally. You'd think that after being everywhere I'd be tired of it, ready to settle, aching for all things stationary. Im not, its just the opposite, I feel ignited, I feel like ive just begun, and i feel lucky to do anything im doing. Really, it could all end tomorrow, so Im glad im pushing myself, but I think I am aware more than anyone I know of how fleeting everything in life is. I can definitely live with that, but it effects how i live. There is so much to do in so little time, but really, there is no fucking point in going to the Colosseum or the great wall or even to lunch in the southeast u.s. five blocks down the road if there is no one to bitch laugh eat and drink with. Thats my story.

Fi and I went out dancing the other night, i dont think either of realized how sleep deprived we were because after sharing a bottle of weak red wine we were both drunky. I know this because there was a point in the night where Fi, Ben, and I were practicing lifts in a bar, and Im pretty sure we whacked people around us. I mean were dancers, but were not that starved for practice time, this wasnt the time or place. Whatever it was hella fun. I actually have a lot of bruises on my leg from what i can only assume was the lifts and impromptu splits on the hardwood. After this we went to Shelter for reggae night and dancing our ever lovin asses offfff, i mean offf, sweat everywhere. It was amazing. I got about fours hours of sleep that night. Around 4 am i went to lawsons and got nast sushi and a chocolate dove bar with hazlenuts and ate them in cab back to pudong. Oy. Such is life.

Natlie wrote a song the other night that i about peed my pants listening to. She first looked at me with all seriousness from across the room...

"what are you doing mei?"
"american idol"
"oh really? cool, what are you singing?"
"a very sad song"
"whats it called?"
"The cat has a black eye"

Around the fifth or so verse of "the cat has a black eye" a la Les Miserables soloists melodies, I realized how ridiculous she is, in every sense of the word. There is not much she does that surprises me, but somehow this song really. really. really. got me tickled. And i have to say the ending lyric really summed it up perfectly

"and i dont care about it at all"

"9.5 mei!"

I really dont know where Im gonna be or whats gonna happen to me. Its teasing my nerves, but All i can ask is that whatever it is....miserable or not, that Im in good company.

In good company,

Jie Xi

and now for your viewing pleasure, a little video i like to call...A tuna loses its head it tokyo, it was much cooler in person i swear.

I just wanna do everything, its really bad.

everything.

-wo

listing

wow its been a while, im not sure i really have the mental energy right now to say anything insightful or interesting so in lieu of it, i will just make a list to document what has happened this month.

phase one:

Went to Hangzhou with mei mei and portia and shushou. It was gorgeous, but mostly because we stayed at a resort, with comfy expensive things. Still, i rather enjoyed it.

phase two:

When i got back from Hangzhou MORGAN SUDER was in town!!! and it was awesome!!!! She introduced me to her friend from way back when, Thomas, who also lives here. He was awesome. One night portia natlie morgan and I went to dinner at M on the Bund, which was amazing, and i realized how much i love having great women as company. And they all are, really exceptional women, really.

phase three:

Morgan, Thomas and I went to Tokyo for a couple of days, we did great things in a short amount of time for not too much cash ( although tokyo is wicked expensive) including a day trip to mount fuji (which wasn't visible because of fog but still a gorgeous trip) We saw some sumo wrestling which was really lucky because it only happens three times a year and we were lucky enough to catch the tail end of it. But the highlight of the trip was the tuna auction at the fish market. We got up at 4 am to get there at around 5. There is not way to describe the auction without putting in more rhetorical effort, so instead, i will save that story for later, and post a video of it later, and just have you know that the sushi i ate at the fish market in tokyo has changed my outlook on life...one bite of that fresh ahi..and you can see through time. Oh yea we also ate at the restaurant in kill bill (where there is that huge fight scene) the first night we got there, dont worry, pictures to come. I ended up having a wicked reaction to something i ate but still lovin it.

phase four:

Its amazing how much a value my friends, it just ridiculous, morgan is a very special person to me, and now, Thomas too. Everyone has something to offer, you just have to look for it. Travel is fantastic, it always teaches me something about myself that i didnt know, the same can be said of Mo, who pushes you, even when you dont ask to be pushed. I only hope i can push back accordingly. Some people make you feel like you really can get things done. Without her, i would not be me. When i left Mo and Thomas for the airport i was gloomy about it but also excited because it was on to hong kong to meet portia and natlie! holy cow...that city...is just...wow, beautiful and expensive. The type of place im moving when im rich and famous. done.

phase five:

Back to shanghai. Left to do: Tai kang lu, shopping, save money whenever possible, love love love fiona for two weeks straight, Go to the expo, try not to freak out about my personal life.

places left to see( in no particular order and not exclusively):
Morocco, Egypt, Anywhere in south America, Amsterdam( cant beleive i havent done this one yet) India, bora bora, Australia, Indonesia, Korea, southern France, Israel, Thailand, the grand canyon. One day...

Dont worry, dont hurry, trust the process.

aye oh.

J.

I want it.

Its true that nothing we really do actually means anything in the grand scheme of things, its all relative and who am i to you and to him and to her and to anyone or anything really. Nothing really matters at all, in the context of what "matters" means anyhow.

I am not a pipe.

But we have to live in the microcosm that we call "ours" using the sounds we call "language" by the matter we call "food" We just have to. must. have to. So nothing really means anything, so what? Its true that everyone has some grasp of the feeling of "who the hell am i that i can really make a definitive statement about anything or anyone"

It is also true that at some point you have to make yourself a god, you have to record and rerecord and revise and sing blues and put a beat to it, and express for all that you have because this is the most powerful thing we can do, is to relate.

Cee lo green has to belt it somewhere in a studio in atlanta because he needs to. Becuase somebody somehwere must get paid. Because soembody somewhere told him to. Because he has to assume that he is a deity for those seconds, it must be done. Because someone in china needs to hear him scream that he's crazy over a cherry blossom, and because it has to keep moving. It just has to. so there.

ripple.ripple.ripple.
effect.

Everyone is just fucking around trying to find what "it" is anyways.

"I found it! Its Bhudda!"
"No i found it! its jeruselem!"
"NO NO NO its art!"
"its science!"
"its me!"
"its food!"
"its survival!"
"It isnt!"
"it is!"


I think "it" is just futile, because there is no map. There is no fucking map, just do what you like, find beauty in it.

I think people are largely dissatisfied with "it" because they think It is supposed to be something in particular, like they are supposed to have a manual that they somehow didnt receive. It is. It isn't. It's everything.

Here it is, enjoy it or dont enjoy it or throw it away or whine about it, but here it is, its all yours.

And you can do whatever the hell you want with it. Thank goodness!

Were so in it, happy trails.

j.
i see you mei mei... ga ma? xiao xiao pengyuo hern piao liang.