Jinx!

Lonely somewhere where all is sacred and smoggy she distantly pushes the last bite around the plate. Takes a long look east, and wonders if shes looking forward or back home, and realizes, the spheres are relative, its all relative. She could try to know, and dizzy herself sick wrapping around the globe enough times to make Amelia jealous. Change of plans, she's not to sprint today, in any sense of the word. She lifts and twirls an onion ring around the index like a hula hoop, suspends the most recent revolution with a crunch through the purple and mealy and pungent and sighs "what a nice day."

I don't expect much from my life except balance. but seeking and expecting are two very different things. I seek health but am well aware of the fact that I am not guaranteed it. No one owes me happiness. Neither the universe no any other person can or should bear the obligation of my own satisfaction. Maybe that is why so many people are so unhappy in life, because they demand happiness from some unknown, and know not from where it comes. Make your own damn garden! Fetch the water shovels and soil, find a bit of earth, scrounge for it! and pick your own pansies! Still, all things considered, there are some things one can seek that does make the shit a little easier: laughter, music, late nights, chocolate, Greek salads, long runs, snow days, days off in general, friends, a new outfit, someone to share the cheese fries with, a stiff cup of coffee in the early morning. Ive recently been asked how I can be so optimistic, the thing is, im not, Im not at all optimistic. There are a number of shitty things in my life and others lives that must be dealt with everyday, and really there is probably considerably more crap than good stuff in the world. What comforts me is not to seek goodness and contend with the bad, but to accept the bad, and instead seek balance. It is because I value balance that I can deal with the news, decapitations, corrupt politics, senseless killings, religious radicals, and death. These things, while melancholy and morbid, are not inherently "bad" but just are. Death is just life resurfacing, just transformation, merely a transfer of energy. Not to say that i am passive about what can and should be changed, but just that I am too concerned with life as it is, in all its balance, to obsess over yin or yang. Part of growing up too is realizing that there is no wrong or right, no white or black, but that everything is a shade of grey and that there are many different ways to be right, beautiful, happy, healthy, and moral. And so, how can we fault anyone for acting in the interest of everyone as they see it? What we can do, is give each other as much freedom as possible, so far as it does not infringe on someone elses.
If that fails, then...rebuild, rework, redo, and hope we are better for it, and along the way...try to enjoy what we can. Try to learn from and even appreciate what ails us.
Everyone has a degree of intrinsic value if only to input their take on the world, and all these culminating circumstances in each life, create an opinion. Existence is to process, value is to exist. Im starting to realize from my time here that i cannot stop this, I have to keep scrambling around what i think and know, because the opportunity presents itself much too great to pass
up. I suppose it would be easy to whittle life and existence down to nothing if you tried, but its hard to make peace with that when peace is almost certain and desire runs rampant and free.

Im confirming and making certain what i already suspected here, that i am endlessly capable and lucky. also, if you do nothing..something will happen but nothing will happen. Life always goes on, at least as far as the living are concerned, but you have to make things happen, or they simply wont. You have to STUDY to learn Chinese, and you gotta diet to look good! and you gotta WRITE to have something usable, put paper to pen, nose to grindstone, pedal to the floor and edit edit EDIT! Ya gotta! gotta! gotta! and no amount of crying or whining will get it for you. Natlie taught me that. And no one will do it for you, and no one will or should care if it doesn't get done. so keep a stiff upper lip and do!

The best things about life reveal themselves to you slowly, in secret, and generally mean shit to anyone else around you. You'll be lucky to relay it to someone, you'll be lucky to find it yourself. Try. don't let up. do what you can. feel. need...and debunk what that means. ask. find. DON'T LIMIT-but sometimes limit. teach. learn. wonder. wander. apologize and don't apologize. and give yourself a break. find someone to share the cheese fries with. Stay savvy.

The world owes me nothing, well, maybe it owes me a coke.


thankful thankful thankful.

j.