It's winter.

Its winter and I'm not denying it. So much around me is dying while so much else is being born. I've loved you. I've lost you. I know you. I knew you. I believed in this and that, and I've all but abandoned it now. I feel so full of new and old right now that I am nothing but a transition. I thought I was Marilyn but maybe I'm Jackie.

Nothing ever stands.

It's winter and I'm not denying it. I could try to guild myself in business and costume but I think I'm at peace with just being sad for the time being. There. I said it. I'm sad.

I'm not dying, I'm sad. I'm not worthless, I just miss you. I'm not hopeless, but I sleep a lot later that I used to, I write a lot more, I drink a lot more, I smile a little less, I drink slightly more and to a point. I laugh a little harder than i need to just to make sure It doesn't show.

Does it show?

I'll accept it, but it still hurts. I know you're not gone, I know you're not away, but I feel the need to mourn for the things that will never happen again. Matter of fact, i think I've always mourned the little things.

You're perfect, he said, but you're not perfect for me.

How fond does my heart have to grow before you stop being absent?

They both agreed.

I took a walk today. It was cold. It's cold and I'm not above it, It's winter and im not denying it. I walk and have walked this road a lot. I knows me better than I know it i think. But it most likely fashions me a traitor to the east side that I've been spending so much tread on. "oh, highland, its not you its me, I'm just so busy, I'm just not ready for commitment"

"bullshit"

it slings back.

I'll make it up to you baby. Let me walk a couple blocks, I was gone and I'm not denying it. One more to Amsterdam ave. I'm sorry and I mean it. Almost to Virginia and you're warming up to me. If I get to ponce you're mine and you can deny it. Don't lie, I know you missed me.

be honest.

do you miss me?

I've walked here often and before. Though previously I've walked to remember, and now I walk to get away. Away from everything I've known and everything I've wanted, and from all memories of you. Well, not entirely. I can't deny it, I like the memories, but they hurt.

If i keep walking I'll maybe sweat out the loss, and breathe out the ache.

It a dull ache that cant quite transform to a roar. Its the cold that tenses my shoulders enough to hunch them forward just a bit, and push my hands deep enough into my fleece. It's dull, Its so very dull.

If i keep walking I'll get warm.

If i keep walking I'll sweat it out.

If i keep walking I'll come full stop.

It's getting dark now but I don't mind because the christmas lights are up this month.

Its getting cold now, but I don't notice because my mind is buzzing and I'm almost home.

My fingers are going numb on the right where I'm clasping the phone to my ear for company.

It's winter and I can't deny it.

Post Shower.

I just took a shower. I just took the longest shower of my life. That was the best goddamn shower I've ever taken. Hot water ran down the top of my head like an egg cracks, easy and slow. I swear in sank through my skull and ran straight down through my neck and spine and made It's way to my knee caps where it flooded them and nearly knocked me over from the force, but stood me up tall with a jerk instead. When it reached my feet in soaked through the arches and down the drain where it had always intended to be and I knew it.

Sometimes I cant help but need to close my eyes and breathe deeply. I fear that If I don't, I will be too overwhelmed by all the life around me and just bottle up and explode! There is nothing I want more than life, there is nothing I do better.

The conflict is the meaty part of life. The struggle is the skeleton. Laughter is merely the skin and I'm drowning in it.

I'm so fucking busy, I'm so fucking happy. I love getting my hands dirty, tiring and toiling and complaining and fighting to be alert at times. It's redeeming.

Though I know I will inevitably return to the thoughts that parade around as fear late at night, but also call themselves "research", I don't care, I'm happy in this moment.


I wonder, is all we are to smoke drink fight and fuck? Are we just a mass of merry go rounds spinning at a velocity our brains aren't capable of catching? Should I be satisfied or get satisfied?

I take comfort in that no one else really has a clue either, even if they say they do, even if they write books or coach lives or hold offices, they're lying. We're all lying. you're all a bunch of fuckin liars, everyone one of ya. ps. I love you all, and I cant help it.

It just started raining. I think it will take me a while to get used to the idea of rain not being foreboding or anxious. It never rains in Texas. When it does it makes me think that god is trying to sell me something. Somehow though, In my house, right now, where its freezing and two thirds sleeping, the rain is non threatening. Instead it lulls me, clams me, talks to me even. I'm sitting here cold and achy in my bed, snuggling beneath the cotton that's swallowing me up and I'm thinking about how fragile I am. I'm a slave to my body in fact. To its pain and its hunger and its temperature and its desires, I am at it's mercy. I can't get a damn thing done without being interrupted by something my body needs everyday. You'd think I'd be mad at it, but instead I just coddle it. I feed it and rest it and clothe it and so on. Why, I'm just a big baby.

That's what I am, a baby. And so are you. A baby, scrambling around to find something to justify calling ourselves significant. Unique.

Stop. You already are. I believe you without all the bad press.

Whatever your reasons, I like talking to people who are comfortable enough with themselves to talk about things that they actually care about.

j

I need to write just to write

Do you ever brush your own skin just because no one else will? Do you ever feel like everyone in the room knows something you don't? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I take a certain amount of comfort in realizing and somewhat hoping that everyone else shares in these particular moments. Times in which you just feel so defeated despite all your heroism, times in which your chest thirsts for the feel of another pressed against it, and times in which your own logic doesn't seem to make sense in its context.

The absolute value of life is that which you can conjure. Passion makes life worth living. Art makes life worth living. Laughter.

The feel of hands on my cheeks makes life worth living, even if they are only my own.

Does the fear of the clamor in the other room reveal anything to me? Does the constant drone of inevitability weigh on me? Am I a product of everything else and nothing unto myself?

not today.

Today I feel so god damned jealous, and I don't even know why. Life can be so utterly frustrating, and it can be so intensely satisfying simultaneously.

Pleasure and pain pleasure and pain...all we are is pleasure and pain...she sang softly to her son.

We are all the worst versions of ourselves, and hopefully most days, we are the best.

Take my money and my family and my friends and my home, my heart my sight my limbs my bones, but please god please leave me my passion.

leave me my passion.

La Dee Da

I feel like I should compile this list, and i dont know where else to do it:

Most influential and moving song lyrics that I have come across in the recent past...as I think of them in no particular order, and not necessarily synonymous with the quality of the song and/or artist(i guess just lyrics that have meant something to me):

"We’re just a million little god’s causin rain storms turnin’ every good thing to rust.I guess we'll just have to adjust."-arcade fire

"its a bittersweet symphony this life" -the verve

"louder than sirens louder than bells sweeter than heaven and hotter than hell"-flo and the machine

"all the roads we have to walk are winding and all the lights that lead us there are blinding"-oasis

"lover, you should have come over."-jeff buckley

"this is how it works youre young until youre not, you love until you dont, you try until you cant, you laugh until you cry, you cry until you laugh and everyone must breathe until theyre dyin breath"-regina

"I cant take my eyes of you, I cant take my mind off you"-damien rice

"I'm never gonna know you now but im gonna love you anyhow"-elliot smith

"we were sixteen maybe less, maybe a little more"-iron and wine

"you plant a rose and if the rose comes up youre thankful to god and if it doesnt you cuss em'...But, oh, what a beautiful thing when you sing...Hear all them bells ringing out in the street, Hammer strikes the metal and it makes me believe"-ryan adams

"It's you heart, its in your art your beauty, even in this world of lies theres purity you got innocence in you eyes, even in this world of lies youre still hopeful very sexy very sexy"-jb but better as mph

"oh my my, oh hell yes, honey put on that party dress"-tp

"Gravity is working against me,And gravity wants to bring me down...Oh twice as much aint twice as good,And can't sustain like a one half could, It's wanting more, That's gonna send me to my knees"-jm

"come pick me up take me out fuck me up and steal my records, screw all my friends behind my back, with a smile on your face and then do it again"-ryan adams

"if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs, if theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, then i will follow you into the dark"-death cab for cutie

The entirety of "fake plastic trees" by radiohead, most notably " i cant help but feelin' i could blow through the ceilin'"...and most of that album...all of that album.

what lyrics have stuck with you guys?

Pardon the mess, I'm remodeling.

Is it wrong to want more than this? Wait, not more, different.

I want to construct and be consumed, To build and rebuild, to not be at a loss for words.

I want to lift your grimy fingertips off my skin and have to you look right back at me the same way im looking at you.

I want to be satiated and challenged.

I want to have sex, and not be held accountable.

I want to feel like life is more than a series of wanting and gaining and pining.

I need to feel that ive done my part, but have given to myself in the process.

I want to stay up until five am. I want freedom.

I want to admit when im lonely and not expect some kind of bullshit sympathy, I just want to feel it, and admit it, fully. Im lonely. There.

I think im going to have to find my own way, or make it. I'll make it.

What the fuck is so wrong with being honest anyways? Im so frustrated all the time with what is and isn't acceptable to say, im just so fucking tired of it, i think i could bottle up and explode. I know that its not admirable and i know its seems im a quitter,selfish,unrealistic. What the hell is wrong with me? Is anything wrong with me?

Am i that person who sucks life from others and breathes nothing in return. Have i no output?

Im sure you'll all have something to say about me.
Im sure ive already said plenty of it myself.

Introvert, Extrovert, Lazy, Megalomaniac, Insecure, Overly Secure, Honest, Unapologetic, small, simple, yearning, temperamental, emotional, doomed, a square in a round peg.

But right now im just dark.
Im just a deep green with flecks of olive.
Im some kind of glowing otherwise.

How strange and how beautiful.
How tragic and not.

Sometimes i want nothing to do with life.
Sometimes i want all over me.

Im sure id love to say something else that makes sense, but i dont really care enough right now.

yours,

the impostor.

sincerely,

the scam artist.

love,

baggy jeans, a bra, and everything bitter.

That's what little girls are made of.

j

Hey Stranger.

Hey guys, its been a while.
Sup atlanta, its really been a while.
oh, concept of home, i hardly recognize you.

I haven't wanted to blog in a while because I've been working out how i feel about things, how i feel about here and being away from all of you, and how what i think about money and what i think about advertising and all the shit that im supposed to be behind, for, and cheering at 100 percent all the time. But the truth is that im not really ANYTHING 100 percent of the time. I cant understand why no one seems to be happy at their jobs, why it seems im wasting my body and my time trying to achieve. That kind of thing is just a jagged pill i guess. Its hard to swallow so much thats been thrown at me right now. Why do we make ourselves feel guilty if we dont feel miserable? Its this sort of believe and achieve, succeed and achieve attitude instilled in us that makes us quite frankly feel uncomfortable, lazy, or inadequate, island-like if we do not form to it. It is sometimes to much for me. Sometimes the pain underneath and running through everything in the world is too much for me to handle, i can hardly take a breath thinking of things that happen to my friends on the regular and to others and the god forsaken bogged down mess it all is. The sobering reality that we are slaves to money. The idea that we must sacrifice relevancy for freedom.The fact that everyone is coping with their own insecurities in myriad ways that all bounce back and forth at each other with no rhyme or reason except to make us all miserable. And then sometimes, the right song comes on, or the right beat just moves through you and you blast that radio and scream it down the highway up the whole lane, at the whole highway, at the city, at the whole god damned world. Sometimes the brevity of everything is too much to handle. Sometimes the beauty of it is is just as overwhelming. Its a bittersweet symphony that i can only find relief in through expression. Every single person is looking for the same thing, to be heard, understood, to know that you heard them and understood them.

It feels good to purge my frustrations here but I also accumulate some amount of guilt in the process, like i should feel bad for doing my dirty laundry in public. But i think that's shit. Im not angry all of the time, and im not suffocated all the time. My heart was not made to have an address, but im trying to find the fantastic in having a spot. It is sometimes good to do things you dont want to do. A wise, crusty old woman once told me that the way to discern the difference between quitting and choosing is to ask yourself..."am i wasting my time or is it just hard?"

Im not anything all the time.
Sometimes im a quitter, more often than not i stick it out.
I have days where i feel low and frustrated and i think my life has worn out all its magic, and there are days when i think i could just weep for how lucky i am and how powerful i feel.
Im hungry all day on monday. on tuesday i ate some watermelon and thats it.
Im lazy and productive, brave and chickenshit, refined and abrasive, made-up glittery and homely with messy hair.
Im a woman on a good day and an acting man on a smart one.
Im thankful all the time, but i forget it when im angry.
Im not sorry for not being everything to everyone all the time.
Im not sorry for evading equilibrium.
Im not sorry at all.

As much of a strange sweet that this move(back) seems that it will be, I AM really enjoying my roommates and new neighbors, the prospect of community, and the possibility of friends coming my way. I have had a year to use and guest, and now it is my turn to give and host.

In my quest to get cozy ive acquainted myself with and compiled a list of all of my favorite culinary discoveries in the immediate area, i know i dont technically run a food blog but indulge me...

King of Pops


26 year old beautiful blue eyed something or other (i cant remember his name) quit his desk job to start a popsicle business, King of pops, but not just any popsicle business. This guys sells amazing, handmade, in season, gourmet, occasionally alcoholic popsicles. Flavors include chocolate sea salt, lemon basil, georgia peach, nectarine mojito, arnold palmer,pear honey, banana puddin', watermelon peppercorn and so on... best catch em while ya can, he moves around midtown all day tweeting his whereabouts. 2 50 a pop. My roommate crushes him, i get the feeling I'll be eating a lot of popsicles this year.

Rosebud


This place is fantastic, not a minute walking distance from my house, sells entirely local food tailored to the culinary southerner, and coincidentally my new place of work. Beautifully plated, flawlessly furnished, devastatingly charming. As an added bonus there's a farmers market every Saturday morning on the patio, and live music every Wednesday. Rosebudatlanta.com

Atlanta Cupcake Factory


Guess who makes gluten free batches at request two days in advance? This guyyyyy! Im pretty stoked about this one. Enough said.

Of course really if you ask me, the best restaurant in town in just downstairs. Im in a serious cookathon with myself lately with all this time and a kitchen.





Still not sorry,

-j

Evidence

I went to see a movie recently that really wasn't very good but there was a monologue performed by Julianne Moore that was really truthful about relationships i think. So i scoured the internet to share it with you, here is some evidence that film can be very truthful:

JULES: "Its no secret, your mom and I are in hell right now and the bottom line is marriage is hard. It's really fuckin' hard. It's just two people slogging through the shit, year after year, getting older, changing -- its a fucking marathon, okay? So sometimes, you know, you're together so long you stop seeing the other person, you just see weird projections of your own junk. Instead of talking to each other, you go off the rails, and act grubby, and make stupid choices, which is what I did. And I feel sick about it because I love you guys, and your mom, and that's the truth. And sometimes you hurt the ones you love the most, and I don't know why. You know, if I read more Russian novels... Anyway... I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what I did. I hope you'll forgive me eventually. Thank you."

I cant seem to get the lyrics of Janelle Monae's song "cold war" out of my head, its so painful and yet so comforting at the same time. Its one of those songs that is fantastic because it makes you feel so much all at once. I identify with it so many levels and am also excited by the music. It a bunch of happiness and sadness wound up into a great tune. Also the video is particularly awesome if you get a chance to watch it. Evidence that artists are still kickin'lyrical ass:

So you think I'm alone?
But being alone's the only way to be
When you step outside
You spend life fighting for your sanity

This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?

If you wanna be free?
Below the ground's the only place to be
Cause in this life
You spend time running from depravity

I'm trying to find my peace
I was made to believe there's something wrong with me
And it hurts my heart
Lord have mercy, ain't it plain to see?

I recently learned to use imovie, well, i recently tinkered around with imovie...this is my first humble attempt to make something that resembles art with it, so go easy on me. Its a compilation of places, people, and things that i have encountered in my life in the past few years that have given me a lot of joy, and made up my life. Most of these videos are taken with my blackberry and are mostly sentimental, or are clips from my video logs from china. My only regret is that i did not video more of it as it were happening. Its a bit of a manifestation of something i have learned in my early adulthood: that nothing really means much unless someone is there to share it with, and that home is the people you love. Evidence that i have lived:

art ethics.

Here’s something I haven’t talked about in a while if only due to distraction. After my yearlong hiatus from all things seriously photographic I’m getting the itch again. I remembering how much I love painting because it is so physical and ancient, and im experiencing a bit of trepidation about this new venture in the world o’ art that begins come October. I know I want to try but I’m not exactly sure how its all really panning out with me. The more I think on it, the more important it seems that I should continue to evaluate the way I feel about digital art and art in general as a means to an end. I just don’t want to find myself two years from now up in a dark room posterising a pill bottle in photoshop and using font to convey things like "betchya cant eat just one"

What I would really love to do is book covers, or magazines. I think this has come up because it has occurred to me that I’m getting in to the business of coercing people, which prompts me to think… is all beauty coercion?

Is all allure inherently trickery? Can we not avoid persuasion at the taste and smell of something exquisite? We think and feel and eat with our eyes primarily, and so, i have to try to navigate the ethics of this new thing that will possibly become my life.

You have to get past a lot of tape before you really start to become prolific and my website is a bunch of old shit by now. Well not shit, but old, at least in terms of what im capable of i think. So i suppose im a little concerned that i will, as i and so many others inevitably do, begin to hate craft out of frustration and burn out. It is here that I assume I will glance back at Colorado and say “if only i had chosen you.” But I guess the grass I always greener.

So if I’m to remain on the up and away from the trickery of modern advertising, I need to ask myself a few questions. What am I doing this for? How does this make the world a better place? Does this help only rich people and coerce only consumers? Or is it some kind of beacon for people who love things to be beautiful. Is it its own art form, or just a perversion of a few? I am now trying to count all of the times in my life that an ad has helped me in some way... cricket cricket.

Well I do have to say that have always appreciated a beautiful cover to a good book, or a fantastic layout in a magazine, or a good deepened cover photo, or a flawless piece of packing, namely bottles, specifically liquor and wine bottles....GASP...they’re so pretty. Okay, so there is some redemption to this I think, it’s just kind of under the radar.

right?

I mean there is something to living in and around and using art. Even just being in Morgan’s parent's respective houses the other day (I wish I had photographed more but I only got the one photo) was like this fantastic...thing? An art museum really...I mean, they ARE just things, but it makes you feel a certain way to live in and through and around art. Its like the reason that people play fantastic music in the backdrop, and the reason...if they’re fuckin’ lucky, have a Rauchembourg or two hanging on the back wall. It just and experience to live with art, its the same way its an experience to live with a person, or with an instrument. Its does something to your cognition and makes life generally more enjoyable if not just different. The more you live with a painting, the more it means to you, you start to attach memories and feelings to it and it evolves overtime as you look at it. Until one day, its just...part of your life. The space you live in is not the evidence of your life, but rather the skeleton that your life fleshes out. It sort of makes me feel like a hermit crab. A stylish hermit crab.

Its hard not having anything that is ever really certain sometimes, there are things that are certain for the era, and when the times are changin’ way too fast and you feel disoriented it can be exhilarating and it can be discombobulating. Its also exhausting constantly debating yourself, I suppose what I would like to give myself the permission of doing is to say that there is nothing wrong with taking a step back from self evaluation and self searching and change and constant upheaval and just stand there for a minute in your own happiness. It sometimes healthy to challenge and to let go of your stagnancy, and it sometimes healthy to stand still in your happiness. Be still and know that i’m content in this current phase, and i don’t wish to be disturbed for the moment. There is some sort of power in saying, “This is true right now.” Its true that I love you right now, and its true that the peach I ate this morning was sweet, and its true that all of the things I currently believe and feel are good and okay for now. And there is not shame in telling the guy next to you who is debating your every feeling and inclination to just shove it. You don’t always have to be something for everyone, and you don’t always have to question everything. Some things are better left untouched, while others thrive when moved. For now, I’m feeling good where I am, and im just gonna take a breath. I sometimes and lately have been afraid of the person im becoming. Perhaps it is here that change is a bit rapid and often for the moment. There’s nothing wrong with taking 5. Everyone needs a break.

Art and design are very ephemeral. It’s very hard to explain why and what art does, I don’t think anybody really knows why they do it, except that they just have to. It somehow salvages life for me in a way that I cant very accurately explain. And for this reason, I believe that art is a type of faith. Something that appears to you that you trust to do what it always has. And although it lets you down, quite often more than not, it keeps living and it keeps coming back. It is also very hard to say what art even is! I think, we identify with art in this way: because we alike art are not sure of what we are but endure in the absence of certainty. Though painful, we keep changing. A whole mess of success and failure that really has no rhyme or reason that can be attached to it, and yet it is this great romance that leads us on in a very Sisyphean way. The great sorrow and the great joy of life, is finding out why the fuck we do anything that we do at all. What is the what? What is the question? What's it to you, and what’s it to me? Maybe this is why we keep calling it up for coffee. It has no basis, no concrete definition, no practical implications as far as survivalists can prove, constantly evolving, does not have a specific or even sometimes reasonable way of being reached, and doesn't even always show up when it says it will. Furthermore, offers no guarantee of giving you anything in return necessarily. Art is a big fuckin’ flake.

I suppose the nirvana of this task is finding the "sweet spot" where you can create with the acceptance that what you toil over may be meaningless, with the iron clad hope that it is not. Maybe its worth it or not, but its definitely rewarding. Inherently accessible to all who posses a pulse, art is the peoples science, it is for everyone and by everyone alive, but sanctioned as the quiet obsession of an elite few.

a site that is so much fun its almost as much of a time suck as facebook:

http://www.sweet-station.com/blog/

the unframed awesome watercolor/crayon drawing in mo's room at her dad's house:

Yea, you.

The great joy and sadness of life is that everything changes. For the better, for worse, but all sand: fluid, amorphous. I can't figure out why this is scary. I suppose because it suggests that you will lose everything and everyone you love, and rather lightly proposes the idea of adventure and renewal.
The most important thing to me as far as i have observed it is relationship. As much as the person terrifies me, the person sustains me. My friends are my family, as much as i keep running away from them. Im sometimes not sure you all realize how important you are to me, how deeply i feel for all of you. In fact, i maybe seem flippant and hyper independent, but i can only sustain because i have depended on you first. I can only hope that the love i feel for each of you is even slightly mutual.
My life does not fit in a template, and it does not scroll as if linear. Its just there. evolving, changing, being.
When i look at the type of love that exists in Mo's family, the type of honestly and comfort that inst overbearing and isnt perfect, i feel very hopeful. You have always and do believe in me. You have accepted and pushed me. And that has meant more to me than i can ever express.

When i look at you, and you, and you, and all of you I feel nothing but gratitude in the strongest of terms.
I feel that i know who i am in a very comforting way when I'm around you.

I get myself knocked around now and again, it doesnt mean its my fault, it doesn't mean I'm stupid or a failure, and it definitely doesn't mean im going to hell or have lost my way or something. This is my way. Im happy here, with you. If i have nothing else in my life, if i don't live past today, if I never make a dime, my life will have been great because you have all meant something very strong and very fulfilling to me.

" this is who you are now jessy, and one experience cannot undo who you are, how is that even possible?"

"you are okay and its not your fault"

"I will help you"

"You are talented"

"i forgive you"

"i accept you"

"i love you"

"you are my edie"

"i miss you"

"you're ace"

"be careful"

"there are no mistakes, only research"

I prefer to remember all of the good things you guys give me. And its out of control. Its fantastic to feel so much empathy for all of you. Take this little piece of my heart, and anything that i have, consider this my offering you guys. If you need me, day or night, rain or shine, good terms and bad, im a call away, im a bike ride away, im a skype away, im on the next plane. You are my heart. If youre questioning weather or not im talking to you, I am. Yea, you.

Im a little shaken up lately.

Life is good in general.

-j

New Season's Resolutions

I know its a bit late for a new years resolution but Ive never really measured my year beginning January first, and if you ask me you should revolve your year the most important thing to you. To me that is summer, and with today being the worst day of the year, August first, the beginning of the end, the last first of summer, and with my life taking so many changes as of late, Im making the executive decision to list some new season's resolutions. With that said:

This season I plan to...

Give more. Its easy to get caught up in caring only about yourself, this season i plan to give much more of my time, money, and energy to other people (while still taking care of myself)

Sing more and make it permanent. I want my life to be more concretely musical, i saw a posting for a free piano on craigslist today, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship i hope.

Work harder, procrastinate less. Lets face it, I spend way too much time stumbling, phoning, and facebooking. Im gonna kickstart.

Invest more, spend less. Buy only what i need, very little frivolous spending this season.

Im going to try this thing that ive recently heard of that makes a lot of sense that i probably already do mostly but havent been conscious of it. I dont want to eat any foods that have more than 5-8 ingredients listed on the label. Also im gonna cut back on chemicals, that means, natural shampoos and lotions and no make up a couple days a week. If i wont put it in my body then i wont put it on it.

Ignore my current cynicism, more.

check the mirror less.

Make a more conscious effort to fix my posture.

Less cardio, more strength training. (this is the hardest one)

Karaoke, more.

sincerely,

-me

s'morning.

S' morning here and Im glad im awake. Im wide awake, its morning. Im eating an omlette and sippin on sippin' chocolate. Its a gorgeous day, and i dont have much to say. I wish i were outside, I wish i were hiking or biking or kayaking or swimming or jumping or running. I suppose i could remedy these things, but i think ill just go to texas instead. Emmie is coming soon! And my sister will be home from Estonia soon, and my Mom's birthday is coming up which i wont be here for, and so, today i will buy her some flowers from the shop around the corner. Its a normal day.

Im restless again, so its normal. Its a good day, its sunny again so its definitely good. So far, so good. Sometimes I'm very remorseful for my inability to hold still for second, its an affliction, a busy busy busy affliction. I love to move, I love to expend energy, and yet i sometime wonder if I will ever want to sit, because the second i do, i feel like i need to get out the door again.

Even now, sitting in this house, writing this post, Im somewhere up there, thinking, today should be the day that im out, gone, running. And so i just kind of sit here and toil about it inwardly until it buckles at my knees and I sit down melancholy for the rest of the day.

Perhaps its just community I'm seeking.

Perhaps its adventure.

Perhaps its a combination.

Buckle.

The best thing about the internet is that It gives you a voice. A voice when maybe even no one really cares to hear it. And noise when maybe even youre not sure what it means. fuzzy, fussy, grinding, gives you an output where you would normally call someone and leave the voice in a wire, unrecorded. And now we can chronicle things like this, days like these, and they're precious.

All you daughters go buy flowers, and fathers bring the bacon. Lovers give you lover a call and handymen turn a wrench. If youve gotta run today go run and if you dont have shoes sit still, and sing and clap and dance till ya ill. If youre a bug in web struggle struggle all you got and if ya got it easy today, sunshine and pot, and a whole lot of music and just a bit of food in your paw, and your teeth are gritty or clean or youre young or old or mean. Do you what ya do, do what ya do. Dance or work or scream or screw, do what ya do.

Ive missed photos, specifically black and whites, mostly photo booths. Ive missed photography as art in general. I think im revved up now.

In other news i think this choir has managed to make this song even more moving than its original version, so listen:

gorgeous.

cool, calm, collected.
How did it get to be 11 30?

water weight.

Today Im moving out the last of my things from the northside to morningside. I love that name, its a great name for a street, it sounds so cheerful. I cant wait to address things "dearest you, updates on my life, love me, at morningside, morningside, morningside" terrific.
And while it all seems terrific for the time being, Im still a bit unsettled, and maybe this is because im barely here at all, and so i cant be comfortable. My mind is in the mountains and my feet are in the ocean somewhere, and my heart is always elsewhere.
Perhaps one of the stranger things about life, and the most glorious, is one's scarce ability to appreciate things for the time that they are happening in.
When i am traveling, i wish for a home, and when im at "home" i wish to be gone. Maybe its just me, or just the age old Sisyphean problem of displacement, and to some degree insatiability.

Today i just layed in the sun, because whatever comes at me the sun always comes with me. Its like the riches of the earth, the resource i constant seek, most needed, more than touch, more than water.
It began to rain. all over. I slung my magazine underneath the umbrella and before running for cover took a deep breath and looked up. "oh wait." i thought "im waterproof" So i just sat there, and sat there, and sat and sat, and eventually the sun came back from behind its cloud cover. A miserable little game of hide and seek. And it was pouring, but blindingly sunny at the same time. And i somehow came out of the breath i had been holding, a bit new, and bit fainter. And I thought, maybe i dont have to choose.

And i dont want to choose. Day to day is too delicious to not try everything you can.

And while my current situation, and trepidations that i may have somehow, gasp, made a mistake in moving back here undermine my ability to get up and run these days. Im starting to realize that all we get is this life, and to not use it to the best of our ability in every way is such a waste, its such a fucking waste. For me that involves a few things i could try to list off the top of my head.

I have to exist here, in this time, in this place, with these factors. I can choose to manipulate them but i must work within them, there is no way around it.

I'm thinking...Why am I obsessing about all of the stupid things im obsessing about? I've slowly dropped most of the baggage, piece by peice through my early adulthood. A hangup here, a Louis there. There goes my wallet just now, out the window tumbling itself down the track out of view now, at the mercy of this trains velocity and its own violent trajectory.

I just figure, if no one is getting hired here, and I want to travel anyways, and i can go to school for practically free overseas, then what the white bread am i doing here?

And if i want to sail the world and i can go, now, free of charge, free of worry, free of ailment, then why am i not there by now!?!? Picasso was picasso by 23, and Newton had discovered and invented things and Beethoven composed and Frida had affairs and Judas doubted! and i have done a third of these things in three lifetimes of some people! Its like, i can plan to go ya know, but i mean, a lot can happen in two to three years. What if i lose a leg, what if i die? I may not even make it to that year I plan to go. Im itching to act right now, with purpose, without fear of loss. Sin temor de perdida. And something keeps pulling me on through the bread line. And here I am.

left, right, left, right.

I suppose i just didn't expect to be back here.

I'm waterproof,

-j

cibo non bombe!

I cant eat a lot things. I mean a lot. Basically processed foods and anything remotely resembling bread and almost no sauces. I have recently developed a sensitivity to dairy. It plagued my early adult hood. Really, the only time its easy for me to eat something is when i make it at home. And then among those things, many times, I get sick anyways because my body is what it is.

So really, I get a handful of reactions that are usual when explaining it to people.

"oh my god that is so terrible/sad/hard" is one of and the most common of them.

Im not sad. Im thankful. In a really strange way im really grateful for all the limitations. One, because it makes me very conscious of what I eat, and very appreciative of good food. And it taught me to cook.

At the risk of sounding pompous, I learned to cook in Italy( I know) a week after learning of my food allergies, from a pregnant Italian woman. Perhaps this has shaped the way i feel about food. I think one of the reasons (among the many) that i love italy more than any place ive ever been or lived is because of the reverence that Italian people have for food and expression and an almost god-like treatment of what the greater part of western society considers "decadent". ha!

Sex? Good?! Chocolate?! allowed!??CARBS!? for christ's sake, its no wander so many Americans fit so snugly and permanently into the framework of Italian culture, its a veritable AMERICAN PLAYGROUND!

But enough of that. Its more than that. Its not just decadence, Its not just pleasure. Its serious stuff. I mean it. (cracks smile)

I talk about it a lot but really i just cant get over how much food means to me. There are so many ways that it sustains me. I love the idea of food as expression, its beyond survival, its survival plus! I feel this way about so many things that i like to lump together into that category of what i can only call under an umbrella "expression". Art and language and food and dance and theater and sex and music and everything wonderful and luscious in life. I think these things not only enhance life, but give us reason for survival. They are sacred to me. They are my joy and my comfort and my constant.

To create is sacred. And everything that includes. The whole enchilada ( pardon my pun)

Anyways i was packing up my things tonight from my parents house preparing to move out soon and I suddenly got hungry. It was past midnight and while everyone tells you not to eat after midnight, im a bit of an exception seeing as I hadnt eaten anything all day for a couple of reasons. One, because my body is strange and is hungry very seldom, and two, because i dont really eat frivolously very often. I really only eat when i can make it good, by good i mean either healthy or fantastic. I dont like food, i LOVE it, and there is a difference. I love it so much that i almost respect it. Well, not almost, i do respect it.

I suddenly realized we had some gluten free angel hair pasta made from flax and rice along with some fresh pesto and a couple tomatoes. I also suddenly realized how long it has been since i have really made anything that I'm proud of, or since ive been able to cook anything for that matter! ( one of the only draw backs of travel is scarce access to kitchens) So of course, I creeped downstairs witha single light turned on, boiled a pot and began to make some angel hair pesto, with a bit of feta, fresh tomatoes, and some spicy seasoning. In my favorite bowl. With an ice cold water in the mason jar. It looked so beautiful, good enough to eat! And it was, and I did.

My love for food is so faceted its crazy. Its visually appealing, its a work in itself. It enhances something we have to do for survival. Its like, we have to eat anyways why not make it AMAZING! And some people realllly have a gift for it, and a style. Its also very interesting to survey tastes of different parts of the world and wonder why people taste what they do. No tongue is alike, and no body similar. It's a social function as well. Everyone does everything around food it seems. It makes your body work and grow and function, and i cant help but revel in that. Many people beg for it. some starve. Some take more than they need. Some exploit it, and some nurture and create their entire lives around it, humbly and thanklessly. Food is always certain, and food will always come in some way or another. So i dont feel the need to chase after it all the time really. To cook takes my mind away from all that i worry about and focuses it for the next thirty minutes to an hour on the specific task in front of me. "make lovely!" its says "make good!". I love to feed other people as well, it sort of equates with love for me, as much as it can. I feel very strongly about the way feta melds with red onion.

While grating a bit of Parmesan out of habit over my perfect bowl of capelletti, and thinking "i wish i had some pine nuts" my thought was nearly interrupted by my dads footsteps and then and then his sleepy inquiry... "jess? what are you doing?"

And to this i could only reply "praying."

wobbly, whatever.

I dont think, im ever going to have a lot of money. I would love to, but i dont think im gonna.

There are times when i sit around and my mind isnt occupied and i think of everything ive been able to do and everyone ive been able to meet and all the life ive had to live and i feel incredibly and infinitely lucky.

And i suppose everyone has moments, no, wait, i know, i know that everyone has moments where they let the phrase "what is wrong with me!?" circle around somewhere in the space that isnt occupied.

I love to adjust and i love newness. Im just very worried that ive stopped, ive chosen to stop by coming here. I just honestly dont know what is going to happen to me. While that is so often exhilorating for me, its a bit tiring right now.

How do i exist outside of where i come from? Who am i absent from my friends? And What do I want out of life?

I want too much. All the time.

I feel cursed but not sorry for it. I feel like i will never be satiated. Thats a good thing right?

Cosmic ADD...or something. Ive been able to stick with so few things in my life long enough to seep into them and let them seep back. I am so often saturated by people and things that i love, but there is that bit of hesitance always. Not to say that i am regretful of it or unhappy because of it, Im just aware now. Maybe everyone is like this now a days?

Maybe you shouldn't wash your dirty laundry in public, you probably shouldnt work out your deepest qualms over public forums, But ive never really done anything the right angle way so here I am. Besides, our struggles make us who we are just as much as our triumphs. So here is this part of me. I think maybe if i can just be more vulnerable in that way, then I can be more frank with myself about what i need. And then i can move on more directly.

On the cleaner side.... I feel ready to work hard. I feel hopeful about this thing in atlanta. Im excited about running again and Im loving everyone around me right now. Also I got a new place and new roomie that is basically the best thing ever! fantastic location and rent! looking forward to some memories.

I mean am I alone in bitching about aimlessness?

Is anybody elses nerve a bit wobbly right now?

Im pretty certain of it.

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. Maybe I will grow old and afflicted early, but you're only as young as the last time you changed your mind. The only thing i dont want to be, is the same.

-j

Hot potato! Hot potato!

If only i could articulate.

I probably over articulate, motor mouth, yes, you guys probably get very tired of my ramblings in the best way possilbe. But hey, if ya dont like it, leave.

All i want to do is be outside.
Speak native.
and run, run, run, run, run every damn day.

I want to live somewhere with a bit of sunlight, and a slight of rain, warm rain.

Somewhere it is raining. Somewhere it is shining. Someone somebody somewhere is actualized.

I want that so bad, it doesnt take much for me, but i just wanna be outside, or in a studio of any kind.

Makin things, changin things, doin things. I gotta be relevant, i gotta keep movin or Im just gonna die.

tinted Red head and curly beyond what she deserves and just nearly a quarter of her life, though she doesnt look it. Callen picked up her nose from the position it had taken in attention to her feet, suggesting she was anything but extraordinary. But life is anything but "extra" and "ordinary". It is simply there, it just is. And you are. And I am. And somehow I gotta burst through this. Sometimes i feel this smolder inside myself that wont subside. Im not sure how to tame it but i dont want to. Its fanned and its nurtured by everyone around me. And sometimes somewhere someone ignites it! And i have to just scream! or sing! or dance! or fuck! or SOMETHING! I feel so much passion burning up my insides, my bones are almost ash! My organs have turned to magma and long since hardened into rock that is nothing but ablaze! A Chemical change in all! And I cant help but stomp down the street and burn everything to the cold damn ground! Sometimes i feel so tired, but im nothing but energy right now! I could just evaporate, and i might, so dont blink.

Maybe im right to be sorry for it, but I will not deney it. I am nothing but gratitude and energy right now, I dont really give what happens to me, as long as i can be outside, as long as i can make stuff.

expression is the stuff of gods, and i live in the churrcchhh.

-j

spill

I know that youre not supposed to do things like this, in bodies like mine, in places like here. Youre not ever supposed to say what youre actually thinking in these things, its an edit, a filter, an amendment to the reality of yourself. But suddenly feel as if im coming to my own reality so Im just going to spill and cross my fingers that it isnt dramatic, or something along those lines.

Its strange being home, i mean it. After everything that has happened and ever will happen, here I am again.

She's a real nowhere man...

I hate the feeling of being confronted with my age, and my parents age. Its all just a bit melancholy and surreal. I feel sad for growing old, I feel sad for enjoying it. Im not sure what that says about me.

In most ways, i consider myself a very lucky person. In others I am weak, but I suppose we cant be strong all the time. We are meant to lose thing things we love in life, and I have just made peace with that i guess. But you cant erase entirely the feeling of resistance.

I know it in the way that I look at my father at a baggage claim and it makes my stomach sit unwell to see him unwell. I know it in the moments taht i want to speak with someone, hold someone, inexplicably and without reason, suddenly and desperately. I know it in the dread that causes me think that maybe it was a mistake coming here. The thing is,i sort of just bloom where I'm planted but by chosing anything you create conflict somewhere else, And for this reason I made up my mind a long time ago that I could should and would not act for others. It has recently come to my attention that maybe this has forced me slowly into this commitment - evading cycle that has left me lonely in some moments. But maybe that is the price.

Now here I am, and the fear of what could and might be is giving me the urge to run again. But I wont for a while. I promise. It isnt the weather, it isnt the rain. Its the feeling that if i stay here it will all just stop. Everything will stop. I will stop.

I cant stop. I need motion to breathe. And thats just the way it is. It costs me loneliness sometimes, but i think i would have that either way. Now i want to seep into something or someone. Then again i love the weakness, it makes me create and it allows me to feel much deeper.

Something is changing in me i think, i mean, something is always changing but really, now. The times the are a changin. I feel different, not better or worse, just different, most notably...

I have an insane amount of thanks for everything and everyone and everywhere that I have it. I think I feel more gratitude for every second of life than youre average gal, and i think it doesnt show. But im so bursting with gratitude i could just scream! AHHHHHH! there.
Ive got problems too, but i couldnt be happier to have them in this space i call life, so I'm not afraid of them anymore. Ah, thats what it is, im not afraid of trouble trouble trouble much anymore, i just feel so powerful, I have a serious grip on life right now despite my setbacks. Its hard to explain, but that is what's different i think. I have given myself the permission to do whatever i want. ha!

Out of habit, I settled into the space taht was once my home but now just felt like mine and nothing else. All i could think to do was organize. So i did, and i listed and logged and found Paul Simon. Wedged there, lonely but snug leaned up against cat power. I didnt feel quite like cat, she had too much of a blue tint and very little resolve. Paul was exactly the warmth i needed and wanted. That and a lot of mo town. There is a reason that music is its own art form. There is a reason that instruments themselves have a presence in a room, like a person, to put it wisely "like it's another voice in the room" There is a reason why it is incredibly hard for me to describe the way it made me feel to put that needle to vinyl, even now, its too hard. It wont materialize, because there is no way. Because music begins somewhere deep in your person and ends there too. I mean really, deep down , in there, it moves through all the folds within you that see so very little attention and coddling or sunlight. Like a q tips grinding, gritty, satisfying sweep through the outer ear. Yes Yes Yes. Musica. Musique. Ying yue. You are the most sacred and certainly the most holy of things. My body's twine and bundles are simply quenched by your constant presence. Getchya loose ladies moving on a friday night and do what you need to do in the stereos of rush hour commuters...but please please please... make it back to my place by seven wont ya? dont foreget me, lets stay out tonight, lets not sleep, late night eggs, can i come up?

Im sorry for all the messages i left on your machine, Its only 'cuz i want you.

bad.

baby, baby, baby.

- J

what now new york.

What do you say when you're given everything and more and nothing?

What can I do now that i have done and have been and have seen and want more?

Where does one begin again?

How can i see natural now that I am new?

Summer never lets me down, i never lets me down. I feel so powerful, and yet more aware of my fragility all of the time.

There is very little air conditioning in the summer in New York, there is very little you and there is maybe too much of me. There's a whole bunch of crazy in a mess of surreality that i just cant seem to live outside of these days. Im really not fighting it, Its not that ive never been happier, although I am, very, and thankful. Perhaps it is just that now im searching for something to seep into, maybe that is colorado, and maybe its not.

Walking through the west village with adria I heard myself say it "yeah, thats the plan" but really what the fuck is the plan, and what the hell does the "plan" have to do with anything really. And so a year ago i planned to be i dont know, in dallas? working steady? sucking heat and saving dough? And im here, and im there, and im for sure not the plan at all.

Im just me, and Im now, and Im living, and hoping to find a bit of you, and a bit of love, and exhiloration, sadness, art, anything.

come at me life as fast or as slow as you want, just dont miss.

looking for america,

j

love from vienna

sometimes,

you realize how much you love somebody,

and you will do some crazy shit to get to them,

as fast as humanly possible,

just to see them at the baggage claim.

i mean crazy.

j

nobody ever really gets tired of texas

So i may or may not be allergic to diary now.

really?

okay fine, i just need to feel normal again.

in other news i did a photo shoot that could have gone way worse and didnt.

point... team jessy!

Also i can see how maybe this post my fall victim to criticism rooted in pointlessness, and so to remedy this, i give you pictures...later.

Im going to try to savor my last momets of freedom in austin with natey this weekend.

Also im going to start that master cleanse diet to try to like reset my digestive system or something, i dont know, im at my wits end with my body right now.

New roomate, new plan, yay! Lets cross our fingers that it all works out, and that i dont get lost in vienna and london or lose my mind before after or during any of it. vraiment?

Oui! Can you believe how incredibly inarticulate i become when stressed?

now for some german, I hear austria is pretty right now,

Auf Wiedersehen,

j

as of late:
lookin good de.
lookin all innocent.
looks like a i could get used to this.
looks like an a miracle
looks like home.

home. home. home.

ka-ching.

money. lets talk about it, or lets not, its so stupid.

so ya know, basically just revolving my life around money and looking forward to the day that this is not a necessity. Gettin paid for a few jobs this month and next so at least some things are lookin up but all in all, the dollar rules my life.

Im dreading going to europe but its rapidly approaching (at least im getting paid)
i have a great new collection of shoes ( yee haw!)
and and handful of people i miss on the regular.

I found a great new taco place in dallas that im actually considering using my open ticket to go to when that day comes that im sitting in atlanta and need some rusty taco ( because i know it will)

phones
doctors
school

guilt guilt guilt

sun sun sun

got a new roomate! gotta make it through june...gotta get to july, gotta go gotta rest.

Feeling a little knocked out of my shoes but somehow still knowing who i am now more than ever.

Getting fucking excited about having a room, having a goal, having "regular" things again

Having no qualms,

J

From Waco with love

How often it seems we wait around in the airspace of our lives waiting for something to materialize, waiting to need something, waiting to want something or someone. We, no, I, I just keep coming back here right?

I am Sisyphus after all.

I think its interesting that I have the capacity to revert suddenly to old bad habits at the drop of a hat.

Something about Waco that I just kind of melt in to. The air is one of two things, though Im not sure which-

assaulting, melting you in to the city like rock to magma, like bending steel with heat, bone to sweat, teeth to vapor.
Or it is acomodating, a big warm comfy couch, a pair of old boots, melancholy and charm, attractive in its humility. If anything, it really sets the stage for me to create, maybe because I already know it in that capacity, or maybe it knows me. It explains a lot, its why people like donald judd move to marfa and make installations, case and point- o'keefe and SantaFe, Dylan and New york, Cole and Waco? Is that what this place is to me? a muse?

If it is, I dont think it will be for long, I cant wait to settle somewhere again. I need to sit down, fuck i need to lay down. I need need need, want want want.

Im insatiable, Im a monster.

but so are you so whatever.

So I think, you know what? So much for trying to find life, I really think, this IS it. This is my life, and anything ive ever wanted and hoped for and havent gotten and have has been a part in that. All my journals seem to start on a bad note, a cringe, but end with something much better.

Id love to tell you Im healthy. Id like to tell you Im wealthy. Id love to say Its all happening for me everyday. But im not really any of those things in full.

I am however normal, and happy, and I am just as i always have been, Im going, and stopping when appropriate. Red light! Green light!
I think you MUST find joy in things like couches, walks, health, laughing, dancing, art, weather, sex, coffee. If you dont the world will just eat you, churn its stomach around and devour you.

I wanna cry but i cant. i wanna cry for everything that doesnt have an ending and should. The mundane and the banality, the stunning and the stalling, the loss and the gratitude, the embarassment and the elation, the fear and the brevity.

I want to cry just to punctuate things.

But i really physically cant, as stirred as I am all the time i cant. All i can do is dance to weep, create to mourn, and write to grieve. Feel feel feel you Eel.

Celebrate, grieve. And there you have it, thats all it is.

Share. you cant take it with you.

Youre born alone and you die alone and really everything you do in life you do absolutely alone, as much as you like to think you own or have anything or anyone, its not true. You get a birth and a death and thats it. And they are all yours, to have and to hold forever and ever. Everything else is just borrowed. And I, especially, am eternally and inexpressibly,grateful for the chance to have had anything at all. All of you and all of it. Every little damn bit of it.
i dont know who or what to thank for it, and so in place of hymns or conventional devotion I find some form of worship and reverance in arts. i could burst into song right here Im so fucking full, to the very 'effin brim.

Im such a little speck. A cute speck, but a speck nonetheless. A tiny little blip in the world. All I can hope for is some amount of joy, and some amount of grief from time to time. And lots, lots, lots of art.

now ya see me, now ya dont!

j

The Bare Necessities

What is it that makes me go?

Everytime i try to figure it out it just come up with the same things...

expression, as a blanket term ( art and language, which i think are synonymous)
relationships ( in their proper place, and also synonymous with expression)
health ( and cooking, which i also associate with expression)

so it seems to me pretty clear what my life is about, and yet all i can make it about this past week is money.

You cant take it with you Jie, get it together.

So I outsmarted the Adams's new-fangled coffee machine today, brewed myself a mocha, sat outside in my favorite shorts, and let wind run over me a few times and forgot about student loans for 10 minutes. It really doesn't get any fucking better than this.

If you look under the rocks and plants and take a glance at the fancy ants and maybe try a few...the bare necessities of life will come to you. Wherever i wander, wherever i roam, i couldn't be fonder of my great home, the bees are buzzin' in the trees and making honey just for me.

Forget about your worries and your strife.

Im not sure about most everything, but i know i'm somebody who has to create things to feel normal, and I know that I cant live in the convention in front of me, whatever i do, wherever i do it, its gotta be me, and it will be wildly unusual, not because i need or want it to be, but because i cant avoid it.

not fighting it,

j

Ouch, my life.

Busy is an understatement. Actually, just a little stressed. I love being near friends lately, it sort of simulates a home where I dont really have one lately. Im sort of trying to string out this vacation in europe until the end of july, but finances are sort of making it hard, im starting to think that maybe just saving all the extra cash and putting towards something practical, like my school bills this fall is a much better idea.

but whatever, you cant take it with you.

The alternative would be to have plenty of time to get all of my dough and living arrangements in order for the circus this fall. I found a roomate and a place to live, check!

Now for all the details.

Now for all the stress.

Now for all the fun.

Its good to be back, but im itching to be part of a team, part of a community, to make something again.

Also have you ever noticed how once you really depend on all the gadgets in your life they suddenly break without warning or reason? Typ.

footloose is ace, but Id like to sit down for a few minutes. Besides, im pretty good at both.

Tell me everything, tell me anything, I love you guys,

J

Hao le

My flight today is at 4 o clock, I have to say, I wont be surprised by anything that happens today, it all seems very fleeting.

I am really, really, proud of myself for sticking it out. This is honestly one of the hardest things ive ever attempted in my life with very little reward. Somehow putting myself through this has taught me a lot. One, never ever ever no kids, duh. But it has brought to light how capable i am, and how driven i am. No one will ever understand what this has been for me. Its been really fucking hard, and an eye opening experience. Maybe I am better for it, maybe I am worse, but I am, if anything, slightly different. I could just die when i think i wont see fi ever again. Gotta make that happen. I gave her a reallllyyy long hug last night before leaving her place on hengshan lu. I want to cry, but I cant, Im too tough now, its gonna take a lot more than a goodbye to scare me these days. I love her, and she is mine, my friend, forever and ever and ever and ever.

She wrote me a somewhat dorky somewhat touching poem on some cute stationary and gave it to me at dinner a long with some pictures that jogged memories i always want to have. It reads:

The girl with the red lipstick

She knows what she wants and is not afraid to get it.
Shes a diva, a gal and a trooper.
Shes a girl who believes in true love and is a red wine drinking party pooper.
You've taught me that everyday is the best day to be had, and that wheat is not all that.
Chocolate is your lifeline, shopping and your old black hat.
You are the girl with all my shanghai secrets, don't leave for too long, dont go away..
cuz in 50 years when you've done all you want, my arms will be open for you to come stay.

Cheesy. True. My favorite.

The entire time i was hugging fi by the door, my hips were faced towards it. Ive heard it said and known it to be true that what your feet and hips are directed at while doing anything is where your mind really is. I cant help but be slightly phased by what it means that while im hugging my best gal goodbye for a long time, ive got one foot out the door. What does that mean. I dont need to know right now, I dont think.

pats on back. Liquids in the checked luggage. freedom, for a bit.

see ya soon suckahs.

-j

I wish i could take you there

I wish you were here. I wish i could put you on that terrace with me and we could sit there are all weekend, and shoot the breeze, and drink and drink and eat and be merry.

I wish it was like that right now.
I wish i had more control of it, but i suppose i appreciate that i dont, it makes those moments better i guess.

Wishes, what are those anyways? But I still wish it fish.

I keep thinking that one day I can do exactly what i want, get exactly what i live for .

But what i live for is totally something that cant be controlled, and thats maybe sad, and maybe strange, but its certainly special.

All i really live for, are those moments, those moments like the one with fi. Where youre on a terrace, or a parking lot, or dock making out, Or whatever, in you parents house in the basement. Just those places, those little pockets in life that suddenly reveal themselves to you, without warning, indiscriminately.
Theres no telling when then will come, but they always do. And i always ache for loss of the last one and the yearn for the next one.

Im just addicted to these 5 minute to hour long pockets of my life that i keep discovering, where there is very little distance between myself and someone, without warning, without reason, and I am so incredibly at peace with everything. I could die in that moment, and really, it would be fine.

I wish i could even try to convey but theres just no way,

theres no way,

-me

Mei you qian

My Chinese is better than ever.

My nerve is wobblier than ever.

My wallet is dwindling faster than ever.

But thats just today in'it? Its just everday, and I'm happy, right now, im happy.

But honestly, Ive never been so sad to leave a person, i cant stand the thought of not having Fi around, and i suspect that my feeling is returned, but not to the extent that im giving it out.

Bought a new journal today on Taikang lu, the best place in shanghai, period. I cant beleive I waited this long to prowl around that area, its just fantastic.
I went to dinner with fi after and got midnight breakfast, with cappuccino of course.

My first entry reads:

Tai kang lu with Fi
Salad
cappuccino
7 days
go.

A fresh new set of pages to make a mess of, because there is just no way to convey.

I love you Fi

- Wo3

Bu yao ku

i cant figure out why but i just feel sad. Wait. no. scratch that. not sad just really emotional suddenly. It started about three weeks ago and its just been getting stronger. Like i just feel as if ive been too happy for too long or something and all my tears are just welling up trying to break free.

I was on the subway the other day and a song came on that i was really into, nothing like "memories" or "on my own" or "wind beneath my wings" or anything like that. Just a song with a beat. But it was just like, the perfect line over a perfect beat and this synthesis was happening in my body and my ears and my brain and my insides and and i totally started sniffling on the subway. alone. with my ipod in. Oh my god it was really embarrassing, you have no idea.

But stuff like this has been happening all over my life lately! And i swear to god i almost cried at the hannah montana song at the end of the disney movie i was watching with natlie. I can put it in its compartment usually, i mean, im not really that type of person that lets their unsolicited emotions bleed into the other sections of their life unnecessarily. But tonight i really cant get it off my mind. Its just everything all at once.

The constant moving with very little stability, and yet the thought that i may lose that. Worry for everyone around me, family, friends. Ache for the loss of fi, and what could be. The feeling like im doing something wrong in leaving here. The intense need to create something since January or so. Honestly, the fear of debt. The fear of not wanted what i think i should. The fear of failing at whatever it is i end up doing. I dont know why i put this pressure on myself though, really, as per my standards, it will be very hard for me to fail in life because all i ask i health and happiness to the best of my ability. However, the pressure to use the time i have sometimes does get the better of me, and I wind up here.

In this nook, this crack, this small little dark space in cyberspace with a bit of illustration that can give me some idea of what my life looks like in text. It guides and aids and surprises me to read and write here sometimes.

So basically, here is the plan.
Try to have as ace of a week and half as i can here(trying to ignore my monetary situation)
Watch a sad movie tonight and try to just let the crying fly, in the hopes that i can reach some sort of cathartic state.

Ayi kao su wo bu yao ku, danshe, wo xu yao, he wo zai ku xianzi, Shi hern hao.

-wo3

I heart lists.

So Ive been trying to do all the things ive been wanted to do in china that havent yet this week. So far ive gotten to shopping on shanxxi, next shopping on tai kang, and today i went to lu jia zui for lunch and then walked the bund for some scenery. Now i just want to go up in Jin mao or the world financial center, and possibly dine one last sushi dinner. After a few pics I decided I was ready to head back and I started thinking about what life is gonna be like when i get back. And i made a list, duh...

things I will miss about Shanghai:
Fi
Ben
Soul dancing classes on julu
Dancing in general, reggae night at shelter
Not paying rent
Reverting to mandarin in sticky situations
Cheap everything
Tang Yuan
This countries preoccupation with massage and healing
Element fresh
Being closer to all things tropical
Swanky hotels
The buzz of the city
The metro ( i love this one, with the exception of rush hour)

Things i wont miss:
being responsible for a child and all that entails
People who gag an releive themselves all over the street
people who think its okay to push me and touch me in any way when speaking to me
the general disregard for vocal volume
sparkly clothes, floral clothes, clothes with bows, ugly heels
rice
msg
unidentified meat objects in assorted variety
dirty tap

Things im looking forward to:
Whole foods and cooking again
Seeing youz guyz
Texas heat and swimming
using colloquialisms comfortably
speaking sloppy english
not being considered or called fat
forming queues to get places

Things im not looking forward to:
my life without fi
being poor again
borrowing money
readjusting
dealing with everything i started six months ago and now have to sort out

get it together jie.

If i start digging now, I should see you guys by thursday of next week.

see ya on the flip side...

Kuai dao le.

Almost done. I have about 12 days left in Asia assuming nothing radical changes in the next week and half. Then im in Texas for a bit, then Vienna, then London, final destination Atlanta....assuming nothing radical changes between now and then. Ive kind of just been on this strange moment to moment thing in asia for the last month where everything seems to be happening at once, which is fantastic but overwhelming. I could do anything if i try hard enough, so really i just need to know what it is that i want to do. I know i dont really want to go back to Atlanta, but i feel like the time i plan to spend there over the next two years is an investment in a lot of ways. Financially, and relationally. You'd think that after being everywhere I'd be tired of it, ready to settle, aching for all things stationary. Im not, its just the opposite, I feel ignited, I feel like ive just begun, and i feel lucky to do anything im doing. Really, it could all end tomorrow, so Im glad im pushing myself, but I think I am aware more than anyone I know of how fleeting everything in life is. I can definitely live with that, but it effects how i live. There is so much to do in so little time, but really, there is no fucking point in going to the Colosseum or the great wall or even to lunch in the southeast u.s. five blocks down the road if there is no one to bitch laugh eat and drink with. Thats my story.

Fi and I went out dancing the other night, i dont think either of realized how sleep deprived we were because after sharing a bottle of weak red wine we were both drunky. I know this because there was a point in the night where Fi, Ben, and I were practicing lifts in a bar, and Im pretty sure we whacked people around us. I mean were dancers, but were not that starved for practice time, this wasnt the time or place. Whatever it was hella fun. I actually have a lot of bruises on my leg from what i can only assume was the lifts and impromptu splits on the hardwood. After this we went to Shelter for reggae night and dancing our ever lovin asses offfff, i mean offf, sweat everywhere. It was amazing. I got about fours hours of sleep that night. Around 4 am i went to lawsons and got nast sushi and a chocolate dove bar with hazlenuts and ate them in cab back to pudong. Oy. Such is life.

Natlie wrote a song the other night that i about peed my pants listening to. She first looked at me with all seriousness from across the room...

"what are you doing mei?"
"american idol"
"oh really? cool, what are you singing?"
"a very sad song"
"whats it called?"
"The cat has a black eye"

Around the fifth or so verse of "the cat has a black eye" a la Les Miserables soloists melodies, I realized how ridiculous she is, in every sense of the word. There is not much she does that surprises me, but somehow this song really. really. really. got me tickled. And i have to say the ending lyric really summed it up perfectly

"and i dont care about it at all"

"9.5 mei!"

I really dont know where Im gonna be or whats gonna happen to me. Its teasing my nerves, but All i can ask is that whatever it is....miserable or not, that Im in good company.

In good company,

Jie Xi

and now for your viewing pleasure, a little video i like to call...A tuna loses its head it tokyo, it was much cooler in person i swear.

I just wanna do everything, its really bad.

everything.

-wo

listing

wow its been a while, im not sure i really have the mental energy right now to say anything insightful or interesting so in lieu of it, i will just make a list to document what has happened this month.

phase one:

Went to Hangzhou with mei mei and portia and shushou. It was gorgeous, but mostly because we stayed at a resort, with comfy expensive things. Still, i rather enjoyed it.

phase two:

When i got back from Hangzhou MORGAN SUDER was in town!!! and it was awesome!!!! She introduced me to her friend from way back when, Thomas, who also lives here. He was awesome. One night portia natlie morgan and I went to dinner at M on the Bund, which was amazing, and i realized how much i love having great women as company. And they all are, really exceptional women, really.

phase three:

Morgan, Thomas and I went to Tokyo for a couple of days, we did great things in a short amount of time for not too much cash ( although tokyo is wicked expensive) including a day trip to mount fuji (which wasn't visible because of fog but still a gorgeous trip) We saw some sumo wrestling which was really lucky because it only happens three times a year and we were lucky enough to catch the tail end of it. But the highlight of the trip was the tuna auction at the fish market. We got up at 4 am to get there at around 5. There is not way to describe the auction without putting in more rhetorical effort, so instead, i will save that story for later, and post a video of it later, and just have you know that the sushi i ate at the fish market in tokyo has changed my outlook on life...one bite of that fresh ahi..and you can see through time. Oh yea we also ate at the restaurant in kill bill (where there is that huge fight scene) the first night we got there, dont worry, pictures to come. I ended up having a wicked reaction to something i ate but still lovin it.

phase four:

Its amazing how much a value my friends, it just ridiculous, morgan is a very special person to me, and now, Thomas too. Everyone has something to offer, you just have to look for it. Travel is fantastic, it always teaches me something about myself that i didnt know, the same can be said of Mo, who pushes you, even when you dont ask to be pushed. I only hope i can push back accordingly. Some people make you feel like you really can get things done. Without her, i would not be me. When i left Mo and Thomas for the airport i was gloomy about it but also excited because it was on to hong kong to meet portia and natlie! holy cow...that city...is just...wow, beautiful and expensive. The type of place im moving when im rich and famous. done.

phase five:

Back to shanghai. Left to do: Tai kang lu, shopping, save money whenever possible, love love love fiona for two weeks straight, Go to the expo, try not to freak out about my personal life.

places left to see( in no particular order and not exclusively):
Morocco, Egypt, Anywhere in south America, Amsterdam( cant beleive i havent done this one yet) India, bora bora, Australia, Indonesia, Korea, southern France, Israel, Thailand, the grand canyon. One day...

Dont worry, dont hurry, trust the process.

aye oh.

J.

I want it.

Its true that nothing we really do actually means anything in the grand scheme of things, its all relative and who am i to you and to him and to her and to anyone or anything really. Nothing really matters at all, in the context of what "matters" means anyhow.

I am not a pipe.

But we have to live in the microcosm that we call "ours" using the sounds we call "language" by the matter we call "food" We just have to. must. have to. So nothing really means anything, so what? Its true that everyone has some grasp of the feeling of "who the hell am i that i can really make a definitive statement about anything or anyone"

It is also true that at some point you have to make yourself a god, you have to record and rerecord and revise and sing blues and put a beat to it, and express for all that you have because this is the most powerful thing we can do, is to relate.

Cee lo green has to belt it somewhere in a studio in atlanta because he needs to. Becuase somebody somehwere must get paid. Because soembody somewhere told him to. Because he has to assume that he is a deity for those seconds, it must be done. Because someone in china needs to hear him scream that he's crazy over a cherry blossom, and because it has to keep moving. It just has to. so there.

ripple.ripple.ripple.
effect.

Everyone is just fucking around trying to find what "it" is anyways.

"I found it! Its Bhudda!"
"No i found it! its jeruselem!"
"NO NO NO its art!"
"its science!"
"its me!"
"its food!"
"its survival!"
"It isnt!"
"it is!"


I think "it" is just futile, because there is no map. There is no fucking map, just do what you like, find beauty in it.

I think people are largely dissatisfied with "it" because they think It is supposed to be something in particular, like they are supposed to have a manual that they somehow didnt receive. It is. It isn't. It's everything.

Here it is, enjoy it or dont enjoy it or throw it away or whine about it, but here it is, its all yours.

And you can do whatever the hell you want with it. Thank goodness!

Were so in it, happy trails.

j.
i see you mei mei... ga ma? xiao xiao pengyuo hern piao liang.