coeur de corps.

I dont know why but there is something very regal about tiny women. They just seem so sacred or something. Fragile, like you need to put them on a velvet pillow and let them breathe. Sort of like they know something i dont. But still somehow there is a different allure to figured women. They are, cascading and rich. Ive been thinking a lot about body type lately and what it means, where it means it. I feel like i take pretty good care of my body, and generally i like it, sometimes love it, at least respect it. Its funny though coming here and realizing that the concept of beauty is different. Beauty on the whole here means very slender, girlish, and fair. Im not really sure i embody any of these fully. So its strange to notice the slight shift in my confidence when i walk down the street. Im not the fattest person on the street by any means, or really tragic looking or anything. Im just becoming hyper aware of the fact that my body type does not mean the same thing here as it does everywhere, its kind of awkward. I sort of feel like im going through puberty again. Sure I have my moments of self doubt anywhere, but Im assaulted suddenly by unfamiliar feelings of self consciousness. I think its so interesting how much stock we put in our bodies. Ive heard of body worship in Rio, and foot binding, and lobe stretching, and exotic forms of circumcision, and lotions with bleach in them. Its crazy what people will do to make their bodies more "functional" in the society they are in. It kind of makes me want to reject it, but im so weak to not fall subject to it as well, im such a product of where i come from, but constantly trying to look beyond into and around that. My definition of beauty is health i think, and i have to learn to accept that more readily when little voices creep in the moors of my brain, whispering that I dont look right. What is that? Is it evolutionary? Life is weird, and life is interesting.
I mean clearly I want eyes like alicia keys and have always wished for an elegant body like cate blanchette, or wanton sexiness like either of they gylenhaals or even some of my friends bodies. That envious eye though always create unhappiness, and I can also think of times when I have wanted to be no one in the room but me. And there have been times when i revel in my completeness and my health, and feel incredibly confident. Its just a push and pull i guess. I dont really know what I am trying to say, I guess im just exploring the unfamiliar feeling of physical inadequacy that has suddenly found me here, half a world away. But...
I really think that the best way for me to make sense of this is to define beauty as health, coupled with the ability to realize your own beauty. I mean, beauty is just cultural definition of proportion, or so im told, so i think there is something beyond that because I still think that Sandra Oh is gorgeous although so many people think she isnt. And i still find so many differnt types of people physically appealing. Im always going to be a little be curvy, and have weak hips, and stubby fingers and a slight slouch and goofy walk and a nasal tinge to my voice when speaking without thinking. But Im also sure that I will always love the way i feel right before i get in the shower and i realize this is the exact state i was born in. And im also sure that my life will be a long effort to respect my body as a magnificent tool, and an interesting and mysterious addition to my existence. Im pretty sure, even with age, I will take a few seconds in front of the mirror, bare, and think, hell yeah. I will breathe for as long and as deep as it will allow me, and run for as long and as hard as it will allow. I totally understand body worship, the meaning of it, I mean if you think about it, bodies are just amazing things, and WE ALL GET ONE! It does so many awesome things that are the ultimate form of sophistication and of puzzlement. Everything is so intricate and minute and instant. Thinking, breathing, feeling, understanding, and communication. Adrenaline, and fullness, and touch, and sex, and choice and pain and illness and sleep. Gah the brain! the brain is just amazing in itself! Its probably why i like senses and clothes so much..clothes! they are like art! Something to make more beautiful the body, and give it even more facets that it already has. Art for art! Without a body, Im not really sure what i am in this lifetime. Whatever state its in, it still gives me a tangible form of existence. I dont know what it is, or where it came from, but i love it, and i need it, and i deeply deeply appreciate it. Anyways i could go on...but i wont. I guess what i mean to say is.. respect your body eat your vegetables, drink water, get sleep...but use it too! have a drink or a smoke or an all nighter or some chocolate on occasion, and realize its potential. Take a swim or a jog and don't be so hard on it, it works twenty four hour days, with little thanks, and looks good doin' it.

j