what i say and what i mean.

What im saying is...what we've agreed on, what i mean is, abstract. All i wanna do is talk about language and its implications. All i wanna do is make stuff. What i mean is, i want to do both. what i want is a way. what i know is i can, what i understand is, it takes time. Everything takes time.

What i want is a sunny day.
What i want is rest.
Fresh vegetables, a joke, a swimsuit, a hug, a long long long long road to run with.

This has been really good for me, but i cant wait to start again, my bones and blood can get so restless in my skin from time to time.

I was just clicking through some photos in my library. Theres nothing sadder than memories. Its awful, the thought of life past and the ache for the uncertainty of the future. Will i want to look back on the pictures i have yet to take? Will I even be around to take them? It is the dwell that kills us. its melancholy and mysterious, to look at the photons reassigned to paper that once bounced off my grandfathers face the day he married my grandmother. To realize youth is finite, and such, life. To know life is precious and slippery enough to want to hold on to it in pictures. To ache, ache, ache. To yearn yearn. and to compare your life with your own a year ago, and with others. I love photos, for the art in them, and for their power. and i resent them for the grief they so often cause me. Reliving anything is terrible, its awful to revisit bad because i am reminded o it, its equally terrible to relive good, because its never quite the same, and the loss of that is blue. And im blue, and so are you too. Its terrible to love anything seasonal, but thats all we are really, seasons.

j