by they by....

..i fell in love with a decaying magnolia pod today. here it is....feel free to click and lick up the nuance, i love this thing, not to mention i climbed an awesome tree for it. I hope this is the spark for a whole new catalog of works. muahahaha

also if anyone is free there is a showing of my digital works in the atrium tmrw from 5-7 along with photo one and two peoples.

whoop!

i need a scanner asap.

i wanna make stuffs.

also i loved my dinner group today :)

people like me.

i went to a concert and listened to an oscillation.

I watched a  man in front of me listen too.

I watched him glance at his sister and i watched him stroke the base of his wife's neck.

And i was jealous. I was jealous because they had a purpose and a plan.

They had something sacred.

Love is sacred, i'm not sure if i believe in miracles but if I did then love would definately be one.

Nothing is ever what it seems, and nothing ever works out the way you think it will.

And everything that i hold dear to me now i never thought I would.

And more than ever I'm feeling alone and uncertain.

I want so many things, i dont want to fail.

I want to pursue the things that I am preoccupied with.

I'm preoccupied with leaves that a perfectly symmetrical, and vines that are pulled into an ellipse.

And my biggest fear is that the world chew up and spit out people like me.

So here's what i will look into in austin this next year while applying to grad school:

art therapy

art museums

teaching

galleries

thas all i got so far. blah. hopefully mer bear and i will live together. yeesh, i just want a break.I feel hellaciously vulnerable.

push, pull.

so many decisions, so much change.

im trying to contend with it all. All the while struggling to love a handful of people, and brooding over the fact that i have to leave them. It isnt fair that we find people we want to love only to have them ripped away. Its true.

This change is uncomfortable and so terrifying.

I have to ask myself a few questions on the brink of graduation. But it's not as easy as it used to be. I have more than one answer, more than one option, and more than a few fears that i just wont choose the right one. 

Mostly what I'm afraid of being alone.

I just dont want to fail is what it comes down to, even though i realize that failure is a part of success.

I can't come to grips with the fact that the soft underbelly of pride will be exposed at least for the next year. I suppose i just don't know what i am up against, and that is exciting, but its just petrifying.

What am I so afraid of? I dont know. I remember feeling this way upon highschool graduation, but so much less intensely, because i had a plan. 

Well, i have an idea for a plan now, but no matter what i do i'm letting someone else down, at some point i just have to do what i want i suppose, and i just have to hang on to who and what i love with a death grip. I just want to be happy and productive, really, its that simple. Oh and one more thing, i dont want to let anyone down.

Here come the W's. The questions now extend beyond just what do i want to be when i grow up. 

Where do you want to go?

Who do you want to be?

What do you want to do?

Who do you want to love?

Why do you want to live?

When is a good time to act?

How much am I leaving to chance?

Who am i letting down, who am i hurting?

What now?

And the W's just keep circling in my own voice over to my life more and more frequently until it's 24/7. rashafrashle. 

It's all those damn W's.

 Eff the W's.

Today Jess and I went running, and on warm days, we usually jump in the pool, but today was cold and rainy and did not at all seem suited for after-workout swimming. But she made me. I knew it would be could, i knew it would be uncomfortable, i knew i would jump immediately out, but i did it. I just sucked it up and did it. I grabbed the nearest human and jumped, and that human jumped right with me. And a certain amount of trust was demonstrated. "if you jump i jump" I couldnt help but notice how much it resembles my life right now. Just keep pushing, just keep chasing after what makes you uncomfortable, just throw yourself face first into the cold. learn. chase. work. change.

I dun wanna butta gotta.

Its funny i should be having conversations lately about things that are stationary versus things that chase after you. Moving yourself without asking or wanting to be moved, is something worth studying i think.

I need to take all my life lessons from Andy Goldsworthy, i swear that guy has life figured out. I should date him. I wonder how old he is? Frick i dont even care, we would be perfect for each other...oh my gawd..or jasper johns, jasper johns and i are destined. It must be nice to date an artist. Everyone should love an artist at least once in their life, their hands treat matter differently than most people, they have incredible control over their extremities.

yeah I'm gonna wiki him.

d.

oh, take my hand sweet, complete your release

unbury your feet, and married we'll be

alone in receiving, ours is a feeling not that they would see

They dont know that we could be down where your cradle escaped the sea

and your raven haired mama told you so

Were  hanging on the shadow of your family tree

your haunted heart and me.

brought down by an old idea whose time has come.

And in the shadow of the gallows of your family tree

there's a hundred hearts soar free

pumping blood to the roots of evil to keep it young.

-because this is a great album.

ps. read the fountainhead

heart

jeremy

yeah so.

yeah so the show went off without a hitch. I think things are wrapping up, or they're just beginning, who knows. It was nice to be around a bunch of friends anyway, it was almost like a threw a party without any of the effort, in the party planning sense anyways haha.

Besides that...i have another portfolio presentation on may 1st of my digital works, gah, that is gonna take me allll week. Hopefully i can pull that one out of thin air. 

I never realized how nervous i would be displaying myself so willingly at the mercy of my peers, it was somewhat liberating.

and still in all this, i feel conflicted, the future is so uncertain and that is so good, and that is so freightening. The world is my oyster, why does that sound so much more intimidating than it did four years ago. Maybe because now i'm tied. Maybe because now my heart is invested in things that are uncertain. Constant nervousness, constant willingness, constant fever. 

i have such a yearning for good conversation.

crap...i have to go...

more later.