prelude to a qualude

Its funny that my life is dedicated to the art of expression. Artistic expression, photography and design and literature and languages and dance etc... and not just that but even the most minute of tasks i dedicate my life to finding the personal and identifying expression in. The mundane, seemingly mundane. It is funny then..and not really funny "haha" that i should have so much trouble making my stance on most things known. I cant recall how many times ive felt strongly about something or someone that i thought was public knowledge, only to be overlooked when an opportunity arose involving it. I wont even get started on the facial expression problem...its like im speaking a different language sometimes. I think im saying or conveying one thing, and the opposite is contacted. Its so very frustraiting, like being a foreigner and not knowing the local tongue. strange.

The thing is i feel so horribly out of control these days. I cant seem to conjure a good idea and when i circle around one is when i realize that art is the response to something else, and that i cannot simply respond to art alone. Perhaps I'm just too darn happy to be thinking of anything profound, because as a race i suppose we thrive on obstacles.

But i wish it would just flow from inside me.

Like pudding.

Or something equally gooey.

I guess i just miss having people to relate to. And ive spent so much of my time throwing myself into situations where i was completely different than everyone surrounding me..with purpose, i liked the shock. But maybe in the midst of observation ive hungered for someone that i relate to without trying.

Being home always makes me feel a little melancholy after a certain amount of time has passed. Guilty for growing up or something, guilty for wanting to be free. Im also nearing the point where very few things surprise me anymore, in the sense of people anyways. I feel prisoner, because i still yearn for that acceptance, yet i want nothing to do with it.

Maybe its because i look very differwnt than i feel, or i appear to be one type of person that i am not necessarily.

Either way, all i want to do is create, thats all i ask, and if someone cares about it, well i think thats just dandy.