it gets hard sometimes to accept that im not yours anymore. but you will always be my best friend. Anyone can be passionate, it takes real lovers to be silly. I hope you are wherever i am in a year darling. You have been the great love in my life thus far. 

...

i feel very, very alone.

jenn is playing the cure.

i revel in my pajamas.

thinking of better days.

thinking of better things.

worried as all get out.

feeling.

misunderstood.

stifled.

flailing.

still.

He would probably wear glasses. Be able to sing, wear ties on occasion, and enjoy dinner in bed. listen to me read out loud, speak his mind, and be a challenge. Have an affinity for ochre, and a specific pair of shoes. Doesnt feel obligated, and we would talk each other to sleep.

She would love color, have teeth like diamonds and move like paint drips slowly down a canvas. Vertical and meandering. Eyes like orbs, handles like a kitchen knife, precision and mystery. She would hold me like she holds herself, she would know me like she knows herself, she would have intuition like no other, and fan her fabulous fingers across the bumpy hills of my hips, and hold them like she holds herself. Always searching for the sublime.

I used to be really afraid of deconstruction i wanted to control everything. Now i thrive on it.

not so hot

chris died today. Im shocked. And i feel for my sisters. Hard times. My dad called me today though, it reminded me how much i love him.

you are so g-d beautiful. I wish i knew who she was, i wish i knew if she loved me back, i wish i knew the way to part the waters of oil with my fingers through her lovely, lovely hair.

Im glad no one can hear me. Teetering on the edge of vulnerability and secrecy.

She walks, she walks, she walks.

she runs she runs.

she moves she moves she moves so slow.

She peels away the cotton that swallows her, she pivots pivots pivots.

step lightly into a vat of water, cover yourself in oxygen, taste the soap, drown yourself.

Wish that i was with you, id gladly swim in your filth, the dirt that once hugged your skin,

I feel clean with you.

exhilarated,

dried.

Comb your black teeth softly through the waves and bring them back again so that i may become them.

And then rest, rest, rest, little darling.

rest in me, rest on me,

just rest.

sleep.

deep.

sudden.

I sometimes wish you were here to tangle and untangle things with me, for hours.

im mikey..i rock.

do you ever meet such cool people that you wonder why they even want to hang out with you? I recently met a guy who is a contest winning people wooing audience pleasing honest to goodness nice guy. I swear to god i keep thinking he's going to call me one day and say something like "psych! i dont actually think youre cool ive just been conducting a social experiment" anyways, this is guy defeys human capabilities i think. Damn those people that are good at everything and cool to boot. 

Ps. i got to thinking about valentines day...and why i felt so crappy about it this year. then i realized, this is one of the first times vday has rolled around that i have actually felt alone. i mean, i have good friends, and ill always have that, if im lucky, but i dated the same guy forever, and although vday usually sucked at least it sucked together, and before that it was highschool crap, which i didnt really adhere to, and last year when i was single i was in europe with my 7 other fabulous single freinds with no class the next day, needless to say we were more than occupado. This year, im alone, really, alone. Its hard to swallow. Not that i need someone to fawn over me or anything, but it is nice to spend the day with someone you at least have a little bit of a something for. Its kind of like a get out jail free card or something. "hey be my valentine" it doesnt mean you have to love me, it doesnt really even mean you have to like me, but you have to at least have thought of me naked on one occasion...or something like that. And really, most vday dates dont really turn into anything, but it would just be nice to have a picnic or something. well, its cold i guess, scratch the pic nic, add....mmm my record player and a glass of wine. bliss.

and remember...love is a four letter word.

happy vday kids, use a condom.

beef in the jeans shes wearin'...im hooked anicantstopstarin!

anways, sir mix a lot aside. today was a good day. i didnt finsih everything i wanted to do but i did get to see good freinds. and i did get to record some great videos on people's facebook walls all day, which really is alot more theraputic than one realizes. I was really goofy today. Sometimes you just dont know what gets into you ya know. actually, i know exactly what got into me, too much coffee and soda, too much free time, pent up energy from not running, and having no where to go but up. All in all, it was a success i think. I still miss you though.

I never realized how much resolve wearing bright red lipstick grants me, tomorrow i will wear all black, and lipstick. And on wednesday i will photograph the most beautiful woman i have ever seen.

And tonight i will sleep, and i will sleep well, and cross my fingers than i see you again.