Laoshi XueXi

Rub a dub dub one woman in a tub and who does she want to be? A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker? a linguist an artist or some combination of several? Ive often wondered as a child, what and where my life would take me to. Really, its just a blip in the grand scheme of things, chugging along hour by hour day by day weeks fly and months beat them, before you know it you're in your twenties and you think, whhatt theeee fuuccckk???? And i feel like another twenty years will go faster, and death is inevitable. Maybe this is callous, but im just not really afraid of dying, im afraid for how it will impact the people i leave behind, but not so much for me, im merely a transfer of energy, its all borrowed, and used and returned to something, somewhere. It seems the only thing that is true is pleasure, pain, and the balance of the two.
The happiest i think i can make myself is to invest in something that frees me. What this is i cant really be sure of. Really, this is an age old question.

Who are we? What are we? Where are we going?

and maybe to a lesser degree who with and what for? nah, ive made peace with those i think. But in all honesty i dont really care to know the answer, i just want to be happy along the way, and keep renewing, and be relevant...to myself to other people to the time. I just want to understand as much as i can with no end in sight, and i love revising it all the time. I think hell is just a state of mind where all is stagnant and nothing fails. Nirvana, Heaven, Milk and honey...its all just self renewal and revision i think. You never really stop do you? Part of the reason i have such a lack of interest and slight aversion to organized religion is that is limits you so grossly, and keeps you in one way of thinking, which i think, is unnatural. Like a wool sweater worn to tightly. It should keep ya warm, but really, id rather be cold and naked than itchy and stuffed in. I often wonder if curiosity really killed the cat or if he just found something really cool and stayed there and no one ever heard from him again. That cat is probably somewhere in a hammock eating mike and ikes.

Its a Sisyphean task, living, but somehow it just seems benevolent. I don't know why. All you can really do is look at what is right in front of you. That is something i learned from natlie. She has very little separation anxiety, she very rarely "misses" people or things. I love thinking of my life as it was in Texas, and feeling hopeful for what will be in the coming year or two, and getting anxious/excited about it and welcoming change. That is something i did not learn form natlie.

I have learned about myself that i have a deep need to relate, the problem being that i want to devour all i can. I wish to touch every object in sight, calling it familiarity. Like a bull in a china shop, just racing through trying to make contact with all i can. This of course increases breadth, but not so much depth. I wonder sometimes, if I am to make something of myself , if i need to concentrate my interest. But knowing how well everything informs everything else in the world, it seems silly to put all your eggs in one basket if you know what i mean? But i do this with everything, it is definitely my Achilles heel and yet my greatest quality.

Such are the ramblings of my inner monolouge. Such is life.

missing home, looking forward to making one again, trying not to take for granted the now, mostly seeking sunshine, sand, and sovereignty.

sleepy today,

j