Bu yao ku

i cant figure out why but i just feel sad. Wait. no. scratch that. not sad just really emotional suddenly. It started about three weeks ago and its just been getting stronger. Like i just feel as if ive been too happy for too long or something and all my tears are just welling up trying to break free.

I was on the subway the other day and a song came on that i was really into, nothing like "memories" or "on my own" or "wind beneath my wings" or anything like that. Just a song with a beat. But it was just like, the perfect line over a perfect beat and this synthesis was happening in my body and my ears and my brain and my insides and and i totally started sniffling on the subway. alone. with my ipod in. Oh my god it was really embarrassing, you have no idea.

But stuff like this has been happening all over my life lately! And i swear to god i almost cried at the hannah montana song at the end of the disney movie i was watching with natlie. I can put it in its compartment usually, i mean, im not really that type of person that lets their unsolicited emotions bleed into the other sections of their life unnecessarily. But tonight i really cant get it off my mind. Its just everything all at once.

The constant moving with very little stability, and yet the thought that i may lose that. Worry for everyone around me, family, friends. Ache for the loss of fi, and what could be. The feeling like im doing something wrong in leaving here. The intense need to create something since January or so. Honestly, the fear of debt. The fear of not wanted what i think i should. The fear of failing at whatever it is i end up doing. I dont know why i put this pressure on myself though, really, as per my standards, it will be very hard for me to fail in life because all i ask i health and happiness to the best of my ability. However, the pressure to use the time i have sometimes does get the better of me, and I wind up here.

In this nook, this crack, this small little dark space in cyberspace with a bit of illustration that can give me some idea of what my life looks like in text. It guides and aids and surprises me to read and write here sometimes.

So basically, here is the plan.
Try to have as ace of a week and half as i can here(trying to ignore my monetary situation)
Watch a sad movie tonight and try to just let the crying fly, in the hopes that i can reach some sort of cathartic state.

Ayi kao su wo bu yao ku, danshe, wo xu yao, he wo zai ku xianzi, Shi hern hao.

-wo3