Mei Guanxi.

You know, I remember this. I remember feeling like and thinking like and being like natlie. Its been back, way way back, back there in the dark parts of my memory, places i haven't accessed in ages, but lets blow the dust off shall we?
At what point do you no longer sympathize with a child, and being to empathize with them? When is it that feelings of sorrow or pity for tears are no longer sufficient, and you begin to actually take on those feelings for yourself?
I remember this.
Feeling like bath time time was the end of the world. I had no perspective at all.
My best friend moved away. I did have perspective.
I broke my arm. I dont remember it.
I wanted to grow up to be a ballet dancer.
I wanted to grow up to be the first woman president.
I wanted to be a writer.
I've done better than those things.
I remember that feeling i got when boys were around, when pretty girls were around.
I remember playing effortlessly, for hours, and hours and hours, through sickness, through cold, through bathroom breaks. I didnt care. jessy. want. play.
and nothing else.
Everything was funny.
I had to ask for everything.
I wanted to do it myself.
I wanted that toy on tv
I wanted to be left alone in my closet.
I remember the feeling of embarrassment. I suppose i still get embarrassed, but its so seldom, and usually, now, its totally manageable. It isnt the kill- all that it once was.

Im just sayin' I think this experience, although trialing, has been good for me, if only to shake the dust off, if only to try to see through someone else's desires (i.e. people who want kids) I mean, i really get it , i totally get it, but its not for me. And power to the people who want to and can go through with it. Kids are a great thing, and they are a very real thing, and a very hard thing. There are so many what if's , sooo many decisions, so much sacrifice, so little sleep. I totally appreciate it, totally. But ive been told that i better serve the world, being who I want to be, and that is not a mother. And i choose to believe this.

Listen to yo momma kids, shes giving up more than you know.

Its amazing how much I relate to natlie these days. Having a child is something that will absolutely change a person im pretty sure. And while Im really not up for ever owning one, i gotta say if I did happen to chance upon one, one of these days, I think i could perhaps make a little room for it...

But good god in heaven jesus mary and joseph stalin, I AINT NOBODIES MOMMY!

ick.

"dont worry jess, i think people who are our age and know exactly what they want to do are freaks anyways" -wg

...this actually made me feel alot better today about my decision making problems, actually, its the most comforting thing ive heard in the midst of all this.

Later baby,

j