grumble grumble. vulnerability psh.

I feel very idle. Like im just trying to get through the next three months. I dont want to be comfortable all the time, but right now i do. Formidably, i just want to whine. I just want to eat some chocolate and curl up in some familiar arms and make dirty jokes and not have to discipline someone else from day to day. I think im not so much homesick as much as im just sick of here. I sort of feel out of my element, not culturally, just situationally. Still, i like to deem myself someone who doesn't quit things. Especially things that i know to be somewhat valuable to me in some way. Except...on the flip side...there is the question of choice.

It is good and it is wise to be malleable, especially when experiencing the unknown. But it is also wise to stand firm in things that you want. Perhaps it is most wise to be formulate an adaptive combination of the two.

Ive collected advice in my head for years from people that i just really respect, and always the advice i most value has a theme.

"stand up for yourself jessy, it makes everyone else happy and you get what you want"
"we're too old to be doing things we dont want to do"
"i mean, its your life.."

I mean, i just get so fucking sick of being bullied sometimes. I think, because I am generally pretty agreeable to be around, and generally pretty easy going, that people mistake that for passiveness. So. let it be known, I am not passive, perhaps i didn't say anything because i didn't think it mattered enough to make a fuss, but yeah, when you cut me in line it pisses me off, and yeah, i was using that chair, and no, i don't think that is a fair price. Really, my ability to swallow what i really want to say is mostly a product of my idea that it is more efficient to suppress what i need in small situations. Is this a small situation? It is certainly a finite one, so maybe i shouldn't worry about it? I guess it kind of walks the line of how long i am willing to put up something disagreeable with me.

step with purpose, right? So really it seems that i should just do whatever i want regardless? I dont know, I do know that i miss everyone, and i do know that i feel like ive kind of plateaued here in terms of how my life will be from day to day. Im certainly learning all the time, but im not sure its redeeming enough for me to want to stay on.

Im tired of the rain, i would kill for some natural beauty out here, the lifeless concrete, the air, the general mentality of "i gotta get mine screw you". Id love a drive somewhere green, and some fresh air and sunlight. Id love to not play tag today. Id love to eat nothing but fruits and veggies for a week....coupled with nutella. Id love to legally look at youtube and facebook. Id love to get on the same level with someone else, have lunch, a glass of vino, sleep all day and play all night, read without ceasing, a saturday, a sunday, a monday, whatever, wear something i dont have to get dirty, and id love to have someones physical arms around me. It would be nice to be hit on too. meh.

Flailing. a bit. but keepin' it together.

j