water weight.

Today Im moving out the last of my things from the northside to morningside. I love that name, its a great name for a street, it sounds so cheerful. I cant wait to address things "dearest you, updates on my life, love me, at morningside, morningside, morningside" terrific.
And while it all seems terrific for the time being, Im still a bit unsettled, and maybe this is because im barely here at all, and so i cant be comfortable. My mind is in the mountains and my feet are in the ocean somewhere, and my heart is always elsewhere.
Perhaps one of the stranger things about life, and the most glorious, is one's scarce ability to appreciate things for the time that they are happening in.
When i am traveling, i wish for a home, and when im at "home" i wish to be gone. Maybe its just me, or just the age old Sisyphean problem of displacement, and to some degree insatiability.

Today i just layed in the sun, because whatever comes at me the sun always comes with me. Its like the riches of the earth, the resource i constant seek, most needed, more than touch, more than water.
It began to rain. all over. I slung my magazine underneath the umbrella and before running for cover took a deep breath and looked up. "oh wait." i thought "im waterproof" So i just sat there, and sat there, and sat and sat, and eventually the sun came back from behind its cloud cover. A miserable little game of hide and seek. And it was pouring, but blindingly sunny at the same time. And i somehow came out of the breath i had been holding, a bit new, and bit fainter. And I thought, maybe i dont have to choose.

And i dont want to choose. Day to day is too delicious to not try everything you can.

And while my current situation, and trepidations that i may have somehow, gasp, made a mistake in moving back here undermine my ability to get up and run these days. Im starting to realize that all we get is this life, and to not use it to the best of our ability in every way is such a waste, its such a fucking waste. For me that involves a few things i could try to list off the top of my head.

I have to exist here, in this time, in this place, with these factors. I can choose to manipulate them but i must work within them, there is no way around it.

I'm thinking...Why am I obsessing about all of the stupid things im obsessing about? I've slowly dropped most of the baggage, piece by peice through my early adulthood. A hangup here, a Louis there. There goes my wallet just now, out the window tumbling itself down the track out of view now, at the mercy of this trains velocity and its own violent trajectory.

I just figure, if no one is getting hired here, and I want to travel anyways, and i can go to school for practically free overseas, then what the white bread am i doing here?

And if i want to sail the world and i can go, now, free of charge, free of worry, free of ailment, then why am i not there by now!?!? Picasso was picasso by 23, and Newton had discovered and invented things and Beethoven composed and Frida had affairs and Judas doubted! and i have done a third of these things in three lifetimes of some people! Its like, i can plan to go ya know, but i mean, a lot can happen in two to three years. What if i lose a leg, what if i die? I may not even make it to that year I plan to go. Im itching to act right now, with purpose, without fear of loss. Sin temor de perdida. And something keeps pulling me on through the bread line. And here I am.

left, right, left, right.

I suppose i just didn't expect to be back here.

I'm waterproof,

-j