it gets hard sometimes to accept that im not yours anymore. but you will always be my best friend. Anyone can be passionate, it takes real lovers to be silly. I hope you are wherever i am in a year darling. You have been the great love in my life thus far. 

...

i feel very, very alone.

jenn is playing the cure.

i revel in my pajamas.

thinking of better days.

thinking of better things.

worried as all get out.

feeling.

misunderstood.

stifled.

flailing.

still.

He would probably wear glasses. Be able to sing, wear ties on occasion, and enjoy dinner in bed. listen to me read out loud, speak his mind, and be a challenge. Have an affinity for ochre, and a specific pair of shoes. Doesnt feel obligated, and we would talk each other to sleep.

She would love color, have teeth like diamonds and move like paint drips slowly down a canvas. Vertical and meandering. Eyes like orbs, handles like a kitchen knife, precision and mystery. She would hold me like she holds herself, she would know me like she knows herself, she would have intuition like no other, and fan her fabulous fingers across the bumpy hills of my hips, and hold them like she holds herself. Always searching for the sublime.

I used to be really afraid of deconstruction i wanted to control everything. Now i thrive on it.

not so hot

chris died today. Im shocked. And i feel for my sisters. Hard times. My dad called me today though, it reminded me how much i love him.

you are so g-d beautiful. I wish i knew who she was, i wish i knew if she loved me back, i wish i knew the way to part the waters of oil with my fingers through her lovely, lovely hair.

Im glad no one can hear me. Teetering on the edge of vulnerability and secrecy.

She walks, she walks, she walks.

she runs she runs.

she moves she moves she moves so slow.

She peels away the cotton that swallows her, she pivots pivots pivots.

step lightly into a vat of water, cover yourself in oxygen, taste the soap, drown yourself.

Wish that i was with you, id gladly swim in your filth, the dirt that once hugged your skin,

I feel clean with you.

exhilarated,

dried.

Comb your black teeth softly through the waves and bring them back again so that i may become them.

And then rest, rest, rest, little darling.

rest in me, rest on me,

just rest.

sleep.

deep.

sudden.

I sometimes wish you were here to tangle and untangle things with me, for hours.

im mikey..i rock.

do you ever meet such cool people that you wonder why they even want to hang out with you? I recently met a guy who is a contest winning people wooing audience pleasing honest to goodness nice guy. I swear to god i keep thinking he's going to call me one day and say something like "psych! i dont actually think youre cool ive just been conducting a social experiment" anyways, this is guy defeys human capabilities i think. Damn those people that are good at everything and cool to boot. 

Ps. i got to thinking about valentines day...and why i felt so crappy about it this year. then i realized, this is one of the first times vday has rolled around that i have actually felt alone. i mean, i have good friends, and ill always have that, if im lucky, but i dated the same guy forever, and although vday usually sucked at least it sucked together, and before that it was highschool crap, which i didnt really adhere to, and last year when i was single i was in europe with my 7 other fabulous single freinds with no class the next day, needless to say we were more than occupado. This year, im alone, really, alone. Its hard to swallow. Not that i need someone to fawn over me or anything, but it is nice to spend the day with someone you at least have a little bit of a something for. Its kind of like a get out jail free card or something. "hey be my valentine" it doesnt mean you have to love me, it doesnt really even mean you have to like me, but you have to at least have thought of me naked on one occasion...or something like that. And really, most vday dates dont really turn into anything, but it would just be nice to have a picnic or something. well, its cold i guess, scratch the pic nic, add....mmm my record player and a glass of wine. bliss.

and remember...love is a four letter word.

happy vday kids, use a condom.

beef in the jeans shes wearin'...im hooked anicantstopstarin!

anways, sir mix a lot aside. today was a good day. i didnt finsih everything i wanted to do but i did get to see good freinds. and i did get to record some great videos on people's facebook walls all day, which really is alot more theraputic than one realizes. I was really goofy today. Sometimes you just dont know what gets into you ya know. actually, i know exactly what got into me, too much coffee and soda, too much free time, pent up energy from not running, and having no where to go but up. All in all, it was a success i think. I still miss you though.

I never realized how much resolve wearing bright red lipstick grants me, tomorrow i will wear all black, and lipstick. And on wednesday i will photograph the most beautiful woman i have ever seen.

And tonight i will sleep, and i will sleep well, and cross my fingers than i see you again.

easy.lucky.free.thats me.

I took this picture during fall break at my university. I reminds me of escape.

I took the next of a good friend of mine who is a painter, he looks absurd and bizzare in this picture. It reminds me of a pollock portrait or dali with the crazy moustache. either way it will always remind me of what hunter is. there were some nekked ones but you know, gotta keep it kosher. :)

"drop it like its hot jessy, he's mindfucking you something awful, its time gurl, its time" -kim

i love my sisters, and i miss them dearly.

Today i'm going to read. Today im going to photograph. Today i will take off my ring. Today i will let go of, but not forget you. And ill leave you alone. And ill take the large gulp and accept that I am not her. But no one will ever be you.

release.

ps.the ferrets are back, hooray haha

i love you jess.

I dont want anything from him,
except to hold him,
to hear him,
to make it better.
damn.

Remember yourself.

Through the yard, through the yard of blonde girls.

through the river and the sea gold sharks glittering a tree of white, breaks teh earth

the streets where lola played, very sexy very sexy okay okay.

fear we may come.

so run, run, run, run.

Its in your heart, its in your art you beauty.

Even in this world of lies, theres purity, youve got innocence in your eyes, even in this world of lies, your still hopeful, very sexy okay okay.

Dear Jess,

stop making excuses. stop running around. learn to take chances. you seriously undercut yourself. invest, invest, invest, in people, the rest will come. Remember yourself this way.

sincerely,

jess

People are hard to understand. You put yourself on a limb or you put yourself on an island. Its hard not to get burned. Sometimes i feel as though people are fumbling through my fingertips, falling around me, scattered. There are so many, and yet, there are so few, and it can get very lonely. It make me think all the more about relationship, and relation. People want so badly to relate. If have someone who loves you, hang on to it tightly, relentless, like a pitbull. It truly is more important than anything else.

ahhh

cadence. little is less appreciate or more magnificent.

ici, ici, ici. haaaaaaaaa.

some days arent yours at all, they come and go as if they were someone elses days. they come and leave you behind someone elses face, thats harsher than yours, and colder than yours.

they come in all quiet they sweep up and then they leave, And you dont hear a single floor board creak, theyre so much stronger than the friends you try to keep, by your side.

Downtown.

all women are one woman. And i'm roughly content with that.

Im exhausted. Tonight i'm going to listen to piano, and i will think of piano.

Tonight Gin will just be gin and it wont be becuase of you, and music will just be music and it wont be about you, and men will just be men and none of them will be you, and none of them will be anyone. And more importantly all men will be the same man.

and i will not think of him anymore because i cant bear it anymore.

And the red on my index finger will remind me of it, i will try my hardest not to forget.

There is an aching that burns somewhere between my clavicles and breast bone. I like to call it desire. I feel it deep in the pit of my stomach into my veins seeping into my blood stream and out through my toes, straight out to my fingertips, and stifled in my mouth where it yearns to take hold of something, to say something, to do something.

ahh valentines day, clearly the shittiest of all the holidays.

There is an artist named andy goldsworthy, earth art, he calls it.

I wonder what things would be like if we viewed life and death and transition the way he makes art. Sand to sand, ever changing, natural, if we embraced all things for the time we have them in, and calmly and fondly allow them to change and remove and develop and dissipate. If we felt things as they are, transient, and love them for that. Were meant to lose the ones we love, or so i hear.

I was drinking coffee today and I thought of you. I was thinning out paint, and i thought of you. I walked across the hall and i thought of you again. I remembered i'm an idiot, still i was thinking of you.

also, i wanted to know what his favorite dessert was.

damn it.  c'mere.

moment

have you ever cared so much about an object that to lose it meant to lose memories? like a person moved away without saying goodbye or something.

around noon a little bitty thing was getting ready to go out and enjoy the day, and a glittery golden charm of the italian persuasion  was looking forward to it too, as it did, everyday since it and the pretty young thing had met. There was spinning and magic, perfume and curl, loud music and laughter. When suddenly crazy beautiful slips off pretty young's pretty little neck and loses its way. Sometime later crazy beautiful is lost and glimmers in sunshine that is unaquainted with the neck and begins to feel nervous, a little more nervous, petrified, terrified. Pretty young circles and toils, begins to feel anxious and then upset, so upset that she is indifferent. And as she is spilling her anxiety to a one, friendly coffee goer, gabe, she realized just who she is talking to. And suddenly things don't seem so bad. Then pretty young turns to small and simple and says "You have to lose everything you love at some point or another i suppose" and with sigh embraces the moment that is this afternoon, sans glittery beautiful. Ho hum. Some time later, round firm is taking rest in an oh so familiar room, when glittering across the floor smiles crazy beautiful glittery necklace right back at her, and she lets out a yelp that sounds more like a sigh of releif. And somehow i feel rewarded for not freaking out about it. Also im glad i didnt cry in front of gabe.

always and only are very strong words

its always fun to go back and look at the way you were. I was funny. I am funny. but mostly i really just enjoyed this line from a 2006 journal entry today:

"first trys and times are fleet-footed hussies, and second reactions are made of character, made of stone"

You once wrote me a letter in 2004. You probably didnt know this but i kept it, not just this, but cherished it. I'm know that nothing was supposed to become of that letter, but you should know that from time to time i take it out, and i read it, slowly, and then a few times more, and that it still makes me feel like i really deserved everything that i got. And it is still, one of the best compliments, and one of the best letters that i have ever received. And wilson knew it too.

you know what? i would do helena bonham carter, i would, there, i said it, thats right.

also damn, she is really really pretty, and has great taste in lemonade.

tomorrow, im gonna gesso, im gonna dance, im gonna get coffee, and im probably gonna think about you.

when i was a little girl,

i used to spend hours and hours trying to catch a fish in the ocean.

i used the same tactics repeatedly and without rest.

I would have stayed there all night if my mother had not made me go inside.

any sane person would have given up.

but at the end of each try, i thought of finally being able to hold that fish made me try one more time.

Until eventually, i realized the fish was uncatchable.

At one point, my mother paid a 12 year old boy with a net to catch a fish and put it in my bucket when i wasnt looking.

I thought i had caught it.

But somehow it wasnt the same.

I have been one acquainted with the night.

I have walked out it rain, and back in rain.

I have outwalked the furthest city light.

.....

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right

I have been one acquainted with the night.

I'm so tired.

and so confused.

i just want to dance, i think i will, i think i will.

I hate feeling like i dont know what to feel.

maybe ill just go for a run, i hope its beautiful tomorrow like it was today.

Why is it that we always doubt ourselves, we continue to doubt ourselves, what is it thats stopping us? what is it thats stopping me?

I things didnt seem so arresting right now. 

But everything is good, even the shit, im glad i can feel.

ahts and fahhts and crafts

art both elevates and defines human function and condition. it expands upon our purpose where it surpasses merely survival, it revels in our ability to do more than exist, and yet, it is the basis and origin of all things, for this is what we survive for. And all marvels ahve not only benefited from but have been born from individual expression.

What i wouldnt give for a good cathartic cry. group whats within myself with some strange reasoning and let it run, let it fall, let it bleed. Feel it deeply, and yet i dont want it, i flee from negetivity.

Wash. glittery is the glassy eye that cleanses the spirit.Quality is the time i have to use it. Quiet is the world as it surrounds me, sublime is the author that writes a lude thing hid.

Me gustas cuando callas porque estas como ausente,

me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te toca.

Parece que los ojos se te hubieran volado

yparece que un beso te cerrara la boca.

Me gustas cuando callas y estas como distante.

Y estas como quejandote, mariposa en arrullo. 

Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza:

Dejame que me calle con el silencio tuyo.

Me gustas cuando callas porque estas como ausente

Distante y dolorosa como si hubieras muerto.

Una palabra entonces, una sonrisa bastan.

Y estoy alegre, alegre de que no sea cierto.

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,

and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you.

It seems as though your eyes had flown away and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.

I like for you to be stil, and you seem far away. It sounds as though you were lamenting,  a butterfly cooing like a dove. And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:

Let me come to be still in your silence.

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent, distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.

One word then,

one smile, is enough.

And I am happy, happy that it's not true.

Why why why?????

I will stop.

But i wont stop.

she says you're a masochist for falling for me,

so roll up your sleeves.

and i thik that i like her, cuz she tells me things i dont want to hear

medicinal tongue in my ear

forget about it girl.

i suppose i will.

ow.

the heart has reasons which reason knows not. Sometimes id like to kick mine in the beehind.

there's almost always someone there at the end of the night, and i almost always wish that someone was you.

i believe.

there are many things im sure that i dont believe in, but what i do have faith in is part of me. I suppose i have faith in many things.

I believe in love. I believe in leather. I believe in the color black and its compliment, brown. And, in art, and music, an that moment in a song where you feel your heart will burst everytime, on repeat, for hours.

I believe in fall, and beauty. People, and friendship, Sorrow and pain. I believe in pain more than most things, because here is the essence of our human situation.

Pain is more real than anything.

I believe and advocate diversity, i believe so deeply in the color of skin, and the power of words and of language.

I have faith in metaphor.

I have faith in sweat, and hard work, movement, and skill.

I believe in raging shouting between sisters, but i believe even more so in that moment where you heart suddenly turns, and everything that seemed like such a big deal seconds ago is transformed into a deep remorse and sympathy. That moment where you see someone as human again, you remember who they are, I believe in that.

But more than all of these, I believe I'll go for a run.

the plan

this semester...i will dedicate my time to making something fantastic. I want to do my absolute best.

prelude to a qualude

Its funny that my life is dedicated to the art of expression. Artistic expression, photography and design and literature and languages and dance etc... and not just that but even the most minute of tasks i dedicate my life to finding the personal and identifying expression in. The mundane, seemingly mundane. It is funny then..and not really funny "haha" that i should have so much trouble making my stance on most things known. I cant recall how many times ive felt strongly about something or someone that i thought was public knowledge, only to be overlooked when an opportunity arose involving it. I wont even get started on the facial expression problem...its like im speaking a different language sometimes. I think im saying or conveying one thing, and the opposite is contacted. Its so very frustraiting, like being a foreigner and not knowing the local tongue. strange.

The thing is i feel so horribly out of control these days. I cant seem to conjure a good idea and when i circle around one is when i realize that art is the response to something else, and that i cannot simply respond to art alone. Perhaps I'm just too darn happy to be thinking of anything profound, because as a race i suppose we thrive on obstacles.

But i wish it would just flow from inside me.

Like pudding.

Or something equally gooey.

I guess i just miss having people to relate to. And ive spent so much of my time throwing myself into situations where i was completely different than everyone surrounding me..with purpose, i liked the shock. But maybe in the midst of observation ive hungered for someone that i relate to without trying.

Being home always makes me feel a little melancholy after a certain amount of time has passed. Guilty for growing up or something, guilty for wanting to be free. Im also nearing the point where very few things surprise me anymore, in the sense of people anyways. I feel prisoner, because i still yearn for that acceptance, yet i want nothing to do with it.

Maybe its because i look very differwnt than i feel, or i appear to be one type of person that i am not necessarily.

Either way, all i want to do is create, thats all i ask, and if someone cares about it, well i think thats just dandy.

bah. flippin a hole and your post modern bullshizzzzzzzzzz.

i need to keep busy.

rawr...its getting lonely out here. But im very stressed out thinking about next semester. Im in a bit of a rut, this isnt good for me here, i need....

nature

and people that want to create with me.

perspective.

damn..

forgot chris isaac, definately up there on the list.

the list....

1.adrian brody

2.jason schwartzman

3.lee pace

4.ewan mcgregor

5.ryan adams

6.pharell williams

7.zach braff

8.luke wilson and his brother

9.andre 3000

10.jake gyllenhaal, and his sister

its all about attitude.