wobbly, whatever.

I dont think, im ever going to have a lot of money. I would love to, but i dont think im gonna.

There are times when i sit around and my mind isnt occupied and i think of everything ive been able to do and everyone ive been able to meet and all the life ive had to live and i feel incredibly and infinitely lucky.

And i suppose everyone has moments, no, wait, i know, i know that everyone has moments where they let the phrase "what is wrong with me!?" circle around somewhere in the space that isnt occupied.

I love to adjust and i love newness. Im just very worried that ive stopped, ive chosen to stop by coming here. I just honestly dont know what is going to happen to me. While that is so often exhilorating for me, its a bit tiring right now.

How do i exist outside of where i come from? Who am i absent from my friends? And What do I want out of life?

I want too much. All the time.

I feel cursed but not sorry for it. I feel like i will never be satiated. Thats a good thing right?

Cosmic ADD...or something. Ive been able to stick with so few things in my life long enough to seep into them and let them seep back. I am so often saturated by people and things that i love, but there is that bit of hesitance always. Not to say that i am regretful of it or unhappy because of it, Im just aware now. Maybe everyone is like this now a days?

Maybe you shouldn't wash your dirty laundry in public, you probably shouldnt work out your deepest qualms over public forums, But ive never really done anything the right angle way so here I am. Besides, our struggles make us who we are just as much as our triumphs. So here is this part of me. I think maybe if i can just be more vulnerable in that way, then I can be more frank with myself about what i need. And then i can move on more directly.

On the cleaner side.... I feel ready to work hard. I feel hopeful about this thing in atlanta. Im excited about running again and Im loving everyone around me right now. Also I got a new place and new roomie that is basically the best thing ever! fantastic location and rent! looking forward to some memories.

I mean am I alone in bitching about aimlessness?

Is anybody elses nerve a bit wobbly right now?

Im pretty certain of it.

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. Maybe I will grow old and afflicted early, but you're only as young as the last time you changed your mind. The only thing i dont want to be, is the same.

-j